- Jager is scary for a few reasons.
When you drink it you're like. (groans and coughs)
(speaking in foreign language)
(energetic instrumental music)
Some of you already know because you've been to my shows
in the past, my poison of choice is tequila.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Certain alcohol I no longer mess with anymore.
Like, I no longer mess with Jager.
- [Crowd] Aw.
- See, first of all, any alcohol
that will make you say its name is not safe.
(audience laughing)
And that's the only alcohol that will make you do that.
That's the only one you hear people, "Jager!"
You don't hear anyone else.
You don't hear Mexicans, "Tequila guey!"
You don't hear black people, "Hennessy, playa."
(audience laughing)
You don't hear Japanese, "Woo, sake, sake!"
(audience laughing)
Jager is scary for a few reasons.
One, I'm Type II diabetic.
I shouldn't even be drinking.
But Jäger has twice as much sugar in it.
Second thing is the consistency.
It's very sticky, it's like cough syrup.
So if you drink too much of it,
it holds on longer than anything else, and it's nasty.
When you drink it, you're, like (groans and coughs)
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughing) It's horrible.
If you drink too much of it,
it holds on longer than anything else,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, if you have one too many beers, you know what happens.
You get the (mimics gurgling)
and then you return it to the rightful owner.
(audience laughing)
Jager makes you feel like you gotta bring it back,
but you can't, all it does it make you dramatic
for 45 minutes until it lets go.
You've seen someone like that.
"Hey, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, bro." (retches) (audience laughing)
They can't throw up.
All they're doing is six-minute abs. (grunting)
(audience applauding) (audience laughing)
People look at you the next day, "Are you into fitness?"
"No, I'm a drunk." (audience laughing)
Yeah, Jager is scary.
Another alcohol I refuse to mess with anymore is wine.
(audience laughing)
Look at the people over there. (clears throat)
(laughs) We're from Schaumburg.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
For those of you that don't know,
Schaumburg is kind of the Beverly Hills of the area
so I'm sure you figured that one out by now.
My issue with wine is very simple.
I don't like the fact that wine is socially accepted.
And what I mean by that is that if you see someone
with a bottle of wine, if you see a guy crossing the street
with a bottle of wine, immediately he's judged,
but in a positive way, because wine is always associated
with something high-class, something positive,
something progressive, an anniversary,
a celebration, a promotion.
So you try to figure it out.
Hey, what do you think is going on over there?
Graduation, promotion?
It's gotta be good.
Hey, good for you, buddy! (audience laughing)
Women see a man with a bottle of wine
holding a couple of glasses, and immediately,
"Aw." (audience laughing)
"Lucky bitch!" (audience laughing)
It's still alcohol.
It will still mess you up.
The main reason why I don't like wine
is because you cannot accurately measure wine.
You can measure real liquor.
It's called a shot.
And you know after drinking enough times
what you can handle and what you can't handle.
Because people who drink a lot
love to brag about their drinking abilities.
They have their drinking number, right?
They have their drinking number.
You'll hear 'em, you know,
"11 shots of Don Julio, whew, yeah!"
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
They have their drinking number, even women.
After four shots of Cuervo, I am so good.
(audience laughing)
Four shots is my sweet spot.
What happens if you do five?
I'll wake up in an alley. (audience laughing)
What happens if you do six?
That's how I met Tyrone. (audience laughing)
See, with wine you cannot accurately measure how much
you're drinking unless you're basing it on the bottle.
And if you're basing it on the bottle,
then that's a whole different issue.
With wine, the glasses are always different sizes.
Sometimes they're big glasses.
Sometimes they're small glasses.
And a lot of times you need to rely on someone
to pour it for you.
Sometimes they know what they're doing.
Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes they fill it up too high,
which is not the proper amount.
Sometimes they get it just right,
which is a little bit less than half of the glass.
Sometimes you get that greedy bastard from Olive Garden.
You know what I'm talking about
where you get that little sample.
Then you have to hold it up in direct sunlight and do this.
(audience laughing)
And then you drink it.
And you're like, "Mm, that's pretty good."
"I got a coupon for that, here you go."
(audience laughing)
And you never see wine drinkers
drinking with real drinkers in dive bars.
You might see 'em at a social gathering like this one
or some corporate function,
but never at a little hole in the wall.
You'll never see, "Jaeger!"
"Tequila, guey!""
And in the middle, "Merlot, I say."
(audience laughing)
"Oh, this is a fantastic establishment."
"I truly enjoy the decor here."
"This is amazing, this is brilliant, I tell you."
"Who cuts your grass?" (audience laughing)
"It's fantastic."
- I had to watch my girls for nine days by myself.
(laughs) You ever watch your kids by yourself
for an extended period of time and then two days in,
you start really clearly seeing both sides
of the abortion debate?
You're like, well, (audience laughing)
I think you should be able to kill 'em up to ninth grade.
(audience laughing)
Put 'em in the tub. (mimics air bubbling in water)
My wife sat the whole family down at the kitchen table.
She goes, "All right, I'm going to Vietnam for nine days,
"okay, with my best friend, Sandy."
The girls start unraveling immediately.
Georgia's like, "Who are we staying with?"
(audience laughing)
My wife's like, "Dad."
They're like, "Who's watching us?"
My wife's like, "Dad."
They're like, "Who's watching Dad?"
(audience laughing)
My wife's like, "Listen, I've made a very detailed list."
"If your father follows this list to a T,
"it'll be like I never left."
Georgia goes, "He won't last 24 hours, Mom."
(audience laughing)
Boy, I should have taken the under on that.
(audience laughing)
This list was so aggressive.
Wake up, 5:45 a.m.
I'm like, what crops are we harvesting?
Make the girls breakfast.
Georgia likes avocado toast.
Ila likes bone broth.
I'm like, oh, cool. (laughs)
I'm living with Gwyneth Paltrow and a cage fighter.
(audience laughing)
Breakfast should be over by 6:00 a.m.
Send the girls to their room to get dressed.
Check on Ila, 6:05.
She'll be asleep in her closet.
(audience laughing)
6:15, tell Ila she has to start shitting.
(audience laughing)
6:45, tell Ila to stop shitting.
(audience laughing)
6:50, out the door.
Drop off the girls, seven o'clock.
The first day, I woke up at 7:15.
(audience laughing) Just in the weeds.
You know, when all the pleasantries of parenting
are out the door you're like, "Get the fuck out of bed!"
"Get the fuck out of bed!"
"Welcome to Thunderdome, bitches!"
(audience laughing)
They're like, "What's for breakfast?"
I'm like, "We're intermittent fasting today,
"ladies. let's go!"
"Make your own lunch boxes, I'm making coffee!"
"We gotta do this shit."
They're like, "Maybe we shouldn't even go to school,
"we're so late."
I'm like, "You're not staying with me."
"Get the fuck out the door!" (audience laughing)
They make their own lunch boxes.
Get them out the door so late.
You ever take your kids to school
so late there's no traffic?
Halfway there, you're like,
"Fuck it. Who wants to go to a water park?"
(audience laughing)
They make their own lunch boxes.
Drop 'em off, come home, take a Xanax, sleep the day away.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, 'cause I'm a housewife. (audience laughing)
Wake up, pick 'em up from school.
Take 'em out to dinner that night.
And at dinner that night, into my second glass of wine
realize I'm the only one that can drive.
(audience laughing)
Georgia sees this realization on my face and goes,
"Hey, big boy, (audience laughing)
"how you think you're doing on your first day, huh?"
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "I think we've had some hiccups, but all in all,
"I would say today's a victory."
"What do you think, George?"
She goes, "Really?" (audience laughing)
She goes, "Why don't you ask your youngest daughter."
"what she had for lunch today?"
(audience laughing)
I look at Ila and I go, "Hey, Ila,
"what did you have for lunch today?"
She just looks at me and goes, "A bag of rice."
(audience laughing)
I go, "And?"
And she goes, "A bag of rice."
(audience laughing)
Georgia's like, "Dad, she packed a lunch"
"like she was working on the railroads."
(audience laughing)
"She didn't even bring a fork, Dad."
I go, "You didn't bring a fork?"
Baby, didn't you feel
"like your lunch was missing something?"
She goes, "Yeah, soy sauce." (audience laughing)
This idiot grabbed a microwaveable Uncle Ben's bag of rice,
(audience laughing)
threw it in the microwave for two extra minutes
so it would be hot at lunch. (audience laughing)
Threw it in her backpack, no lunch box.
It exploded in her backpack. (audience laughing)
She ate it out of her backpack with her hand
like a fucking orangutan.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
"My mom's in 'Nam." (audience laughing)
- Anybody got that one friend?
That one friend that can motivate you to do shit
you ain't got no damn business doing?
That friend that can make you move
into doing things you know you're gonna go to jail for!
You ever see that movie "Pinocchio"?
(audience laughing)
And then when Pinocchio was trying to go to school,
he's trying to be a good boy, just a good little boy.
And then his friend came up and said,
"Let's go to fun island."
"It's gonna be so cool, man, let's go!"
And he's like, "Yeah, we go."
And then they turn into fucking donkeys.
They turn into jackasses.
That's what the fuck happened to me!
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
- My friend called me, she's like,
"Tiffany, come on, let's go out."
I'm like, "Nah, girl, I gotta go to bed."
She's like, "Tiffany, have you celebrated this year?"
I was like, "What do you mean, have I celebrated?"
"Did you celebrate?" (audience laughing)
"Celebrate what, bitch?"
"What are you talking about?" (audience laughing)
"Tiffany, you was the very first African American."
"female stand-up comedian to host SNL"
"and you won an Emmy for that." (audience cheering)
"You won an Emmy for it!"
"Did you celebrate, did you celebrate, Tiffany?"
I said, "Uh, no, I went to my next job"
"trying to get an Emmy for that motherfucker."
(audience laughing)
She said, "Okay, but you was in a movie with Kevin Hart."
"and it made over a $100 million.
(audience cheering)
"You was in a movie which made over $100 million."
"Did you go out to celebrate that, Tiffany?"
I said, "No, well, you know what?"
"Yes, I did, I celebrated by cashing that check."
"from that movie that made 100 million."
"That was my celebration." (audience cheering)
Thank you. (audience laughing)
Check cashed. (audience laughing)
She said, "But Tiffany,
"when you were 16, you could not read."
"You learned how to read."
"And then you wrote a book and it came out"
"and it was on the New York's Best Seller list."
"You did audio book."
"And that was on the New York's Best Seller's list."
"And you got nominated for a Grammy"
"for reading out loud, bitch!"
"Did you celebrate?" (audience cheering)
"Did you celebrate?" (audience applauding)
"Gettin' a Grammy for reading out loud."
"Do you know how inspiring that is"
"to people that hate readin'?"
"Bitch, there's people out here who can't say they can read."
"Now they finna be reading to get Grammys!"
(audience laughing)
I said, "Girl, nah, I'm working on my Hooked on Phonics"
"program so I can write a better book that's more eloquent."
(audience laughing)
She said, "Tiffany."
"It's gonna be a gang of dick in the club."
I said, "Well, shit,
"you should've said that shit in the first place!"
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
I was out there partying my ass off, dancing, drinking,
drinking more than I ever drank in my whole entire life.
I was drinking everything.
Anything somebody handed to me, I was drinking it.
Man, I was so messed up my kidneys failed on me.
I'm pretty sure I peed in the Uber.
I know my Uber rating went down.
(audience laughing)
Got me to the hotel.
Boom, I went to sleep, right?
They wake me up in the middle of the day and say,
"Tiffany, you got to do a video."
"You gotta do a video to let everybody know"
"where you gonna be at tonight."
"Got to let everybody know."
And I said, "Oh, okay, but I don't feel so good."
"I don't think I should do it."
They said, "Get out in the sun,
get out in the sun, you can do it."
If you've seen this video, this video will tell you
this is not gonna be a good show.
(audience laughing)
This show is gonna be horrible.
I didn't know where the fuck I was gonna be performing at.
It was bad, it was just another bad choice.
It's a bad idea, just look.
What up, y'all. This is me, Tiffany Haddish.
(audience laughing)
I ain't gonna lie to you, I've been out here in Miami
since yesterday's night or early this morning
and I partied, I partied all night.
I can't open my eyes, y'all. (audience laughing)
I partied, not even night, I partied all morning.
(audience laughing) I went to bed at 7:00.
It's whatever time it is right now I'm up.
(audience laughing)
But I'ma do the show tonight on New Year's Eve.
I'm about to party, about to party some more!
(audience laughing) Who comin' to party with me?
Who comin' to ring in the New Year with me?
It's James.
I don't know the name of the place.
I forget the name of the theater.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Go to my website, tiffanyhaddish.com,
you find out where it's at.
You can tell my breath stinks.
It's the James L. Knight Center Theater.
(audience laughing)
James L. Theater Center, Knight!
Ciroc's still in my system.
The party's gonna, the party's gonna be so lit!
Get your tickets, tiffanyhaddish.com.
New Year's Eve, let's go, yay!
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
She was not ready! (audience laughing)
She's not ready!
Anybody with any common sense would be like,
that show's gonna be bad.
She don't even know where the fuck she at!
(energetic instrumental music)