IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK, AND I JUST WANT TO START OUT TONIGHT
BY SAYING, U.S.A. NUMBER ONE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) U.SU.S.A.!
MY FAVORITE MOB, MINDLESS.
WHY ARE WE CHANTING?
BECAUSE AMERICA JUST DOMINATED THE 2016 OLYMPICS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S RIGHT, WE KILLED IT.
THE OLYMPICS ARE A TIME THAT THE WHOLE WORLD
COMES TOGETHER AND COMPETES IN THE SPIRIT OF BROTHERHOOD AND
GOODWILL, SO LET ME BE THE FIRST TO SAY: SUCK IT, WORLD!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SUCK IT IN RECORD TIME!
WE GOT 121 MEDALS!
AND I'M NOT SURPRISED.
I WATCHED THE GAMES HERE IN THE STATES, CAN'T REMEMBER THE
CHANNEL, AND FROM WHAT I SAW, APPARENTLY, ONLY AMERICANS
COMPETED.
AMERICANS, AND USAIN BOLT.
OF COURSE.
HE'S AN HONORARY AMERICAN, BECAUSE JAMAICA IS BASICALLY
TROPICAL COLORADO.
NOT ONLY DID AMERICA LEAD THE OVERALL MEDAL COUNT, WE WON THE
MOST GOLD MEDALS, THE MOST SILVER MEDALS, AND THE MOST
BRONZE MEDALS.
WHICH MEANS WE'RE NOT ONLY NUMBER ONE, WE'RE ALSO NUMBER
ONE AT BEING TWO AND THREE!
LAUG(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'RE NUMBER SIX!
I THINK.
I THINK THAT'S MATH.
AND THE MAJORITY OF THOSE AMERICAN MEDALS WERE WON BY
FEMALE ATHLETES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NICE.
SO, BOYS, NEXT TIME SOMEBODY ON THE PLAYGROUND SAYS YOU THROW
LIKE A GIRL, SAY "THANK YOU."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OVER TWO DOZEN OF THOSE MEDALS
WERE WON BY AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN, AND ON TWITTER PEOPLE
CELEBRATED THAT WITH THE HASHTAG #BLACKGIRLMAGIC.
WHICH I GUESS WAS EASIER TO TYPE THAN HASHTAG
#BLACKGIRLHARDWORKANDDEDICATION.
I DON'T KNOW.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THE BIG STORY WAS RYAN
LOCHTE, HASHTAG #FRATBOYTRAGIC, -- HE'S FUN --
(LAUGHTER) AND HIS MADE-UP STORY ABOUT HE
AND THREE OTHER SWIMMERS BEING ROBBED AT GUNPOINT IN BRAZIL.
TURNS OUT THEY WEREN'T ROBBED, THEY JUST HAD A CONFRONTATION
WITH SECURITY GUARDS AFTER THEY DRUNKENLY STOPPED AT A GAS
STATION, BROKE SOME STUFF, AND URINATED ON THE BUILDING.
I JUST WANT TO SAY -- GUYS, YOU STOPPED AT A GAS
STATION FOR A PEE BREAK?
C'MON, YOU'RE OLYMPIC SWIMMERS, YOU SPEND 90% OF YOUR LIVES IN
PUBLIC POOLS.
THAT'S WHAT THE CHLORINE'S FOR.
COME ON.
WE'RE ALL ADULTS.
BUT LOCHTE SAID HE DIDN'T LIE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
HE HAS A SIMPLE AND REPEATABLE EXPLANATION.
>> I OVER-EXAGGERATED THE STORY.
I OVER-EXAGGERATED.
I OVER-EXAGGERATED SOME PARTS.
MY MISTAKE WAS OVER-EXAGGERATING.
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
>> YOU WEREN'T LYING?
>> I WASN'T LYING TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.
I OVERE-EXAGGERATED WHAT WAS HAPPENED.
>> STEPHEN: HE "OVER-EXAGGERATED."
EXAMPLE: IF HE SAID HE UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE WORD "LIE"
MEANS, THAT WOULD BE A BIT OF AN OVER-EXAGGERATION.
(APPLAUSE) I THINK WE'RE APPLAUDING LYING.
I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
(LAUGHTER) AND, NOW, THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS
OF RYAN LOCHTE AS THAT CRAZY AMERICAN WITH WEIRD HAIR WHO
KEEPS ON MAKING STUFF UP AND CAUSING AN INTERNATIONAL
INCIDENT, WHICH IS NOT HOW AN OLYMPIAN ACTS, THAT'S HOW A
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ACTS.
(LAUGHTER) GET IT STRAIGHT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I GOT, LIKE, HALF A SUPERMAN
GOING ON TONIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON THERE.
DON'T TELL ANYBODY.
(LAUGHTER) AND, TODAY, LOCHTE LOST ALL FOUR
OF HIS SPONSORS, INCLUDING SPEEDO.
YEAH.
AND THAT'S GOT TO HURT, BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN HIS BIGGEST
SUPPORTER-- WELL, NOT BIGGEST, BUT CRUCIAL.
(LAUGHTER) SPEAKING OF, SHALL WE SAY... THE
BATHING SUIT AREA, CHECK OUT JAPANESE POLE VAULTER HIROKI
OGITA'S FAILED ATTEMPT AT QUALIFYING.
HE GOES UP, HITS THE BAR WITH HIS LEG, SHOULD BE FINE, COMING
DOWN AND... BOOM!
HE KNOCKS THE BAR OFF WITH A CLUNK OF HIS JUNK!
THERE IT IS.
OH, THAT POOR MAN.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IN JUST THINK, FOR THE REST OF HIS
LIFE, HE'LL HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE, "YEAH, I WENT TO THE
OLYMPICS, BUT I DIDN'T WIN GOLD BECAUSE MY (BLEEP) IS TOO BIG.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
(LAUGHTER) YOU WIN SOME, YOU WIN -- YOU
WIN.
(LAUGHTER) ANOTHER OLYMPIC OOPSY DAISY WAS
BULGARIAN RHYTHMIC GYMNAST NEVIANA VLADINOVA, WHO DANCED
HER HOOP ROUTINE TO THE THEME FROM "SCHINDLER'S LIST."
COME ON, RHYTHMIC GYMNASTS, DON'T DRAG "SCHINDLER'S LIST"
INTO THIS.
GROWN ADULTS PLAYING WITH RIBBONS AND HOOPS IS SAD
ENOUGH.
(LAUGHTER) LITERALLY ANY OTHER SONG WOULD
HAVE BEEN A BETTER CHOICE.
LIKE SHE COULD HAVE USED TITANIC.
NOT THE MUSIC, JUST THE SOUND OF THE SHIP GOING DOWN.
(SINKING SHIP SOUNDS) YOU WANT SOME HAPPY MUSIC?
SAY HI TO MY FELLOW MUSICIANS JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN!
( BAND PLAYING ) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)