>> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO
THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
DECEMBER 13, IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THIS IS OUR LAST
WEEK OF SHOWS FOR 2021.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I'M NOT SORRY TO SEE IT GO.
IT'S BEEN A CRAZY AND BEWILDERING YEAR.
STARTING WITH POLITICAL CHAOS, A CONTINUING PANDEMIC, AND
UNPRECEDENTED WEATHER EVENTS AROUND THE WORLD, INCLUDING THIS
WEEKEND, WHEN A MASSIVE BAND OF TORNADOES HIT 8 STATES, LEAVING
A PATH OF DEVASTATION, HITTING KENTUCKY ESPECIALLY HARD.
IF YOU WANNA HELP, AND I KNOW YOU DO, AND ARE LOOKING FOR
SUGGESTIONS, GO TO @COLBERTLATESHOW ON TWITTER,
WHERE WE HAVE A LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS YOU CAN SUPPORT TO
MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR THE VICTIMS OF THESE TERRIBLE
STORMS.
DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU LIVE, OR WHO YOU ARE: AMERICANS HELP
EACH OTHER OUT.
( APPLAUSE ) AS I SAID, THE POLITICS OF 2021
STARTED WITH VIOLENCE.
OUR 3RD SHOW OF THE YEAR WAS JANUARY 6TH.
MY NO-DRINK-JANUARY QUICKLY TURNED INTO VODKAVEMBER.
OVER 11 MONTHS LATER, WE STILL DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED
ON THAT DARK DAY, AND THUS FAR, THE RINGLEADERS HAVE GOTTEN OFF
SCOT-FREE.
THAT MAY BE ABOUT TO CHANGE, THANKS TO THE HOUSE SELECT
COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6TH.
THEY ARE TURNING UP THE HEAT ON ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS
INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING OF THE INSURRECTION LIKE, FORMER WHITE
HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN USING ONE PHONE TO CALL HIS
OTHER PHONE TO PRETEND HE HAS FRIENDS, MARK MEADOWS.
MEADOWS ORIGINALLY AGREED TO CO-OPERATE WITH THE COMMITTEE,
BEFORE CHANGING HIS MIND.
BUT WHEN HE WAS STILL CO-OPERATING, HE GAVE THE
COMMITTEE SOME PRETTY JUICY DETAILS LIKE A POWERPOINT
DOCUMENT FILLED WITH EXTREME PLANS TO OVERTURN THE 2020
ELECTION.
POWERPOINT?
THEY WEREN'T JUST TRYING TO OVERTURN DEMOCRACY, THEY WERE
TRYING TO BORE IT TO DEATH.
BORED TO DEATH!
( APPLAUSE ) REMINDS ME OF THAT FAMOUS QUOTE
FROM T.S. ELIOT: THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS:
NOT WITH A BANG, BUT WITH A STAR WIPE.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST LEARNED HOW TO DO THAT
( APPLAUSE ) HE SEEMS HAPPY.
HE'S PROUD OF HIMSELF.
>> Jon: YEAH, HE'S PROUD OF HIMSELF.
PowerPoint.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT WAS IN THE SLIDES OF SEDITION?
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY SURE YET, BUT THERE IS ONE DECK THAT'S BEEN
CIRCULATING, AND ONE OF THE SLIDES WAS A LIST OF
RECOMMENDATIONS, INCLUDING A PLAN TO DECLARE A NATIONAL
SECURITY EMERGENCY.
NOT SURE HOW YOU DO THAT.
I ASSUME BY BREAKING INTO EVERY BROADCAST USING
THE EMERGENCY BULL-( BLEEP ) SYSTEM.
THEY WERE ALSO PLANNING TO DECLARE ELECTRONIC VOTING IN ALL
STATES INVALID.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) INSTEAD, THEY WANTED TO RELY
ONLY ON LEGAL AND GENUINE PAPER BALLOT COUNTS.
OK, SO IF YOU CAN'T TRUST COMPUTERS, HOW ARE YOU GIVING
YOUR PRESENTATION?
VIA POWERPOINT PIGEON?
THEY'RE STAGING A COUP-COUP!
( APPLAUSE ) ONE OF THE BIG MYSTERIES OF
JANUARY 6 IS: WHERE WAS THE NATIONAL GUARD?
WELL, INFORMATION THE COMMITTEE GOT FROM MEADOWS MAY SHED SOME
LIGHT ON THAT.
BECAUSE ON JANUARY 5, HE SENT AN EMAIL INDICATING THAT
THE NATIONAL GUARD WAS ON STANDBY, TO PROTECT THE RIOTERS.
THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY PROTECT THE MAGA MOB WOULD BE TO GO BACK
IN TIME AND BEG THEIR FATHERS TO HUG THEM MORE.
THESE DETAILS ARE JUST FURTHER PROOF THAT THE RIGHT WING HAS
GONE COMPLETELY BONKERSNUTSO.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, THAT YESTERDAY, CHRIS WALLACE
ANNOUNCED HE'S LEAVING FOX NEWS.
IT'S THE END OF AN ERA.
BUT, LUCKILY, FOX HAS ALREADY FILLED THE TIME SLOT WITH
THE FLAMING CHRISTMAS TREE.
( APPLAUSE ) GREAT RATINGS.
INCROABL RATINGS.
SUPER BOWL RATINGS.
>> Jon: PEOPLE LIKE TO WATCH THAT, I GUESS.
>> Stephen: WITH WALLACE'S EXIT, FOX NEWS
WILL BE LOSING THEIR MOST DECORATED DOWN-THE-MIDDLE
JOURNALIST.
YEP, THERE GOES FOX NEWS' LAST SHRED OF CREDIBILITY.
NOW, THEY HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR SLOGAN FROM, FAIR AND BALANCED
TO, HORSE PASTE AND GUNS ARGLE BARGLE ARGLE BARGLE
BARGLE ARGLE BARGLE ( APPLAUSE )
WALLACE'S FINAL SHOW WAS YESTERDAY AND HIS LAST GUEST WAS
LINDSEY GRAHAM.
WOW.
WHAT A WAY TO GO.
THAT'S LIKE BEING ABLE TO REQUEST ANYTHING AS YOUR LAST
MEAL ON DEATH ROW AND ORDERING AN INTERVIEW WITH LINDSEY
GRAHAM.
WHAT'S NEXT FOR CHRIS?
WALLACE WILL BE JOINING CNN PLUS.
WELL, SURE.
IT'S ALL PART OF THEIR LOSE-A-CHRIS, GET-A-CHRIS
PROGRAM.
( APPLAUSE ) QUALITY JOE.
THAT'S A QUALITY JOKE.
IT'S TRUE.
WE'VE LEARNED AN INTERESTING TIDBIT ABOUT RUSSIAN PRESIDENT,
AND MAN WHO FORGOT TO TAKE THE COAT HANGER OUT OF HIS JACKET
THIS MORNING, VLADIMIR PUTIN.
I THINK YOU LOOK LOVELY, SIR.
( LAUGHTER ) PUTIN SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW
WITH RUSSIAN STATE TELEVISION, OR AS HE CALLS IT, A SELFIE.
AND HE MADE A SURPRISING ADMISSION-- HE SAID THAT AFTER
THE COLLAPSE OF THE SOVIET UNION, HE WAS FORCED TO WORK AS
A TAXI DRIVER TO EARN EXTRA CASH.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS NOT A VERY GOOD DRIVER, BASED ON THIS
REVIEW: ONE STAR.
ONE WAIT TIME.
I WAS MURDERED.
STILL ONE STAR IF YOU'RE MURDERED.
AND I'M GUESSING PUTIN DRIVES A CAB THE SAME WAY HE RIDES A
HORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, MOVING ON HERE.
I'M VERY CAREFUL NOT TO GIVE SPOILERS ABOUT POPULAR TV SHOWS.
ESPECIALLY THIS ONE.
ALTHOUGH WORD MAY HAVE LEAKED OUT THAT WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ALSO, I'VE BEEN A GHOST THE WHOLE TIME.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE NEWS DEMANDS THAT I SHARE A MAJOR
SPOILER FROM THE NEW SEX AND THE CITY SEQUEL: AND JUST LIKE THAT,
BECAUSE IN THE FIRST EPISODE, CARRIE'S HUSBAND MR. BIG SUFFERS
A FATAL HEART ATTACK WHILE USING A PELOTON BIKE.
WOW.
THERE HASN'T BEEN AN EXERCISE-RELATED TV DEATH THIS
SHOCKING SINCE A BOWFLEX SHOT J.R..
MR. BIG'S DEATH WAS SO TRAUMATIC, THAT AFTER THE SHOW
PREMIERED, PELOTON STOCK FELL 11%.
THIS IS WHY I RARELY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT REAL BRANDS ON
THIS SHOW.
CASE IN POINT, LAST WEEK, AFTER SENATOR RON JOHNSON SAID
GARGLING WITH MOUTHWASH CURES COVID, I WANTED TO DO A JOKE ON
THE SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE DIPPING THEIR BALLS INTO A NAME BRAND
MOUTHWASH.
I CAN'T SAY WHICH BRAND BUT IT'S WITHIN THE SCOPE OF ONES YOU'VE
HEARD OF BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CHRIS HEARD FROM THE NETWORK'S ARMY OF LAWYERS AND AD SALES
PROFESSIONALS, AND THEY SAID, THE ONLY MOUTHWASH BRAND I WAS
ALLOWED TO RECOMMEND DIPPING YOUR BALLS INTO WAS SOMETHING
CALLED THERA-BREATH?
HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF THAT?
NEITHER HAD I.
BUT NOW I KNOW IT IS THE NUMBER ONE
DENTIST RECOMMENDED MOUTHWASH TO FRESHEN YOUR TESTICLES.
( LAUGHTER ) THERA-BREATH,
GET TINGLY ON YOUR JINGLIES ( APPLAUSE )
YOU CAN'T BUY THAT KIND OF ADVERTISING!
I'D BUY STOCK IN THERA-BREATH RIGHT NOW!
IT'S THE ONLY MOUTHWASH I USE!
ANYWAY, PELOTON KNEW THAT THEIR PRODUCT WAS PART OF THE PLOT.
THEY EVEN LET THE SHOW CAST JESS KING, ONE OF THEIR ACTUAL
TRAINERS, AS MR. BIG'S INSTRUCTOR.
FOR THE RECORD, PELOTON INSTRUCTORS AREN'T SUPPOSED KILL
YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP YELLING
AFFIRMATIONS WHILE YOU PUKE INTO A DECORATIVE BOWL IN YOUR GUEST
ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) PELOTON DIDN'T LOVE BEING
BLINDSIDED BY THIS PLOT POINT, SAYING HBO DID NOT DISCLOSE THE
LARGER CONTEXT SURROUNDING THE SCENE TO PELOTON IN ADVANCE.
OKAY, BUT PELOTON MUST'VE SEEN THIS COMING.
EVERYONE WHO'S EVER USED ONE KNOWS THAT, AT SOME POINT DURING
EACH RIDE, YOU THINK, I'M DYING.
THIS IS HOW I DIE.
SO...
OVER THE WEEKEND, PELOTON TURNED UP THE RESISTANCE ON THEIR
DAMAGE CONTROL, BLAMING BIG'S DEATH ON HIS EXTRAVAGANT
LIFESTYLE, CITING COCKTAILS, CIGARS, AND BIG STEAKS.
( APPLAUSE ) OMITTING THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF
DEATH: HE'S A MADE UP PERSON AND THE WRITERS CAN MAKE ANYTHING
HAPPEN.
THEY COULD HAVE WRITTEN, BIG UNZIPS HIS SKIN AND WE SEE HE'S
A TURTLE.
AND NOW THE NEXT FOUR EPISODES TAKE PLACE IN A TERRARIUM.
CARRIE BLOWS THEIR SAVINGS ON A NEW HEATED ROCK.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN YESTERDAY, PELOTON DROPPED
A COMMERCIAL STARRING CHRIS NOTH WHO PLAYS BIG, AND THE PELETON
INSTRUCTOR THAT ENDED LIKE THIS: ( MUSIC INTRO )
>> CYCLING STRENGTHENS YOUR HEART WHILE ALSO LOWERS RESTING
PULSE AND REDUCES BLOOD FAT LEVELS.
HE'S ALIVE.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S ALIVE!
( APPLAUSE ) HE'S ALIVE!
EVIDENTLY, PELOTON COMMERCIALS HAVE THE
POWER TO BRING CHARACTERS BACK TO LIFE HERE'S THEIR NEXT ONE:
>> JACK.
JACK, THERE'S A BOAT, JACK.
>> CYCLING IMPROVES RESTING HEART RATE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HEARTWARMING.