(calm music)
- Okay, Mr. Nelson, do you exercise at all?
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm exercising all the time.
You know, like five hours a day.
I'm basically the strongest guy in my adult soccer league.
- Okay, are you sexually active?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, I am almost too sexually active.
I'm having sex all the time and people say it's pretty good.
I'm pretty good at sex.
- Okay.
- Like, you know, some people skip leg day?
I don't skip sex day, which is every day for me.
- Great, so tell me more about this big,
butt rash that you have.
Does it smell?
- Yeah, yeah.
It smells like gasoline.
- Yeah.
- [Voiceover] Every doctor's appointment ever.
- All right, so I'm just gonna listen with my stethoscope
and see what's wrong.
- What do you even hear with that thing?
- Breathe in.
(patient inhales)
- [Eerie voice] It's irritable bowel syndrome.
- Okay.
Breathe out.
- [Voiceover] Every doctor's appointment ever.
- Okay, so tell me more about your symptoms.
- Yeah, I feel like lately
I've just had a little more trouble breathing.
- Oh, (beep)!
It's defibrillator time!
- Jeff, no, Jeff.
Put the defibrillator down, okay?
Geez, I'm sure it's probably just some mild asthma.
- Asthma!?
Oh, I'm gonna defibrillate the (beep) out of you!
- Jeff! Jeff, chill with the defibrillator!
God!
I'm sorry.
Listen, he's new.
- Yeah, that's shocking.
- Shocking! - Wait!
- [Doctor] Jeff!
(patient chokes)
- Jeff!
I was pretty clear.
- Clear!
- [Doctor] No, no, no!
(Heart rate monitor flat lining)
- Jeff!
Jeff, he's dead!
Do you realize what kind of a lawsuit this is going to be?
I'm going to lose my practice.
I'm going to lose a PhD.
Jeff!
Jeff.
- Oh!
- Oh my God.
Oh thank God.
Oh my God, thank God.
I'm going to call my kids.
- [Voiceover] Doctor? Doctor.
- I have a bit of a sore throat.
- Sore throat.
- And my left ear is inflamed.
- Left ear inflamed.
- Wait, are you on a web MD?
- Yeah.
You do it too.
- But you're a doctor.
- Oh yeah?
Well, web MD says you have death cancer
and that you should panic.
So, that'll be $13,000.
- I have insurance.
- Oh, great.
That'll be $14,000.
- [Voiceover] Doctor!
(peeing)
(zipper hisses)
- I wonder where all these urine samples go.
Guess I'll never find out.
(Alarm ringing)
- [Woman] Fresh urine alert.
Fresh urine alert.
- Oh yeah!
My lucky day.
Another one.
God relays all of his messages through the urine.
- [Eerie voice] It's irritable bowel syndrome.
- Just as I expected, but I have to make sure. (sniffs)
Yes.
Thank you.
- [Voiceover] Doc.
- Okay.
I'm just going to check on your glads really quick.
- Okay.
- Oh, one moment.
(ice clatters)
- Is that just ice water?
(high intensity music)
- Okay.
- Oh Jesus, that is cold!
(window breaking)
- [Voiceover] Your doctor will be with you in 55 days.
(intense music)
- Oh, dang it!
I've officially seen too many naked bodies.
Nothing's sexy anymore.
God, come on, like where is the allure?
- Here's some of those x-rays for you to look over.
- Oh mami, yeah!
Strip that skin and muscle off those bones.
Wow, yeah.
Show me your calcium.
- Sorry.
Are you going to check out my sinus infection?
- Excuse me.
You are severely harshing my vibe.
- Sorry.
Whoa!
You got naked parts magazine?
- It snapped clean in half.
- Whoa.
- Oh my God.
It's fully displaced, wow.
- Do you wan to swap?
- You mean am I trying to get the opposite of hard?
No!
- [Voiceover] Anesthetic.
(door opens)
- All right.
I'll be your gynecologist today, woo!
What seems to be going on with the "lady zone"?
- I'm just experiencing like severe discomfort.
- Yeah, I totally get it, that makes sense.
The female body is a mystery.
Just pop a Midol up there.
- Up there?
Do you even know how Midol works?
- I just told, no.
The female body is a mystery.
- Okay, can I just please get some real answers?
- Yeah.
Let me check with Dr. Web MD.
Don't you worry about a thing here.
One second.
Oh my God.
I have some bad news.
You have...
a vagina.
I'm so sorry.
Really awful.
- [Voiceover] I have a degree in doctoring.
- All right.
Go ahead and put this gown on for me.
- Oh no, I hate these things.
- Oh, don't worry, we had them completely redesigned
because of how many patients were uncomfortable
with how it just completely showed their butts.
- Well, good.
I hate showing my butt.
- You don't have to worry about anymore.
- Good, 'cause I was very worried about showing my ass.
All right!
(knocking on door)
- How is it?
- I'm not really sure this is necessary for an eye exam.
- Yeah.
It's necessary.
- Great.
All right.
- Oh boy.
- So...
- Wow.
- Get to it.
- Oh, I don't even work here.
- Okay.
- I work at the "Baja fresh" across the street
and I just kind of-- - All right.
Well, should I just wait here? - Yeah, wow!
Yeah.
- Do you have any snacks?
I'm really hungry.
- Here, lollipop.
- Sick.
Oh! Oops.
(beep)
- Oh my God.
There's a back on here.
And a hairless cat.
(people laughing behind camera)
(beep)
- Spicy!
(laughs)
(beep)
- Yeah!
(all screaming)
- Wow
- Yeah! Right?
- It's like that Jason Statham movie!
- Yeah!
- Both of you stop it! - [Both] Crank...
Two...
High...
Voltage! (both laugh)
(beep)
- I've seen definitely females.
I know how that body works.
When I'm looking at it.
I know what to do down there.
If that's what you're asking, you put your head down there
and you just shake.
(patient laughs)
Right?
- [Director] Cut, cut.
Everyone knows that.
(beep)
- Did we switch brains? - Did we switch brains?
- Oh my God.
- Whoa. - Whoa.
- It's like freaky Friday. - It's like freaky Friday.
- Up in this (beep). - Up in this (beep).
- I hate it so much.
- [Director] Cut!
- I almost said "Free Willy".
(both laugh)
(beep)
- So everything's going to be okay.
All hot girls have it.
- Are you hitting on me?
- No, I have this.
So, we're both hot.
Okay?
Has nothing to do with our connection.
And the only connection we have is that we both have
irritable bowel syndrome. - Irritable bowel syndrome.
- Hot girls, all hot girls have it.