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(serene intro music)
We all know as Muslims,
we have an obligation to teach our children
manners and morals.
Without teaching our kids manners and morals,
we are setting them up to fail at being good Muslims.
Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la tells us in the Quran,
"Ya ayyuha allatheena amanooqoo
anfusakum waahleekum naran" (66:6)
O you who have believed protect yourselves
and your families from the Fire.
We have to protect our children, not only from the harms
of this world, but from the fire of the next world.
And we can do that by helping teaching them how
to uphold manners and behaviors of a good Muslim.
The Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam said,
"'akrimuu 'awlaadakum wa'ahsinuu 'adabahum"
"Be kind to your children and perfect their manners."
Be kind to your children, be honorable to them,
treat them with kindness and mercy and compassion.
We spoke already about the importance of compassion
and the relationship between child and parent
in the previous video.
And then the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam says,
"wa'ahsinuu 'adabahum"
and perfect their manners, teach them, discipline them
so that they understand proper morals
and manners of a believer.
This is actually a really profound Hadith
because the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam begins with
"'akrimuu 'awlaadakum" "Be kind, honor them"
before he says "wa'ahsinuu 'adabahum"
"Discipline them, perfect their manners."
One of the biggest mistakes that a lot of parents make,
is that they begin with the rules.
You must do X, you can't do Y
before beginning with a focus
on your relationship with the child.
If we start with the rules, whether it's a chart to follow
or a timeout, if you do X, Y, and Z.
When we focus on that, instead of the relationship,
the child will interpret the rules as being arbitrary.
And when they think that they are arbitrary,
there's almost an incentive
for them to challenge the validity
of the rules that you have set up on them.
And in this Hadith, it's really important
because it mirrors what a lot of research is saying.
"Your relationship with your child
has to precede rule-setting,"
has to precede limit-setting in discipline.
So the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam says,
"Honor your child, be kind to them".
Then he says, "Discipline them and perfect their manners".
So how do we set up rules with our children
in a way that is not seen by the child as being arbitrary?
The rules need to have an inner sense
of grounding and that you are not just creating random rules
for the child to follow, but that you as a parent
actually believe these rules
and strive to follow them yourself.
Your embodiment to the expectations
that you have on your children,
the manners and the behaviors that you want
to instill in them, that is what gives those expectations
and rules value for your child.
To say it a different way, your children will follow you
with their eyes far more than they will follow you
with their ears. You can tell them all day and night
what you expect them to do.
You can tell them the rules and the limits that you expect,
you can tell them about the chores you want them to do,
you can tell them about the manners you want them to carry,
but if they cannot see you with their eyes
that you have embodied these expectations yourself,
they will not follow you.
So I'll say it again,
Your children will follow you with their eyes
far more than they follow you with their ears.
And this concept that parents need to model proper behavior,
that children need their parents as role models.
It is an incredibly important idea
within the Quran and Sunnah.
For instance, Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la mentions a dua in
the Quran where He says, "waan aAAmala salihan tarda
waaslih lee fee thurriyyatee" (46:15)
It says, O Allah, allow me to do good things
that you will be pleased with
and allow my children to be righteous.
Look at the arrangement here, O Allah allow me to do good
that you will be pleased with.
Allow me to do good deeds, to pray, to fast,
to give to others, to be good to my parents, etc.
Then he says, "waaslih lee fee thurriyyatee"
"Make my children righteous".
Why? Because when you are doing good,
when you are the one doing the good deeds
your children will be drawn to that.
They will see it and they will follow it.
So it is logical to begin by modeling good behavior
and good manners and morals ourselves
for our children to then be able to follow suit.
If we tell our kids not to smoke
but then we smoke ourselves,
they aren't likely to follow us.
If we tell them not to spend so much time watching TV
but then we watch a ton of TV ourselves,
they aren't likely to follow us.
They see what we do, and they follow our example.
"Wallatheena yaqooloona rabbanahab lana min azwajina
wathurriyyatinaqurrata aAAyunin" (25:74).
Allah says the dua,
"Those who say 'Our Lord, grant us from amongst our spouses
and offspring, a comfort to our eyes.'
"wajAAalna lilmuttaqeena imama" Then they say,
'and make us an example for the righteous.'
Notice, they're asking Allah to make their children
the comfort to their eyes, to be a relief for them.
What greater relief is there than our children
being a good Muslims. But look at the way they end,
by saying what? "wajAAalna lilmuttaqeena imama"
Make us an example for the righteous.
Why is this part about our children and spouses?
Because if we model the behaviors of the righteous,
if we become Imaams of Taqwa,
"Leaders of Righteousness",
they too will follow our example.
Because of this, the great scholar
Said ibn al-Musayyib (RA)
was noticed to increase his prayer when his son was present.
When he was asked about this, he said,
because I know my son is watching me
and so I want to perfect my prayer.
He wants to model the best behavior
knowing his child will be drawn to how he acts as a parent.
One of the scholars of the Salaf
said a beautiful statement as well.
"liyakoon awwal islahaka lee banik islahukani nafsik."
Let your first act of discipline
for your child be your rectification of yourself.
"fa inna ayubahum wa aqadatum bi ayubik
Because their flaws are tied to your flaws,
they're knotted up with your flaws.
"fal hasanu 'indahu ma fa'alt,
wal qabihum ma tarakhth."
What they see as good is what you have done,
and what they see as evil is what you have abandoned.
Your children are learning how to be human beings
by watching you.
They understand the very nature of good and evil from us.
They learn manners and behaviors from us.
If you eat your vegetables, they see it.
And they think it's normal.
If you wear a seatbelt when you drive your car, they see it.
Now they think it's normal.
If you pray, they think that's normal.
If you fast, they think that's normal.
They've learned all of that from us.
Even the way we deal with ourselves
is something that children observe and learn from.
If we are always putting ourselves down,
if we engage in negative self-talk saying,
"Oh, I'm so bad at this."
"Oh, I'm not good."
Oh, bad things are going to happen to me."
Your kids will see that and think that's normal too.
And if they see us handle difficult situations gracefully,
not beating ourselves up over past misfortunes.
They'll learn to be kind to themselves too.
Our behavior around our children has far reaching impact
which goes way beyond their childhood
and their teenage years.
Studies show that men are more likely to marry women
who carry the characteristics shared by their mothers.
And women are more likely to marry men
who mirror the behaviors of their fathers.
What we do is an impact that goes deep
into the lives of our children.
This is why the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam said,
'Maa nahala waalidun waladan
min nahlin afdhan min adabin hasan.'
He said, "No parent has gifted their child
with anything more virtuous than good manners".
There's no better gift, not millions of dollars
or houses that you leave them in inheritance.
There is no better gift that a parent can give their child
than the gift of good manners
that you model for them throughout your life.
What are some keys that can help us become good role models
for our kids?
Number 1, Be your best self. Strive to be the best person.
The best Muslim that you can be
especially in front of your children.
Strive to pray your best, fast your best, be charitable,
be kind, be moral, be honest in your life
and certainly with your children.
Number 2, take care of yourself. To be your best,
you need to get enough sleep, you need to eat healthy.
you need to exercise, you're not going to have the energy
and drive to be your best
and manage your emotions properly in front of your kids,
if you're not taking care of yourself.
The Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam said in one hadith,
"Wa li badanik alayka haqqa."
Your body has a right over you.
He says another Hadith,
"Wa li waladik alayka haqqa."
Your children have a right over you.
And so, give your body its rights
just like we need to give our children
and our family the rights as well.
Number 3, Try again. We're human beings, we make mistakes.
No matter how much we strive to be our best self,
sometimes we're going to fall short
of the manners and morals we want our kids to assume.
Don't think, Oh, I messed up, I use bad language.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore,
they already heard me saying it.
No, keep trying to be your best.
Even if you fail, your children will see your effort.
They will see your commitment.
They will see you trying to be your best and eventually
down the road, they'll know that they need to keep trying.
Even if they, too, sometimes fail from time to time.
May Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la make us
excellent role models for our children, Ameen.