Alright, Haunted Duplex
Alright, Haunted Duplex The Prequel!
Alright, Haunted Duplex The Prequel! The beginning..
Alright, Haunted Duplex The Prequel! The beginning.. before
Alright, Haunted Duplex The Prequel! The beginning.. before.. the.. beginning!
Alright, so to start out, this story didn't really take place in my haunted duplex
It technically took place in a house I lived in before
"Ah, you clickbait little bastard!"
But it was my first paranormal experience that happened to me
And it took place when I was seven-years-old
Now, I have an older sister, named Danielle
And on one particular night, she had her friend Amanda stay the night
So it's the middle of the night, my sister and her friend are laying down about to go to sleep
Meanwhile, my seven-year-old ass is knocked out in my room
Probably dreaming about Harry and Marv stealing all my Pokemon cards
Now, it's the summer, so my sister has a box fan in her room
Because our broke asses didn't have central air
And they're laying there, trying to go to sleep
The fan keeps turning off by itself
"Amanda, you dipwad, stop screwing with the fan!"
"I'm not doing anything! It's doing it by itself!"
Again, I wasn't there for this
I was in my room, fending off the wet bandits with paint cans and shit
But according to my sister's testimonial
[Helicopter blades sounds] She said the fan started to shake violently
Well, that's not what box fans are supposed to do so it freaked them the hell out!
My sister starts screaming, like the goddamn fan's gonna chop her head off
AAAAAAAAAHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
Her screaming wakes me up: "Uh! Get away from my Charizard, Marv!"
My dad runs into her room:
"WHAT'S GOING ON? IS THE HOUSE ON FIRE? SOMEBODY GRAB ALL THE PHOTOALBUMS!"
"No, it's my fan! It's possessed by the Devil!"
My dad looks over
The fan's purring like a kitten, no problems whatsoever
"What are you talking about? I just bought that thing like 6 months ago, it's fine!"
"I'm not crazy, I know what I've seen! That thing was shaking like a goddamn chihuahua!"
"Yeah, well, I think you guys are smoking crack!"
"There's nothing wrong with that fan!"
"What do you think, Amanda? Huh?"
"You've been.. uhh.. You've been experimenting with some crack rock lately?"
"You guys don't need to be screaming at the top of your lungs.."
"Like the goddamn Backstreet Boys are in town!"
"Good night!"
*Clicks the light switch and closes the door*
So now they're a little apprehensive
But they think: "You know what, maybe we were smoking crack.."
"Maybe there isn't a demon in the box fan after all"
And they go back to sleep
Well, sure as shit, the next morning rolls around
And that fan starts turning off by itself again!
"I think it's trying to communicate with us"
"Are you a dead person?"
*Click*
"Oh my God, I fucking knew it!"
My mom walks into the room:
"You guys want some toaster strudels?"
"Never mind the fucking toaster strudels, Mom!"
"There's a demon in my fan and it's trying to talk to us!"
Now, my mom is pretty gullible
She sees the fan turn off and she's like:
"Oh my God, they're right!"
"Kenny, get up here with some Bibles! This box fan is haunted!"
"Yeah, whatthefuckever! Let me know when the walls start bleeding!"
"You guys are out of your mind!"
So that's when I walk into the room to see what all the commotion's about
"What the hell is going on in here?!"
"And why the hell were you screaming last night, like the goddamn Backstreet Boys are in town?!"
"There's a demon in the fan and it's trying to talk to us!"
So there I am, watching my mom, who's an adult, and my sister, who's almost an adult
Talk to a box fan that my dad bought from Sears
"Are you an evil spirit?"
*Clicks*
"I think if it turns off, that means yes"
"And if it stays on, uhm.. that also means yes"
Now, I'm not buying it! Even my seven-year-old brains like:
"Uhhh, that fan's broken, it's not haunted, you guys are smoking crack"
"Can we go eat some goddamn toaster strudels now?"
But they keep asking the questions
"Are you going to hurt any of us?"
"What kind of stupid-ass question is that, Danielle?"
"It's a goddamn box fan! What's it gonna do?"
"Thank you for joining us at 13 O'Clock News!"
"This just in, a whole family was massacred late last night in their home!"
"We have Dan Peterson at the scene"
"Dan, what do you have for us?"
"Well, Tom, it's pretty f*cked up!"
"It appears a box fan from Sears got possessed by the Devil and chopped everybody's heads off!"
"Back to you, Tom!"
But as soon as my sister asked that question, the fan just cuts off completely
Now this is where shit gets a little real
There's a jewelry box sitting on my sister's dresser
And this thing just flies off [Whoosh]
And damn near hits me in the forehead
Now, needless to say, it startled the hell out of me
But I look over, and I see my mom, my sister and her friend
All trying to squeeze their asses through the bedroom door at the same time
Like some kind of Scooby-Doo cartoon
Never mind the fuckin' seven-year-old boy, sitting on the floor!
There the goddamn poltergeist in the house!
It's every man for himself!
They run out into the living room to get my dad
"Get that fan out of this house! Now it's starting to throw shit at us!"
At this point my dad's just sick of dealing with it
So he takes the fan and puts it out in the garage
That's right, a brand new box fan, that was just bought from Sears
Is going into the garage now, because my mom and my sister are afraid of it
The rest of the day my sister's going around the house
Tryin' to talk to that evil spirits still
"Are you in the toaster? Toaster strudle, if you are in the toaster"
But nothing ever happened while that fan stayed in the garage
It's probably still in this garage to this day
But as a bonus, while my sister's friend was walking home from our house that day
A little tree branch fell right in front of her
And she was so freaked the fuck out
That she sprinted all the way back to our house
"Oh my God! The fan tried to kill me with a giant tree branch!"
"Alright, that's it, Amanda, I'm calling your mom!"
"You need to be enrolled in a rehab program"
"Because I'm sick to death of your goddamn crack rock stories!"
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