So in 1992, we had Legend of the Mystical Ninja, starring...
Kid Ying.
Konami didn’t even know what to do with Goemon yet, or even what to call him.
But we didn’t care.
All that mattered was there was this weird game in Japan or whatever, and you beat the
bejeezus out of things with a pipe, and it was awesome.
Six years later, we saw the return of this madness in Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon
for the N64.
And a couple scant months after that, a game by exactly the same name... for the Game Boy.
The original-butt Game Boy.
1998.
Pokemon Gold and Silver could get away with something like that.
Goemon?
Not so much.
It offered scant few of the isometric antics of the Super NES original, and none of its
successor’s 3D potential.
Instead, it was... well, Zelda by any other name.
Just without Zelda’s level of depth or polish.
The Black Ship Gang’s sailed into Edo and are on the rampage, performing INDISCRIMINATE
THEFTS!
I hate indiscriminate thefts.
Also, they kidnapped Yae, apparently because green-haired girls make the best sacrifices.
It’s up to Goemon, Ebisumaru or Sasuke to make their way through overhead screen after
overhead screen of wandering ronin, ninja, and rock-spitting sea creatures of various
flavors.
(Yep, this is getting more and more like Zelda.)
Their only means of recourse against these foes are a close-range melee weapon that can
fire a small projectile at full health (Nintendo, start your lawyers) and shuriken, which account
for about 65% of all the treasure boxes you’re going to find throughout the course of the
game.
The actual gameplay suffers from poor controls, annoying enemies, and a general barrenness
that really just makes me miss the bustle of the previous games in the series.
The saving grace, though, is in the mini-games.
And that’s a depressing thing to say.
Yes, you might have to punch out an evil warlord using Goemon’s personal giant robot, the
Impact.
(Which is awesome, because now I know I’m not the only one naming giant robots after
fonts.
I have a mecha in my driveway called the Copperplate.)
You might have to defeat a giant octopus who, after taking several shuriken to each of eight
knees, busts out his TRUE FORM: Pick the Lantern that Doesn’t Match!
And if you lose, you just die and have to start all over (unless you’ve written down
slash drawn the latest password, all Castlevania-style).
I recognize that the release of Pokemon rejuvenated the Game Boy, and that people again remembered
that, hey, this thing exists.
You’d think, nine years into the system’s life, they’d be doing it a little bit better.
You can’t even play Gradius.
And that’s as damning an indictment as any.