Hey.
Mat Boggs here, author of Project Everlasting, and I’ve got a question for you.
Have you ever dated somebody and they were great and you had a great time with them,
they matched your core values and there was chemistry, but then after a little while,
that voice kicked in and you’re like, “Ah, this person’s good, but maybe there’s
someone better.”
Right?
And you’re them, from that point on, always on the lookout for someone better.
Well, this question came in from one of my clients this week and she goes, “Gosh, I’m
dating this guy, he’s amazing and he’s got all these core values, but I notice myself
thinking this thought that there might be someone else better.
And now, does that thought mean that I shouldn’t be with this guy?
Like is that signal from the universe that this is the wrong guy? Or is that some sort
of limiting belief trying to keep me single?”
And I was like, “God, I love how you phrased that question because nine times out of ten,
that’s what’s going on.”
I call this phenomenon “upgraditis.”
When you’re dating someone but then that old thought comes into your mind, “Ah, there
might be someone better, that is “upgraditis.”
Now, how do I know this?
Because I suffered from this big time when I was looking for someone special in my life.
And the challenge with that voice is it’s not intuition saying there’s someone better,
that voice is a paradigm, right?
It’s a limiting belief that its goal is to keep us stuck and to keep us single because
if it can distract us out of something good and looking for something “better,” then
we’re back to being single again.
Because here’s the challenge with “better,” here’s the challenge with, “Is there someone
better?”
Typically we think about it from the perspective of one characteristic, right?
You know what I’m talking about.
You’re dating someone and you’re like, “Ah, you know, they’re not as tall as
I want them to be or they’re not as funny as I went them to be or maybe they don’t
have as much hair as I want them to have,” or whatever it might be.
Maybe they don’t make as much, they’re not as successful or whatever it might be.
We look at it from one perspective and what we start asking is like, “Is there someone
better?
Like I love all these other qualities, but maybe I could get them to have the one thing
that this person’s missing.”
When we come at that perspective, the answer is, “Is there someone better?”
Yes, there’s someone better.
There’s always someone who has that attribute better.
You will always find someone who’s a little bit taller, makes a little bit more money,
might be a little bit funnier, a little bit better with the family.
There’s always someone who has that particular attribute or characteristic, but the challenge
is you’re not just dating that one attribute; you’re dating the whole person, right?
You’re dating this whole person.
So what ends up happening is because they have some one attribute better, they’re
going to have other attributes that are challenging.
See, relationships are here to help us grow.
Relationships are here to help us become better version of ourself, to become better at loving,
to become more expanded.
That’s why relationships are here in the first place and that’s why there’s no
such thing as a perfect person.
Because if there was a perfect person, there would be no reason or opportunity for us to
grow and to learn how to love better.
So the question is, “How do you want to grow?”
Right?
The question is, “How do you want to be expanded?”
Because let’s say you’re dating Mr. Bright and Shiny, Mr. Successful, Mr. Smart, Mr.
Ambitious, Mr. Driven, like he’s got a fat bank account, life is good, you guys travel
a lot but he’s gone all the time.
He’s off working at business conferences and you get to see him like a fraction of
the time and you’re thinking to yourself – you’re dating this guy and you’re
like, “You know what?
This wasn’t what I want.
I want a guy who’s that but who stays home and who makes me his number one priority and
who’s more spontaneous and doesn’t have to be as rigid and vision-driven.
I want someone who can just be spontaneous with me.”
So then you start dating this other guy who’s way more creative and spontaneous and puts
you first and who’s home all the time, but now that becomes irritating because he’s
not ambitious and now the financial contribution he’s making is like this amount to the relationship.
And so the question is, “How do you want to grow?”
Because there is no perfect person.
With Bright and Shiny guy, you’re going to get some challenges.
With Mr. Creative guy, you’re going to get some challenges.
So the question to ask is no, “Is there someone better?”
The question to ask is, “Does the person I’m with have my five ultimate Yes’s – the
five things that are most important to me?
And do I feel chemistry with them and do I love being with them?”
And if you do, then the opportunity is to open your heart and lean in, right?
There’s that old saying that the grass is greener, right?
Like looking for where the grass is greener.
Well, the grass is greenest where you water it.
So if you opened your heart and you poured yourself into this relationship, what would
happen?
And how do I know this?
Because this exact thing happened to me.
I was dating an amazing women, had my five ultimate Yes’s and we got the point where
it was time to move things forward or not.
It got to the point where I was either going to propose and progress things or we were
going to break up and I stalled out.
And man, I had that voice of “upgraditis” bad and I was like, “Well, she’s amazing
and she’s got all these things, but maybe there’s someone better.”
Well, it got to the point where I wasn’t progressing things forward, so we broke up
so that we could both get clear and I could get clear and figure out what I wanted.
So I took a trip and on that rip, I was hanging out with my brother and we were talking about
whether or not I should marry this woman.
And he goes, “Well, Mat, you remember when we were kids and we would play that football
game, that video game called Madden?”
I said, “Yeah, I remember that game,” and he goes, “You remember in that game
how you can draft college players to be on your team and they all have these ranking
and from 0 to 100 they’re ranked on their speed and their strength and their agility
and quickness and awareness and you were looking for like the best person to draft to your
team?”
And he goes, “I remember playing with you and you would spend like 20 minutes going
through all the guys trying to pick the best guy for your team because you know that experience.
Like you go through and you click and you click and you click and you’re changing
the guys and then you find someone who’s awesome, right?
And maybe they don’t have the speed that you want, but he’s got all these other things
and you’re like, ‘Ah… maybe I could have someone even better,’ so then you go
and you click and you click and you click and none of the people are as good as the
person that you just looked at and you click and you click and you click, and finally you
get to someone else good.”
He’s like, “You know, life is like that, too.
And you can click through and you can choose amazing people to be on your team and you
can constantly click through to try to find the better person, but eventually don’t
you just want to play the game?”
And when he said that, something clicked in me.
Like my world changed and I said, “You know what?
Let me look at these core things.
Like does she have these five ultimate Yes’s?
She does.
Do I feel chemistry for her?
Absolutely.
I’m crazy about this woman and I love hanging out with her and spending time with her.”
And so I made a decision at that moment that I was going to pour into this relationship
and just see what would happen.
And when I did that, not only did things expand, they became extraordinary.
And if you know my story, you know that I proposed, you know that I got married, and
I am so glad that I did.
I’m so glad that I said yes to the wonder and the magic that life has in store because
this relationship not only is awesome, it’s better than I even imaging it to be and she
has qualities that I wasn’t even looking for on the board.
I love that quote, “She’s ever thing I never knew I always wanted.”
So if you are suffering from “upgraditis,” let this be the day where you don’t ask,
“Is there someone better?” but you ask, “If I opened my heart and poured myself
into this relationship, what would happen?
Does the person I’m seeing have my five ultimate Yes’s – the things that I want
in a relationship?
Do I feel chemistry and do I enjoy my time with them?”
And if you do, open your heart and pour yourself in and see the magic that unfolds for yourself.
So I hope this serves you.
If you like this video, please share it with someone that you care about, post comments
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And also, I put a resource for you in the description that gives you some free dating
advice and helps you attract the one into your life.
So thanks so much for watching.
I’ll talk to you again soon.