In Time is one of the most confusingly stupid movies I've ever seen. The concept was all right, but what happened?
Justin Timberlake has proved that he's a capable actor before, but what happened?
And the writer and director of this film is Andrew Niccol, who made Gattaca, Lord of War, and even wrote The Truman Show.
So what happened? Well that's what I'm here to find out.
Now, when I say the concept's all right, I mean at least it was original. It's set in a world where time is literally money.
You have a clock on your arm that says how much time you have left, and when you run outta time, you die.
[clip] - Time is money, yes. - Time IS money, but, like, now it's actually, literally... money.
Your clocks starts when you're 25, so when you're 25, as long as you keep getting time,
which you can get just by working, or killing people, or whatever, then you don't even age.
So, the rich people that are like a hundred, they still look like they're 25. But does this mean that gravity doesn't work?
I mean, when people get old, they start sagging, because of gravity, overtime.
People's noses get droopy, you get the double chin gullet, saggy genitals. Would gravity not affect your body after you're 25?
I guess we're never gonna find out the science behind it, but, eehh, it's the future. Now all the women can be hot.
So we start the movie of with a scene Justin Timberlake and his mom, and the actress is actually younger than JT.
I appreciate that this movie is trying to be different, but I think it's kinda affecting how we view their chemistry.
MILF!
[clip] - Bella's daughter is always asking about you. - Who has time for a girlfriend?
[YMS] And so it begins. I think one of the biggest problems with this movie, is that they can't fucking help themselves.
Every time they talk about time, it's a pun.
There are already so many colloquialisms that use time, that they decided to just use all of them.
And it makes it really hard to take this movie seriously.
Maybe if they hadn't used every opportunity to turn it into a joke, then this movie might be worth your time.
[rimshot]
All in all, it makes this universe harder to believe. It turns every conversation into a clusterfuck.
[clip] I'll give you 10 minutes for an hour.
Like, you'd think that if we started using time as currency in the future, they call it something different.
Like, it's not really time, anyway, it's measured by time, but it's just another fake currency.
Time is just a measurement, you can't sell a measurement. You can measure what you sell.
They're just trading numbers on their wrist that correspond with time, so it's not really time.
Why wouldn't you just call it something different? Great fucking idea. Gooooood... dammit.
We learn that Justin Timberlake lives in the slums, and everybody's poor, barely making enough time to get through the day.
[clip] - You got a minute? - You talking about, Maya? You have a whole year.
[YMS] Ungh. He's such a nice and stupid person, that he gets her five minutes of his life.
We learn about inflating prices and the struggle that people are going through, and then we get to see what people look like when they die.
And this raises a few questions: if time is constantly disappearing, does that mean the economy is constantly disappearing?
If there's inflation, that means that they're making time faster than people spend the time on each person's... arm.
I guess we're never gonna figure out the math behind it, but, eehh, it's the future.
[clip] - Oh wo wo, what is this? - Never met the quota.
- My units are up from last week. - So's the quota.
[YMS] Isn't this so relatable to current society? Kinda like the beginning of Death Race.
He goes to a bar to find his friend.
[clip] I don't have time to gamble any more.
[YMS] And there's a really rich guy there. Why doesn't the time show upon the other side of your arm?
It would make it a lot easier to conceal how much time you have.
Like, I get it. They wanted to make it so that people looked at their wrists like they were looking at watches, but it's kinda impractical.
Some gangsters show up out of nowhere, and this movie, once again, can't help itself but to call them something ridiculous.
[clip] Minute Men, Minute Men!
[YMS] I guess one are the disadvantages of living in this world, is that if someone takes all the money on you,
even if you have a lot in the bank, you die.
They're about to fuck him up, when suddenly...
"Wah! Let's go!" Justin Timberlake blocks the door with the dumpster, all by himself, and then the several goons can't even open the door.
[clip] - Where the hell are you going? - Get in here!
I know who he is.
Who he was.
[YMS] Least intimidating villain, ever.
The two escape without harm, and quickly exchange names
[clip] - Henry Hamilton - Will Salas
[YMS] Oh, your name's Will Salas? I was almost expecting your name to be Justin Time. Get it?
[clip] How old are you? In real time.
[YMS] Well, that's kind of a redundant clarification. Everyone's 25, fucking idiot.
He starts to tell Justin Timberlake about how he's suicidal: he's lived so long that he's bored.
And then explains why there's such a financial inequality.
[clip] Cost of living keeps rising to make sure people keep dying.
[YMS] As if it wasn't really obvious from the beginning, or for anybody in this movie.
If it wasn't the case, then they just sell the genes to immortality, not replace the currency with time.
If that were the case, then people would have to die at 25. I guess everybody's really stupid.
[clip] If I had all that time, I sure as hell wouldn't waste it.
[YMS] Mr. Suicide Man decides to give JT all of his money, while he's sleeping.
Kinda makes people vulnerable, if you can exchange time like that without them needing to be conscious.
You'd think that at least one character in this movie would have, like, a metal band around their wrists, so that couldn't happen.
"Aw, shit. I'm rich! Where'd he go?" [sighs at 'time' pun]
Oh no, he's about to kill himself. I wonder what happens to your body when you die.
What the fuck? I guess we'll never understand the biology behind it, but, eehh, it's the fucking future.
[clip] I finally got the time to take my mom to New Greenwich.
[YMS] He finds his alcoholic friend, and gives him ten years. How do you control it so accurately?
I mean, if there's conscious thought going into every exchange, then wouldn't people not be able to steal it?
Maybe they're just all really good at TIMING when to stop.
[YMS] - The full girth of your arm. - If you wanted to give, transfer time to me, you would do it like this.
Right. You w... yeah. So, it would be with your right hand, and so, if I'm on top I'm taking time, and if you're on top, you're taking time.
Oh, that's how that works, OK. And, and, and, how...
[audience laughs]
[YMS] JT's mom tries to catch the bus, but the price doubled, and she's half an hour short.
[clip] - It's a two-hour walk. I have an hour and a half. - Then you'd better run.
[YMS] "Ah, shit!" When Timberlake notices his mom doesn't get off the bus, he's like "Uh oh. And I should run, and... save her"
He runs into her, and she only has 10 seconds left on her fucking clock. But wait a minute.
If it was a two-hour walk, that means that she was running at 1.5 times the speed of her walking pace.
Not even. He started running, when she had 20 minutes left, so apparently her running speed is like, the same as her walking speed.
Here's an idea, take off your fucking heels.
[clip] Argh!
Rah, hah, hah!
[YMS] So, if anybody's wondering why I've been calling him Justin Timberlake this whole time, and not Will Salas,
it's because this is one of those movies where I only see Justin Timberlake.
I don't see a character, I just see JT. He's not a bad actor at all, but he's entirely dependent on the director.
As long as he has the right direction, his performances are solid, but something went wrong here.
[clip] Um, well, I don't know. Honestly, I didn't really considered, er...
When you're making the film, you don't think about leading role versus a supporting role, I think you just kind of get into character,
and, you know. You get lost in the character. This role, to me, was, was somebody that I admired, and someone that I felt really close to.
Um, so I probably put a little more of myself into the character, of this, of this role.
[YMS] We get introduced to Cillian Murphy's character, who is a Timekeeper. Yep.
[clip] Around here, they'd kill you for a week.
[YMS] His partner suggest the idea that maybe he killed himself, and then Cillian Murphy's like, "Ah, nobody ever kills themselves."
Like apparently, just because immortality exists, suicide's unheard of.
[clip] - What would you like to do, sir? - What we always do. Follow the time.
So JT gets a luxury cab to pick him up, and take him to New Greenwich; this is where all the rich people are.
So to get there, you have to cross several time zones. Yeah, you can't call it a toll any more, this is a time zone.
[clip] Please deposit one month.
[YMS] Do they still not have real time zones? Isn't that a bit confusing?
[clip] - What are you really doing here? - I'm gonna take them for everything they've got.
[YMS] Why would you say that? Make it, like, two minutes in a city and then get reported for terrorism.
He makes it in any way, and gets an expensive hotel room.
[clip] - What's a night here cost? - Two months.
[YMS] Meanwhile, the Timekeepers are trying to track him down.
[clip] He could have capsuled the time. - You can't hide a hundred years in the ghetto.
[YMS] The only reason they're looking for him, is because they saw him on camera,
but the camera totally didn't catch the fact that he didn't kill him.
[clip] The camera doesn't show us how the body got into the river.
[YMS] Oh, so when they showed the shot of the camera looking down on him, after the fact, so it kinda looks like he killed him,
oh, that's convenient. Was the camera just looking at the clouds beforehand? Gotta keep an eye on those clouds.
So, JT spends his time scarfing down some food, and Amanda Seyfried just creepily watches him from the background.
She was watching him in the last scene, too. She clearly has no friends.
He they decides to spend all of his time gambling, and he comes across this asshole.
[clip] Isn't this just the next logical step in our evolution? And, hasn't evolution always been unfair? It's always been survival of the fittest.
[YMS] Those damn evolutionists, and their Darwinian principles.
[clip] - I call. -That puts you all in, Mr. Salas.
[YMS] Yep. He nearly kills himself, and then he collects his winnings all slow and casual, even though he's about to die.
Now she's wet. And he's super rich, so he spends fifty nine years of his life buying a car.
Now they're off to some really well developed romantic chemistry.
But, oh no! The Timekeepers see him going into the party, and they totally recycled the security camera shot from a previous shot.
But it doesn't matter, cuz they're falling in love.
He's gonna teach her how to have fun, by going swimming in the ocean, oh, that's so dangerous(!)
And now, I'm thinking this movie isn't actually that original after all.
Maybe if you hadn't directed Gattaca, then it wouldn't be so obvious that you're recycling it.
Come to think of it, both of these films are about the failures of future genetic modifications.
You didn't need to remake Gattaca, you just mixed it with Logan's Run.
Anyway, the Timekeepers catch up to him, and they just take all of his money, I mean, time, without a trial.
JT explains his story but the Timekeeper's like "Suicide, that's impossible."
Wouldn't you know it, Justin Timberlake now knows some ninja moves.
And he only decided to use them after most of his time got stolen. Maybe there were some really cheap judo lessons in the ghetto.
Oh look, a car chase! In less than a day, Justin Timberlake became experienced enough of a driver to outmaneuver the Timekeeper.
Yay!
They make their way back to the ghetto, and apparently you don't even need to pay at time zones on the way there, but oh no, a trap.
How are you still in your car? You weren't even wearing seatbelts?
The Minute Men steal all of her time, except half an hour, because they gotta run, cuz the cops are showing up.
And what convenient timing: you both manage to wake up after they stole your shit, but before the cops showed up.
"Haaah"
So now, they gotta find some more time before they both die. "Oh, I know, why don't we get some from my alcoholic friend?"
[clip] You gave him a decade. Drank himself to death with nine years off his clock.
[YGS] "Well, fuck! OK, let's pawn some jewelry, then"
"Oh no, the cops!" I like how he pre-emptively covers her mouth, even though she wasn't screaming.
JT walks around with her in public with a gun on her the whole time, and he's like,
"Give a thousand years to the poor people here, or else you won't see her again."
So they hang out for the night, and he shows her the art of time fighting.
[clip] He'd let his time go all the way down, and they think it's over. They start watching your clock, and forget to watch their own.
[YMS] Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, cuz they're looking at your wrist, that means that they won't notice whose other wrist is on top.
Urgh! Fucking stupid.
I'm sure this won't be reincorporated later(!)
They check out the window, to see if her father paid the ransom, but no, it says "Out of time".
He decides that if they're not gonna pay the ransom anyway, he might as well let her go.
And, aw! She kisses him right in front of the Timeshare.
[clip] - Who was the best screen kisser, Amanda Seyfried, or Mila Kunis? - Um, they're both really good.
[YMS] JT just sits on the curb with a gun. Uh oh, the Timekeeper's here.
It doesn't matter though, cuz he fails really hard, and they take his gun and his car.
Before he leaves though, JT gives him a little bit of time, cuz Timekeepers apparently don't make that much.
But you know what would have been smarter?
Just let the dude fill up in his car first, then you wouldn't be wasting your own time.
They decide they need to ditch the car, so they get a new one, by stealing it.
I'm not sure if that guy was driving so slow to try and beat you over the head with a point,
or if it was because it made it a lot easier to do that 'stunt'.
[clip] I'd say "Your money, or your life", but, since your money is your life.
[YMS] Oh no! They're wanted on the news, and look, they've recycled another shot.
What bothers me about movies like this, is that there's never any chemistry between the characters' personalities.
They're just blank slates, brought together by circumstance; it doesn't even matter how the two of them act, they're just good guys.
JT might as well just be saying, "Well, you're the female lead, so... wanna make out?"
Now there's a scene with these two characters and all I can think is,
"These guys don't even look 25. They look more like they're 35. Just saying."
The rich asshole sees if he can find away to pay the timekeeper to forget that his daughter just shot him, but he doesn't take bribes.
You'd think that cops, especially in this environment, where they get paid jack shit, would at least be a little corrupt.
JT and his bitch decide rob a bank now, and despite the fact that they almost run several innocent people over,
it's really easy to take the money. I mean, time.
They left the vault open and everything.
Yeah, that silhouette looks real cool, even though it doesn't really explain why all the lights in there are turned off.
And in true Robin Hood spirit, they just give it all away.
[clip] - So help yourselves, and take a day. - Take a month.
They redistribute the wealth like nobody's business, but why does he have to do it wearing a mask and holding them at gunpoint?
They're being real nice, but wouldn't you know it, there are some unforeseen consequences.
Now everyone's telling themselves over all this time.
[clip] I finally had time to buy one of these.
[YMS] I like how he doesn't hear the car coming back for him, and I also like how if you die of anything other than timing out,
your money just disappears. I mean, your time. This economy is fucked.
They hide out in a hotel, but the Timekeeper finds them anyway.
[clip] - How did you know, sir? - This is where the hours and the days are.
[YMS] Chase scene time!
[clip] Un-fucking-believable!
[YMS] Uh oh, they used up their one F-word, now they can't say it anymore, else it'll be rated R, like this video apparently.
Hearing it twice? That would scar your mind.
They bribe a bus driver and they barely get away. That was close.
[clip] I think that it's going to be an amazing, you know, amazingly exciting movie, because it is, it is a thriller, its a sci-fi film,
it's a chase movie, it's a love story, er, it has all of those elements to it.
[YMS] They decide to get another hotel to stay in, and buy out all the rooms.
Meanwhile, the Minute Men are killing people, to try and find out where JT is. But why are they wasting all of their time looking for him?
Because of him, now, they're able to steal so much time from everybody else.
Maybe they should just start robbing banks, since it's apparently so easy. Maybe they just want the reward.
But are the Timekeepers that stupid, that they wouldn't just arrest these guys?
You'd think they'd have these guys on camera at least once.
Maybe he's just really vengeful. It doesn't really make sense, but at least we get a really funny death scene.
[clip] Please!
[YMS] All of a sudden, this guy says he knows where they are.
[clip] Just wanna share the reward.
You're a jerk. You just let that guy get killed, real classy. But who is this guy?
Oh, they showed him really, really, really briefly in the last scene, just to give an excuse for the gangsters to find them later.
Sure is convenient, how he showed up and then left as soon as they were walking up the stairs.
The two actors chill upstairs, and try their best to deliver cliché dialogue, but they get interrupted by a trendy gangster.
[clip] Hey!
I never got a chance to, er, properly thank you for your time.
The reason the Timekeepers leave me alone, is cuz I have boundaries. I steal from my own people.
[YMS] Oh! So the timekeepers ARE corrupt. Indirectly killing entire populations is fine, but taking a bribe, well, that would be wrong.
Mr. Mammary Man challenges JT to a fight, and by a fight, I mean they're just gonna hold hands and be really gay.
But at least this provides a great opportunity to reincorporated that otherwise pointless scene from earlier.
Yeah, see, cuz he was looking at his cock, I mean clock, so he got distracted, and for some reason, that made him weaker.
[clip] Uh!
[YMS] Aw yeah!
[clip] By tomorrow, you won't have time to stand around.
- [YMS] Now this bitch pretends to turn herself in, but, oh no! - [clip] Let's go for a ride.
[YMS] Turns out it's also really easy to steal a million years from someone.
[clip] - What's the combination? - Try 12-2-1809. Darwin's birthday.
- All ready done. - [YMS] RRGGHH!
Suddenly, the Timekeepers know that there's a million years missing.
[clip] A million years just went off the clock in New Greenwich.
[YMS] Off the clock? What does that mean? Does that mean it was withdrawn, cuz the time hasn't actually left the zone yet.
But they barely make it to the ghetto, but it still on the stick that they had earlier
[clip] Need a minute?
So, what sort of automated machine knows that they took it? How they automatically know that it went missing, before it left the zone?
You'd think that if that rich asshole reported them, then they'd say something more specific about it.
I mean, a lot of them thought that it was just a glitch. If you moved that thing like an inch within the safe, would it just go off, or what?
Whatever, I'm sure it makes sense, cuz it's the future.
Just like how I make tons of sense that the Timekeeper stayed in his car until the money was already distributed.
He was just passed out for convenient amount of time.
[clip] - Lost a lot of time, Mr. Leon - Looks like you're about yourself.
But why did the two main characters not have any time right now? They try to explain it with this line:
[clip] Where's our capsule?
But why would they need a capsule delivered to them when they got there, when they already had so much time?
They must have known they were running low when they were stealing a million years,
why didn't they just fill up on the way, before the car chase happened? Why did they need someone else to deliver a capsule?
Oh wait, I know why. It's so they can deliver such an tense and exciting ending(!)
"Oh my god, we gotta get time before time runs out"
I think you've changed your outfit enough times in this movie to know not to wear heels. And you did it anyway.
Not only that, but they spend the hour they have going to some place called Livingston.
- [clip] We gotta get to Livingstone - [YMS] But why? Is that where they left their capsule?
If you had an hour on your clock, you could just hide out like a block away, get someone to go get time for you,
just be like, "I'm the guy that just brought a million fucking years into this place."
Do they have a hideout at Livingstone?
If their objective is to escape the Timekeeper, they're certainly not doing a very good job, running in the middle of the fucking road.
Maybe when he said, "Where's our capsule?", that means that they left one in the car?
Whatever, it's given them an excuse to run somewhere for the dramatic ending.
Stop!
I'm gonna need some of that time you borrowed from me, unless you want us to die on the way our execution.
Oops!
[YMS] "Yeah, woops. I totally forgot to look at my arm."
They realize that they're about to die. But wait, there's totally time in his car.
[clip] - What? - The Keeper's time. Run.
He makes it first, because he's not wearing fucking heels, and the scene looks all too familiar.
But this time he made it, yay!
Looks like the day is saved, and this corrupt system is heading for a collapse.
"No! The lower class are integrating!"
And these two stylishly end the movie, implying that they're gonna rob a huge bank.
Shouldn't be too hard, if the vault's wide open again.
The end.
[clip] The movie opens on, er, er, F-Friday, and pr-probably will be one of the, the early big holiday blockbuster films, don't you think?
I...I hope that you're correct.
[YMS] So what went wrong here? I think it's safe to say that you should think twice before recycling your own ideas.
Unless you're Michael Haneke.
Although Andrew Nichols other films aren't flawless, I'd consider them great, even if this movie is only appealing to twats.
[clip] This film will appeal to everyone, because it's very, errr, unique.
[YMS] And if you're gonna make a fictional universe, at least make it consistent or make sense.
Even just acknowledge some of the questions we might have as audience members.
Watching a nonsensical plot like this is about as awkward as being interviewed by people that don't even speak your language.
[clip] [speaking French]
She has goosebumps just knowing she's talking to you.
[speaking French]
Subtitles by JorWat
Go see the movie!