- When you think about gifts in the human experience,
one that doesn't come to mind often is the idea of contrast.
And yet, it's a beautiful gift in this human experience.
And I'll give you an example.
One of the reasons we have a concept of being alive
is because the concept of death exists, right?
How we know we're happy
is because we've experienced being sad.
How we know we're healthy is we've experienced being sick,
and we're often the most grateful
for our health right after we've dealt
with some sort of illness or sickness.
So contrast is this beautiful human element
that helps us experience life to the fullest.
So, in relationships, if you look at, okay,
what is it that creates this desire to be together?
What is it that creates this pull to one another
and really causes us to miss one another?
We're gonna pull back some of these elements
and these experiences that can help dial up the feeling
of this desire to be with one another in a relationship.
The first concept, let's explore, is called fuel the fun.
Now, what would be the contrast to fun, right?
Some people say the contrast to fun is work.
And I would argue that that actually is not the contrast.
It's not fun and work, it's fun versus boredom.
Boredom is routine.
Boredom is the same thing over and over again.
Routine lulls the brain to sleep.
Like, if I asked you to think about last year,
what happened in April of last year, one week you'd be like,
I don't know,
but let's say spring break was in April of last year.
And I say, what did you do for spring break?
Oh, you took a vacation in the spring of last year.
What'd you do on that vacation?
You could remember where you went.
You were like, oh, we took this camping trip,
or, oh, we went on this vacation.
Or, oh, we went to this country.
Why? Because the routine was broken up.
It was something new. It was something fun.
How to create this experience
in this relationship is how do you infuse fun?
The reason we get in relationships
is because it's more fun to be with a person than it is
to not be with the person.
And often in relationships where we're married,
or we're living together, or we're partnered up,
it's really easy to get into this rote routine
where you're basically just divvying up the chores
and managing life together.
As you're doing the laundry, you're cooking,
you're doing the dishes, you're going to work,
and it becomes this very,
and even if you do a date night,
that date night can start to get stale
if it's the same kind of thing every single week.
So, how do you create that feeling of like, oh,
I wanna be with this person,
is you start thinking about how can I infuse more fun?
So how do you do that?
What are the common interests that you both love
that you could go experience together?
What are some new activities that you could do together?
What are some ways that you could progress
and grow together?
Whether it's like, hey,
let's do this fitness challenge together,
or let's take this cooking class together.
All of that's gonna feel
and infuse fun into the relationship.
Number two, if you want a man to miss you,
have a great signature smell.
I know that this might sound trite,
this might sound surface level,
and this might sound, you'd be like, oh,
that's not really important,
'cause the truth of the matter is who you are
and your quality, your character is of course,
that's what's most important,
just is the same thing for him.
And at the same time, there's no denying, no arguing,
that one of our great bonding experiences is through smell.
As babies, when we're babies,
we bond to our mother and father through the sense of smell.
And so if you have this smell that you love,
it's your signature smell that you're like, oh,
you feel really good in this smell,
and then when he's around you,
he's gonna be smelling that smell
and he's gonna be enjoying that and loving that.
And let's say the two of you were at a place
in your relationship where you spend the night
and he smells that smell a couple days later on your pillow,
and he's, oh, it brings back all those beautiful memories
of the two of you spending time together.
Or maybe the two of you took a drive together
and like the next day he could smell the remnants
of your perfume in the car.
And it's like, ooh, it brings that back.
That smell is a beautiful bonding smell.
Now, you might be the woman who you're not into perfume
or body sprays, and that's okay.
It might be essential oil for you.
Whatever it is though,
if you can find a smell that's your smell
that your man also loves,
that is gonna be a great way to cause that feeling
of missing you when you're not around.
Number three, this thing creates a beautiful missing effect
when he's not around you,
and it is to leave the date on a high note,
on a high note.
They say that great endings lead to great beginnings.
So what does that mean on a date?
That means when you end the date on a high note,
on a super positive note,
then that means that when he's not with you,
he goes back to his everyday life,
he's gonna be missing that interaction,
'cause it's gonna be in contrast, that high note,
to whatever his normal routine is.
And so ending the date on a high note might be as simple
as simply appreciating him for the great date,
for the place that he chose,
for what a great time that you had together.
If you're at a place where the two of you are kissing
and hugging, it might be ending it on a really sensual,
beautiful kiss or hug.
Or if you're not quite there, but you're almost there,
it might be what's called the cliffhanger kiss,
where he kind of goes in for a kiss
and you kind of put your finger up to his lips
and pause him and you say, oh,
I wanna kiss you so bad right now,
but we're just not quite there yet.
And so it's that anticipation of the kiss
and that contrast.
Either way, if you can leave the date on a high note,
that's gonna add to him missing you
when the two of you are apart.
And this leads me right to number four,
let him have his alone time.
If you want to amplify this contrast of with you
versus without you,
you've gotta let him have the time without you.
And it's not just let him have that time,
but if you can encourage that time,
if you could actually anticipate that time
that he might be fueled up by that time away,
it can be a really valuable thing.
For example, my wife will notice
when I'm just kind of needing what we call dopamine time,
it means like I'm going out
and I'm accomplishing something with my boys.
It might be we play a sport together, or I go to the gym,
or I go to run,
I do something by myself to fuel that energy up.
Sometimes she can notice that I really require that time
before I'm even aware of it.
And she's like, "You know what, honey?
You're kind of feeling like on edge a little bit.
Maybe you need some dopamine time."
And I'll check in, I'm like, you know what?
You're right.
And so I'll call my boys and we'll go surf
for the afternoon or whatever,
and I come back in a completely different state.
That contrast time is really, really valuable.
And so encouraging him, celebrating him,
making that welcome, you know,
not guilt tripping any of that.
So you do you, you do your amazing life during that time.
Encourage him to have his life at that time.
Woo, great for stoking that feeling of wanting
to come back together.
On this same theme of creating that contrast
and that space is number five,
which is let him text you first.
So, in other words, you're leaning back
and you're letting him lean in and text you,
letting him lean in and communicate first.
Why is this so valuable?
It's valuable, not because you're playing games,
or you're wanting to manipulate any situation.
No, you're creating a pacing
and creating a space so that he's thinking about you
and he's doing the initiating.
And that actually is a very powerful demonstration
to his own subconscious mind of like, oh,
I like her enough to reach out.
I'm missing her. I wanna hear her voice.
I wanna interact with her.
And so he's leaning in and he's texting you first.
Of course, if you're married,
or you're partnered, or whatnot,
you're gonna be texting back and forth all the time.
You're beyond this pacing the relationship
as you build the attraction into a commitment.
But if you're in that early courtship phase,
create that space.
Let him text you first
because it will actually ignite an even greater sense
of missing you and acknowledgement of his desire for you.
Number six, when you do text
and you're texting back and forth,
let's say you are in a long-term relationship
and you're texting one another, be flirty.
Don't let that flirty energy die away.
So again, this is not for the courtship phase.
This is when you guys are together and you're committed.
He wants to know that you desire him, that you're into him,
that you still find him sexy, that you still find him,
that you still want him.
All of those things,
like let's say the two of you're gonna have dinner together
and you know the special jacket that he has
that he looks really good in it.
And you can be playful and you can say,
"Hey, you better not wear that brown jacket to dinner
because it's way too sexy.
I'm just gonna have to rip it off you
at the end of the night anyway."
Something fun, something flirty, shoot him those texts.
Great energy tension builder
when the two of you are not around.
Number seven, this creates this missing energy
when the person's not there, is live your best life.
In other words, you don't have to wait for him
to have the activities that you wanna have,
to do that hike, to go on that vacation, to write that book.
The bigger things, even the smaller things,
if you're gonna go to the gym and work out,
those types of things, live your best life.
Because here's the deal, when you progress in life,
you naturally feel happier,
you naturally feel more confident,
you naturally feel more radiant.
When you're regressing in life,
that's when we get discouraged.
You feel like you're backsliding, you're moving backwards.
We get depressed about those particular results.
So don't wait for him to progress.
Live your best life, go after what you want.
You feel that expansion.
And then when he's around you,
he's gonna feel the contrast of that energy and be like,
woo, I want some more of her, please,
like what she's got, that's what I would love.
And he wants to be around you at an even higher degree.
Now, here's what's cool,
and here's really the bottom line.
The bottom line is it's hard to mess up
the right thing, right?
It's hard to mess,
the two of you're gonna miss each other naturally.
The two of you are gonna feel bonded naturally.
And that said, relationships are these living things.
And so focusing on them,
pouring into them the right way
can take the relationship experience
to an even higher level.
And that's what all of this is focused on.
So my question for you is,
what are the dynamics of a relationship
that make it feel really good to you?
What are the things that happen in a relationship
that cause you to say, yeah,
I'm loving being in this relationship?
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below.
I appreciate you. Thanks for watching.
I'm looking forward to seeing you soon.
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