NOHO HANK:
I know, long time no see. Totes my fault, okay?
And I know you're probably pretty psyched to see
what Barry and I are getting up to,
but in meantime, let me refresh your memory
on all the beefs that has happened so far.
Let's dive in. Shall we?
♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
So Barry is like super great guy who is a hitman,
but he also wants to become an actor.
If you cannot remember that,
then like, why even watch the show?
That's it. I'm going to the cops.
HANK:
-Wait, wait, wait, wait! -(GUNSHOT)
HANK:
to vehicular homicide the Bolivian mafia leader, Cristobal.
(GUNFIRE)
♪ (PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
Barry also kills Goran...
Goran?
...making me HCIC, Head Chechen in Charge.
And jokes on us, because it turns out
Bolivians are actually super cool guys,
especially Cristobal.
We become 50-50 partners, a total dream team,
until Esther from Burmese mafia comes in
and screws everything up.
Okay, sweet baby Jesus.
(CRISTOBAL LAUGHS)
How could we not want to be in business with this, huh?
(LAUGHTER)
Welcome to my sanctuary.
So the first time I saw...
HANK:
Barry's hitman monologue from before.
I'm good at killing people.
I-- I don't remember that.
HANK:
that Barry is murderer connected to Ryan Madison's death,
which really, I was the one who got that done.
But whatever.
Move.
HANK:
(SIGHS)
Anyway, back to my Esther problem.
I asked my BFF, Barry, to do me a solid and kill her, which should have been easy,
since she has such a huge watermelon head.
Well, he sure dropped the ball.
But he totally made it up to me by turning
my ragtag group of pathetic idiots
into SEAL Team Six and a Half.
Overall, it was a great Saturday.
(ALL CHANTING)
And just when we're all ready to totally bring down Esther,
we're sold out by the fucking accordion guy.
God, I hate that guy.
It's okay though because I save us all
from being burnt alive on school bus,
which is actually kind of a real lean in moment for me.
Oh, shoot. I'm running out of time.
You wanna choke me? Well choke on this.
I'm fucking leaving you.
HANK:
Barry's girlfriend wants to do, like, powerful lifetime play
about her abusive ex-husband.
Hey, Sam.
HANK:
A cop finds Fuches' tooth in Goran's garage.
Loach then uses Fuches to trap Barry.
You get rid of him, all of this goes away.
What?!
HANK:
about the fucking war crime, NBD.
Fuches and Barry get their asses handed to them
by this crazy Taekwondo father-daughter combo.
Barry's girlfriend's play is a huge hit,
even though it's a lie.
Then, Fuches lets cat out of bag to drama teacher about Barry.
OMG, I almost forgot.
The biggest news, Crisobal-Hank dream team get back together,
'til Barry shows up to our wicked dance party
and starts killing people.
Fuches!
HANK:
But still, I'm like, read a room.
(YELLING)
HANK:
Hey, man.
...my safehouse looks like set of
and my best friend might've overdone it a little bit
with the violence.
Just classic one of my misadventures.
So who knows what's next in store for--
Oh, come on now, wait. Who did that? That is so sweet.