Jory: Please, don't try this at home.
Riley: We're YouTube celebrities.
Jon: So, we know what we're doing.
Hello, and welcome to "Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This?" I, of course, am Jonathan Paula, in my one episode a season I get to host.
Jon: Today, we're microwaving this vintage Simon Says board game. I don't know that you can call it a "board game," but who are you again?
Simon says I'm Riley.
Jon: Great... Uh, well, Simon-Says-I'm-Riley, the problem with this Simon Says game is that there's no batteries in here, and it takes these giant "D" ones.
Jon: So, I don't know if we're gonna be able to get 'em in time. So, how 'bout you pretend to be the game, and I will play along?
Riley: It's vintage?
Jon: Oh, yeah!
Riley: So, it's old? Okay, hit "start."
Jon: Alright, here we go. "Start."
Riley: (in robotic computer voice) Simon Says!
*Riley continually makes computer beeping noises to simulate which color Jon should push*
*Jon starts beating colors in rhythm*
Riley: (gives beatbox sound) Uh-huh! This my [beep]!
Riley: (singing Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl") "All the girls stomp their feet like this! Few times come 'round that track, it's not just gonna happen like...!"
*theme song plays*
Jory: It smells like victory!
Jory: All hands to the deck!
Jory: Nobody likes roasted nuts!
Jory and Jon: WHOA!
Jory: You got that on camera, right?
Riley: I don't trust this bitch!
Jon: Are you out of your mind?!
Jory: The masks- they do nothing!
Riley: You TOTALLY could have died!
Riley: The tin foil shield- it actually worked!
Jory: Stopping, stopping!
Riley and Playlist Live crowd: 3.5!
Jon: YEAH!
Jory: Is it a good idea to microwave this?
Jon: Let's find out! Here in Jory Caron's Microwave Laboratory 3.5, safety is, uh...
Riley: (in robotic computer voice) ...our #1 concern!
Jon: That's right, Simon! Thank you! That's why we hide behind this giant, big-ass tin foil shield to protect our nuts, because nobody likes...
Jon: (whispers) ...roasted nuts!
Riley: Let's go!
Jon: Alright, so here's Simon Says. We're gonna put him on skill level "4," because, well, I think that makes it the funniest.
Riley: I don't think so. Put it in the microwave!
Jon: Alright! So, we don't need a turntable. Simon Says IS our turntable!
Riley: Perfect fit!
Jon: Simon says, "How long should we put it in there for?"
Riley: 7:84!
Jon: Good suggestion!
*electronic game beeping*
*Jon starts Gabrielle*
*Jon makes scared noises*
Riley: Get out of here!
Riley: Look at all the lights!
Jon: Wow!
Riley: Whoa! That's amazing!
Jon: It hasn't worked in 20 years, but we have the power of radiation on our side, boy!
Jon: Simon says, "Help me, please! This hurts!"
Jonathan says, "I don't give a [beep]!"
Riley: Oh, it's smokin' a lot!
Jon: Ooh, look at this! (in robotic monotone) Yellow, red, green!
Riley: Blue!
Jon: Oh, that WAS blue, okay! Green! OH!
Riley: WHOA!
Jon: Green, green, green!
Riley: Every color at once, every color at once!
Jon: Red, red, red!
Riley: (in serious monotone) Red alert, red alert!
Jon: It looks like the Starship "Enterprise"!
*Riley makes spaceship sound*
Jon: That's really neat that all the lights aren't going off simultaneously, but they're going off individually, like you're playing the game!
Jon: It reminds me of the, uh, "The Close Encounters of the Third Kind" movie, where the spaceship comes, and it's just beeping signals to the humans...
Jon: ...and we don't have any idea what it means. This is Simon Says communicating to us!
Riley: This isn't the universal way of saying "hello"?
Jon: No. I think this is universal for "help me."
Jon: I'm kinda waiting for it to burst into flames, but I'm not sure that's gonna happen. What do you think, Jory?
Jory: Uh, you wanna do 40 more seconds?
Jon: Simon says, "40 more seconds is acceptable!"
Jon: Alright, 5 minutes- let's kill it there.
*Riley shuts off Gabrielle*
Jon: I'm gonna put my mask on.
Riley: Alright, go!
Jon: (muffled through mask; to Riley) Whenever you're ready...
Riley: Whoa, whoa, whoa! It just burst into flames, Jon!
Jory: (muffled) It DID just catch fire!
Jon: (muffled) Seems alright to me.
Jon: (muffled) Green...
Jon: (muffled) Red...
Jon: (muffled) Yellow...
Jon: (muffled) Blue... Yay! Everybody wins!
Jon: It's stuck on skill level "4" forever. Simon says, "I'm dead."
Jon: Let's put him over here in the victim's tray, where he will smolder for eternity.
Jon: Is it a good idea to microwave a Simon Says?
Riley: It was a stupid game, in my opinion. I never liked it, so I'm gonna ahead and say...
Jon: So, you're probably wondering, is it a good idea?
Riley: And I'm gonna say, "Bad idea." Bad idea!
Jon: Simon says, "It's a bad idea." Jonathan...
Jory: (to Jon) But what do YOU think? Yeah.
Jon: Jonathan says, "It's a good idea." 'Cause I don't get to do this that often, and I want a good idea, goddamnit! It's a good idea!
Jon: The green light lit up. That's proof enough for me!
Riley: So did the red and the yellow and the... Whatever, whatever.
Jon: (to Riley) Shut your face, alright? My evidence stops at my logic, okay?
Riley: That's about all the time we have for "Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This?" This is Jonathan Paula.
Jon: I'm your host...
I'm Riley McIlwain. Jonathan Paula.
Jon: You don't let me say...!
Riley: (insistently) Jonathan Paula!
Jon: I don't even...!
Riley: (very insistently) Jonathan Paula!
Jory: Okay! That wasn't gonna happen!
*Riley laughs*
*end credits play*
Jory: (signaling to start) Okay...
Jon: Hello, and welcome to... Wait- no!
Jory: (about Simon game) It still works, right?
Jon: No, I don't think it did.
Jory: (touching microwaved Simon) Aw, [beep], that's hot!
*Jon and Riley laugh*
Jon: Even when you're behind the camera you make dumb decisions!
*Click on episode #150 to see wonderful Jackie prove that Jon doesn't kill all the microwaves he hosts with!*