- Oh, come here, Santa.
- (grunts)
- I can stuff you in here. Get in here.
Come on, come on, come on. - [Santa] I'm trying.
I don't know if (grunting)
Where? That? I can't fit in that.
- No no, yeah, you can fit, you can fit, just try it.
- (grunting)
- Squeeze!
- (grunting)
- Get - (screams)
(upbeat dance music)
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back
to another episode of Hide and Seek.
Today, joined with the one, the only, Nick Barbarian.
And Santa Clause!
-[Santa] Oh ho, hello Preston!
- How you been doing?
So Santa Claus, do you like me, even though I'm Jewish?
- [Santa] Well, yes. I like everyone.
I just-- - Aww.
- [Santa] If anything, I like you more
because I don't have to stop at your home.
- (laughing) - [Santa] So many homes. (sighing)
- I didn't realize that actually
that's kind of like a big advantage.
Santa loves Jews, ladies and gentlemen.
You've seen it here first -[Santa] Love 'em. Love 'em.
(laughter)
- [Nick] Come look at this little secret
(door latch clicks)
This is my secret Candy Cane Clubhouse.
(door latch clicks)
- No. - You can come in, though.
- No. - Yes. You can - stop
(door latch clicks repeatedly)
-[Nick] Stop opening the doors. - You spoiled it.
- Alright Nick, you can start 'er up.
(singing)Start 'er up, Nick. Start 'er up.
- [Nick] Don't tell me what to do, Preston.
- Start the - start the games, Santa Claus gonna get mad.
- [Santa] I'm gonna get furious.
- See? He's getting furious, Nick.
- [Nick] Santa, can you give me a special gift
if I start the game up? Like, an extra gift?
Early? -[Santa] I'll give you a gift.
I'll let you live, Nick. (laughter)
- [Nick] Oh, oh my gosh.
- Savage Santa Claus. (laughing)
- [Santa] Aw, yep.
(base beat music)
-[Santa] Look, not to sound like this, but we're
really down to the wire here. I'm going
to be flying all over the world.
I just want you to start - Nick, start the game, please.
- Nick, start the game. You heard Santa Claus.
- [Nick] Okay, okay. Only because Santa asked.
- [Santa] Thank you, thank you. - [Nick] I wouldn't have done it
if it was just you. -[Santa] Otherwise
you're going on that list. The Bad List.
The Really Bad List.
- And you're gonna get nothing but coal.
-[Santa] I'm seeking?
- [Nick] Yeah, I figured, you know, hey.
- Yes, of course, Santa!
- [Nick] Santa, it's your village, why not?
Why not make you seek?
- [Santa] (laughs) - Oh, Nick, Nick!
- [Nick] What? What? - Let's hide together.
- [Santa] They didn't design this right.
I don't know anything about this.
- [Nick] Preston, this never works for me.
It always ends up -
- Yes, yes it does. Shhhh. - No, no, no.
- It'll work, it'll work. (door latch clicks)
-[Nick] Preston, what are you doing? You're leading me nowhere.
- Shhh. Shut up, dude, I'm trying to find some place to go.
(door latch clicks)
- [Santa] Sounds promising... - [Nick] You know what?
You're on your own here.
- Nick, Nick, Nick. Come back, come back.
- [Santa] ...for me
- [Nick] No, I'm already gone, Preston.
(door latch clicks)
- [Santa] Oh! Alright, here we go.
- Oh my god, I'm not losing to you, Santa.
- [Santa] (laughing) Listen, you do have an advantage.
Because this is not the way I designed this place.
At all. I was gone or a week, I came back and
I don't even know what this is.
- [Nick] Well, Santa, I have another question
Where are all the elves? There's no elves here.
Don't you usually have a bunch of elves?
- Oh, he had to get rid of them.
- [Nick] What? - [Santa] Well, in a way...
- [Unison] Yeah.
- It's just time, they weren't working hard enough.
- [Santa] You know, Child Labor was all over me on this.
I tried to explain, they're just - they're little people
with sharp pointy ears, but they're like
Nope, no, they're kids.
- [Nick] Oh my god, okay. - [Santa] Yeah.
I have to do this all alone, now.
- [Nick] Wow, oh my, wow.
- That's a big undertaking to do alone, Santa.
- [Santa] Uh huh. Yup. Yup. - [Nick] Good for you, Santa.
- [Santa] Good thing I like the kids.
(door latch clicks)
- [Nick] Ow! Preston, stop it, I'm trying to get in there.
(laughing) (door latch clicks)
Listen, I hate you. - No! (laughing)
- [Nick] Don't do this to me. (laughing)
- [Santa] Where are you? (door latch clicks)
- [Nick] I'm stuck! (laughing)
You know what? That's it. Santa,
Uh, Guess what? - [Santa] Yup?
- I have a present for you. - No, no, no.
- [Santa] You do? I never get presents
(shushing sounds)
- [Nick] It's a very special present.
(3 dramatic chords)
(Here Comes Santa Claus plays)
- [Santa] Oh ho ho, hello, friends
- I see him, I see him. Nick, hide, hide.
He's coming, he's coming, he's coming, coming.
(door latch clicks)
-[Nick] Oh, he's coming here? Oh my gosh (screams).
- Nick.
- [Nick] This is not a good hiding spot.
-[Nick] What are you doing? Are you trying to parkour?
This isn't a parkour match, Preston.
- Nick, run. Just run! He's coming.
- [Nick] I don't believe that Santa's coming.
I mean - (door latch clicks)
- [Santa] You should believe.
- [Nick] If there's a song about Santa coming to town,
then maybe I would believe it, but there's not, so...
- [Santa] There is, there is. And you know what?
I'm sick of hearing of it, to be honest.
I hear it - it's been a millennia that song.
- [Nick] I feel like that's just something
you say so people think you're modest.
But in reality, it's probably your ring tone
- [Santa] - I don't love it. What are you -?
Alright, I don't know how you -
- (gasps). Nooooo. No. Nick help me.
- [Nick] Uh, Preston, remember how I said
you were on your own?
- [Santa] - There was no help for you.
Your hand was sticking out of the wall.
- What do you mean it was sticking out of the wall?
- [Santa] Do not destroy my village.
- I wasn't destroying (exhales sharply). Oh God.
- [Nick] Uh, Santa, I think you might
have not accidentally tagged Mr. Preston over there.
(crunching) - Ho ho ho!
- [Nick] Oh, no. He's an elf. - [Santa] Yes.
You know what? You're gonna work for me now.
- Child labor laws. - [Nick] This is how Santa
gets his elves. (footsteps)
He plays Hide n Seek and tags people.
-[Santa] You're not a child, Preston.
I know you're not a child. - I am a child.
- Help me find your friend, and then what we can do
is you guys can load my sleigh. (laughing)
- (inhales sharply) -[Santa] There he is.
- Because I'm top - (inhales sharply) Oh, there he is.
- [Nick] No, I'm not. -[Santa] Oh, no. I see him.
- [Nick] No you don't. (footsteps)
- Santa, we have to go now. (footsteps)
- [Santa] Yep, go get him. (keyboard clicking)
'Cause it's hard for me to run, that's a lot of cookies.
- There he goes. - [Santa] (coughing)
- Where'd he go? Aw, Santa's so fat now.
- [Santa] Yup, yeah, yeah. (keyboard clicking)
I stopped smoking that pipe. (door latch clicks)
- You gotta stop that, Santa.
Tobacco's not good for your health.
- [Santa] It's awful. Nope, nope.
- [Nick] Now, here's the thing, Preston.
You might have thought that you saw me,
but in reality you saw a figment of your imagination
that I projected into - I love figs
- [Nick] your mind to confuse you.
I love Fig Newtons, too - They're so tasty
- [Nick] but that's not what we're talking about
- But they're very processed - [Santa] Really good.
- [Nick] Now I'm hungry.
- [Santa] They're really good. I hate Hydrox, though.
- [Nick] Wait, you like Fig Newtons, Santa?
I always thought that you liked chocolate-chip cookies,
and sugar cookies - [Santa] Love 'em.
Well, it gets old. Listen, I'm all over the world
and I'm getting a million chocolate-chip cookies
I get sick of it.
- That sounds kind of conceited, Santa.
- [Santa] Oh, it does?
- Mm-hm.
- [Santa] How many chocolate cookies do you have right now?
- Yeah, uh, I don't have any. I don't have any.
- [Santa] Yeah, okay. Alright, good.
- Because you won't share any with me.
- [Santa] No, I won't now. No.
- (laughing) You wouldn't have before, either.
- [Santa] Hey, Preston, here's something for you.
(door latch clicks)
You're on the Naughty List. Forever.
- [Nick] See? He can do that, Preston.
You should be careful. - [Santa] Uh-huh. Yeah.
- Well, he doesn't even visit my house.
We had the discussion.
- [Santa] I hit the Enter Key once
and you are moved, my friend.
- [Nick] Oh, Preston what are you doing? What are you doing?
(high pitched laughing)
I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
(door latch clicks) - Nick, come out.
- [Nick] No, this igloo is closed for business, sir.
- [Santa] Preston, that could redeem you.
- [Nick] No, it's closed, Preston.
- [Santa] You'll be on the Good List.
- [Nick] You know. Don't do this. Listen, Preston.
- I don't care about the Good List anymore.
This is about something more.
- [Santa] Revenge?
- Yes.
- [Nick] I feel like it's not about anything more.
(door latch clicks) Look, Preston, I didn't want
to do this, but here you go. Just put these -
-[Santa] Ho ho - oh, ow. Cactus? Why are you
giving me cactus? Why? (laughing)
(sword clinks)
- [Nick] It's just - just roll with it, Santa.
You're fine, you're fine. (door latch clicks)
-[Santa] Whoa, whoa, hey, okay, there, buddy.
Let's slow down a bit. Whoa, don't need that here.
We're gonna have a problem - Look man, I'm an angry elf
Right now, I'm angry. (door latch clicks)
(sword clangs) (screaming)
- [Santa] Ow.
- [Nick] Preston, stop. You're not an angry elf.
That's from the movie.
- (chuckling) Oh, I'm sorry.
- [Nick] It's really dark. Is this
what being Santa Claus is like?
- No, no that's what being an elf is like.
- We gotta get out of here.
- Come on, come on, Santa, it's going
to be really hard to hide you. You're so fat.
- [Santa] I know. I've been trying to lose weight.
I've been trying but nothing works
- You really gotta get on those diet cookies, man.
Have you seen those?
- [Santa] I did, I'm allergic to the stuff
they use though to make it sugar free.
- All of them?
- [Santa] Yeah, it's an ugly scene, Preston.
I don't really want to get into it.
- (laughing) I think you need to get
on a diet soon, though. I can stuff you in here.
(grunting)
Get in here - come on, come on, come on.
- I'll try it. I don't know if (grunting)
(door latch clicks)
Where, that? - You can. No no no, yeah.
- I can't fit in that
- You can fit, you can fit, just try it.
- (grunting) Oh! - Just squeeze. Get (shouts)
(door latch clicks)
- I'm stuck I'm stuck.
(door latch clicks repeatedly)
- No, no, alright, it's okay.
- You can't fit in here with me.
- Yeah, I know I can't. You're just very large.
- [Santa] I know, I know. I see it every day
when I look in the mirror, Preston.
- [Nick] Wow, Preston. Are you giving Santa Claus
this really emotional breakdown right now?
- I'm not trying to. -[Santa] I can't even -
I don't even want to think about it, Preston.
- It's okay, Santa. It's okay, you're just -
- It's not, I'm so fat (sobs)
(sharp, alarming chord)
- [Nick] Oh, uh, what are we going to do here?
Preston, how are we going make this -?
(screaming)
-[Nick] I'm just an elf, an elf on the shelf, it's alright.
- [Nick] Oh, okay, okay he's gone.
- Santa, stay where you are. Don't move, Santa. Don't move.
- [Santa] Alright (grunts)
- Santa, get back - no, Santa.
- [Nick] Santa, you should probably move.
- Santa you have, you have to run, Santa. You have to run.
- [Santa] I have to run? We were just talking
about how fat I am - I can't...
- Yeah, you've exposed yourself
- [Nick] (sing-songy voice) Preston. Hi.
See me waving, way over here? Hi.
- [Santa] (grunting) Run, run Preston. (grunting) Run.
- Santa. (laughing) Oh my (sighs).
- [Nick] You're not very fast.
I'm just going to go after Santa first, Preston.
- [Santa] I can't help you, Preston.
- Santa please, don't become an elf.
- [Santa] No, I can't. - No!
- [Nick] Come here, Santa Claus.
- No!
- [Santa] No, no, no god. I don't want to be an elf.
I don't want to be an elf.
- [Nick] Uh-oh. Oh? He's not an elf.
I guess Santa is immune to magic.
- I mean, he kind of is magic himself
- [Santa] Oh, Preston, I'm sorry
to do this to you, buddy. But, you know
those comments about me were not,
they weren't okay - or, kosher, I should say.
- (banging on table) I was just about to say that.
- [Santa] - Uh, ha-ho, beat you to it.
- Gosh dangit.
- [Nick] Hey, Preston, you know what's
a really cool part of Hide n Seek?
- What?
- The part where you shift
so I can't see your nametag.
- Dang-it. (bangs on table)
- Uh, see, ya it's really tough when you don't do that.
- I thought the Hide Name fixed that.
I didn't know you had to shift as well.
- [Nick] Well, see you know, it's all gone now,
it's all gone. I could see your nametag.
- I was always wondering how you guys found me.
Now I know your secrets.
- [Nick] The secret is, it's really easy.
(sad trombone)
-[Santa] Oh boy.
-[Nick] Ooh, ooh you look like a very, very angry little elf.
- Don't, don't patronize me, Nick.
-[Santa] Nick, Nick, I don't know if you're aware of this.
We gotta run, buddy.
-[Nick] Oh, okay right. -Get out of here.
- [Nick] Uh, Santa, you know, just for contingency's sake
um, you're gonna be on your own for this one, there.
- [Santa] I'm gonna what, now?
- Don't take this easy on me.
I want this to be a full-length,
five minute Hide n Seek.
- [Nick] Oh don't you worry, Preston, it will be.
- Hide like you've never hid before.
- [Santa] I'm gonna try, but uh, oh boy.
- I already heard. I heard Santa
(sleigh bells)
Oh, Santa. -[Nick] Oh, you didn't hear me.
-[Santa] (grunting) Oh, it's so hard to climb on these blocks of ice.
- Oh my gosh. Alright Nick, it's pretty much
just you and I right now. Santa is gone.
He's doing his own thing right now.
- [Nick] I'm not really too sure
what you're talking about, Preston.
I'm not coming out, it's just not happening.
(door latch clicks twice)
- Now, Nick, I know that you helped the elves
create this map. I'm not a stranger to that.
- [Santa] Be careful, Preston, he's going
to be angry, the elves are really upset.
- Well you know what? (door latch clicks)
They need to increase their quality a little bit more.
I gotta say, they're kind of slacking.
- [Santa] I know, I know, but you know.
They bidded for the union and they lost,
so they're pretty upset, Preston.
- That's unforuante, but I can't really help
with that, Santa - [Santa] Oh, boy.
- I'm not really involved in North Pole politics.
You know that.
- [Santa] Uh, well, I try not to be.
But I don't have much of a choice. Trust me.
- I mean, you're Santa, you kinda have to be.
- [Santa] Why do you think I have this gray beard?
Ho! Ho! (laughing)
- Aging really fast, Santa. (door latch clicks)
How old are you, actually? - [Santa] Yup, yup. Too old.
- Too old? - [Santa] - to answer that.
- [Nick] Preston, it's not polite
to ask a woman her age.
- [Santa] Whoa. - Okay, well, Santa
is not a woman. No, that is not Mrs. Claus.
- [Santa] No, no I'm not. That's a low blow.
- [Nick] I'm sorry, Santa. I just wanted you
to get really upset and come outside
and get caught, and then I wouldn't have to -
you know, then I would win.
- [Santa] That's all?
- [Nick] That's all. That's all I wanted.
- Where's Mrs. Claus?
- [Santa] Mrs. Claus takes care of filing in another state.
- Oh, wow. Another state?
- [Santa] Yeah, trust me. I'm doing all the work here.
I can't be dealing with all that.
- You're really making Mrs. Claus work.
- [Nick] Aw, so Mrs. Claus - does she live in Florida?
- [Santa] I do have a summer home in Florida.
But yeah. She lives in Boise. Idaho.
- [Nick] I dunno. I'm not exactly -
- [Santa] She loves potatoes, and she did not
find that funny, when I sent her there.
- [Nick] Uh, Preston, you know that there
is only like three minutes left.
- That's a very relative term, my friend. Okay?
- [Nick] Well, yeah. That's why I said it.
- So, only is it very relative if -
(inhales sharply) Is this a God spot?
- [Nick] Did you find a God spot?
- [Santa] Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- I found it. Well, I mean it doesn't matter
because I'm the Seeker, but I think I found -
(footsteps)
Okay, Santa look, I can't deal with you anymore.
Look, come here. - [Santa] No, no no.
- Now, Santa, you can't run - [Santa] Listen.
I have been working night and day.
Give me something here, buddy.
- Look if anything, this will put you at rest.
There you go Santa.
- [Santa] Let's just talk. No! (Punching)
Alright. - See?
- [Santa] Well, let's find your friend.
Because I've got to get back to making toys.
- [Nick] There's no need for this, there's no need.
Preston - - [Santa] I have a whole team
of lawyer elves just because I'm using -
(rain falling)
Uh-ho, whoa!
- Wow! Rain storm. - [Santa] Oh boy.
Yeah, this is part of climate change, I think.
Guys, it should be snowing right now. Ugh.
- Are we even in the North Pole?
- [Santa] Yeah.
- This looks like the South Pole to me.
- [Santa] No, no no. It's -
Whoa, give it a minute, weather changes like that, uh?
- Mm-hm, just like that.
- [Nick] This is the North Pole.
This is where, you know, magic happens.
- This is more like Texas weather.
- [Santa] Rain isn't magic. And right now I'm going
to find a memory of finding you, Nick. Ho, boy.
- I don't know, Nick is kind of
kicking our butt right now, Santa.
We're not doing a very good job to find him.
- [Santa] - I know. I know he is.
- [Nick] And Preston, do you remember
how I said there was only three minutes left?
Well now, there's only a minute and thirty seconds left.
So, that's half. - Where did he go?
- [Santa] Oh, look who knows how time works.
Well, guess what Nick? - [Nick] Me!
- [Santa] Yup, I'm gonna find you.
- Congratulations, Nick. Congratulations.
- [Nick] Thank you. Not enough people appreciate me.
- I'm gonna ask for a hint.
- [Nick] Okay. A hint? - [Santa] A little one.
- Are you outside of the map?
- [Nick] No, I am not outside of the map, Preston.
- [Santa] That would be cheating.
- [Nick] I will tell you a little tiny little hint, okay?
The tiniest of hints, okay? (door latch clicks)
I am, if I had to tell you where.
- [Santa] These reindeer aren't looking good.
- They're underfed. They're underfed.
- [Santa] Oh, yeah, I know.
- [Nick] I'm not near the reindeer.
I am in the workshop. (keyboard clicking)
- [Santa] Uh-oh.
- No way. - [Nick] you don't know where.
- [Santa] Listen you can't touch those tools.
You're not paying dues, so..
- [Nick] I know exactly what I'm doing here.
I'm building presents - - [Santa] No you do not.
- [Nick] Look, it's very easy to build an iPhone.
I don't know why everyone complains, it's super simple.
- (inhales sharply)
- [Nick] Preston don't go down there. Don't go down there.
- [Santa] Oh. Oh. I see how this is.
- [Nick] (giggles) I'm nowhere to be seen.
(bell dings)
- How does he know? How does he know?
- [Santa] Where is he? Come on.
- Santa. Santa, will you go check this corner over here?
This, look, right here: this way. This way.
- [Nick] Hm-mm, Hm-mm - I think I see something.
- [Nick] Naw - [Santa] Oh! Ha ha.
- [Nick] Oh, no Preston, no. - Naughty. Yes.
(bell dings) (sighing)
- Nick, your tip was too strong, man.
-[Nick] Alright, well, look. I mean,
since you guys are already here,
what kind of toy do you want me to make you?
- (inhales sharply) Ooh, oh you know what I want.
-[Santa] Yeah, I don't know, it's been so long,
that I don't even know. -[Nick] Okay, Preston.
Hang on. Let me make this. Just grab a hammer
from back here. Back room.
-[Santa] Listen you make sure you put those tools
in the right place though, buddy.
- Oh my god, what is he doing? What was that?
- It's a toy cactus.
(cheers)
- Oh, that's fun. Oh, I took him, apparently.
-[Nick] Now Santa, you can't steal toys,
that's kind of the opposite of what you do.
-[Santa] No, no you're right. You know what?
Here. You like cactus? Here you go.
-[Nick] Oh my gosh.
-[Santa] Everybody have some cactus.
-[Nick] Why did I make so much cactus?
-[Santa] Yeah, I don't know, but you just used
a lot of stuff to make it, buddy.
- That's gonna cost a lot of money, Nick. You know that.
-[Santa] Yup. Yup. You want to help out
with my inventory there, pal?
-[Nick] Oh, look. It's alright, it's alright.
Look, this will double off as a snack for the ride home.
- You can't eat it!
-[Nick] Speaking of which, can we drive your sleigh home?
- You eat cacti? I don't even - No.
-[Santa] No, no no no no, no. -[Nick] You can't eat cactus.
That's because you don't have the right attitude, Preston
- What?
-[Santa] I just gave that sleigh a tune-up.
-[Nick] No we're just going to borrow it, real quick.
It'll be real simple.
- Real fast, Santa. -[Santa] No. You can't, Nick.
-[Nick] Super fast. Like, you won't even understand.
- It's okay, it's okay, Santa.
-[Santa] Preston, no no no.
(upbeat music)
- Thanks, Santa, you've been great.
-[Nick] Uh, Preston, you did a real terrible wall. Let's just go.
- How did he get -? Oh.
-[Nick] Let's just go, come on, Preston.
-[Santa] That block. That's the block.
- (laughing) We're just going to ignore that fact.
That never happened.
-[Santa] No come back - [Nick] Dasher, Dancer, uh
- [Santa] No, that's not either of them.
- [Nick] I can't remember the rest of the names.
- No no no no. Santa, look. Santa Santa Santa Santa.
Look, look, look. (squishing sound)
No. Just no. (laughing)
- [Nick] You killed Santa?
- Well, I mean temporarily. He's invulnerable.
He doesn't really die. - [Santa] I can't feel.
I can't feel anything. Ho, ho, come on, Preston.
- Santa?
- [Santa] Hello?
(upbeat music)
- I'm sorry Santa. Well, if any of you guys
and gals don't get Christmas presents this year -
- [Santa] Blame Preston.
- I didn't mean to kill you, Santa. Permanently.
- [Santa] Ho ho ho. Seriously, bring me back, Preston.