( APPLAUSE )
WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN YOU KNOW
FROM HIS NETFLIX SPECIALS AND COMEDY PODCASTS.
HE HAS JUST WRITTEN A NEW BOOK, "I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE,
PLEASE."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TOM SEGURA!
♪ ♪ ♪
HI.
>> Stephen: HOW YOU DOING?
>> I'M DOING WELL.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FOR A FEW YEARS.
YOU WERE HERE THREE, FOUR YEARS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I TRULY ENJOYED IT, AND I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
YOU TO COME BACK.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: NOW YOU'VE GOT THE BOOK RIGHT HERE.
"I'D LIKE TO PLAY ALONE, PLEASE."
THERE YOU GO.
FIRST OF ALL,-- AND THIS IS NOT ON-- THIS IS NOT A QUESTION ON
ANY OF THE CARDS.
YOU CAN CHECK.
YOU LOOK HEALTHY.
>> THANKS!
THANKS!
>> Stephen: IS THAT A PLAN?
>> YEAH, I'M TRYING TO BE LESS FAT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
SO YOUR FIRST NETFLIX SPECIAL-- I'VE SEEN ALL OF THEM NOW.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M KIND OF OBSESSED WITH YOUR WORK.
YOUR FIRST NETFLIX SPECIAL AIRED IN 2014 WHEN NETFLIX WASN'T THE
BIG COMEDY DEAL IT IS NOW.
WERE YOU EXCITED TO GET IT?
>> NO.
THAT-- LIKE, THE MOUNTAINTOP THEN IF YOU WERE A WORKING ROAD
GUY LIKE ME WAS COMEDY CENTRAL.
THAT WAS-- THAT WAS-- THAT'S WHERE YOU WANTED TO BE, YOU
KNOW.
AND, LIKE, YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, I THINK IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU
THERE.
BUT-- SO WE SHOT IT AND WE SENT IT TO THEM.
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "PLEASE SY YES."
I HAD DONE OTHER THINGS ON THE NETWORK.
AND THEY PASSED.
THEY SAID NO.
I GOT THE CALL.
THEY SAID THERE'S NO THEME TO THE HOUR.
AND I WAS LIKE, THE THEME IS JOKES.
LIKE, THAT'S-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE THEME?
I'M NOT TRYING TO GET MY DOCTORATE.
THIS IS JUST AN HOUR SPECIAL.
( LAUGHTER )
PULLED OVER IN L.A., AND MY MANAGER GOES, "BUT YOU KNOW WHO
WANTS TO ACQUIRE IT?" THIS IS 2013, THE YEAR BEFORE IT
AIRS.
"NETFLIX."
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, REALLY?" AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH."
LIKE TO MAIL THE DVDs IN?
BECAUSE THAT'S YOU WERE -- >> Stephen: RIGHT, YEAH.
>> HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, BUT THEY'RE GETTING INTO STREAMING."
I'M LIKE THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK, DUDE.
IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
HE WAS LIKE, WELL, THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO SAID YES."
AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
AND IT WAS JUST KIND OF LIKE-- I JUST KIND OF-- I HONESTLY FORGOT
ABOUT IT.
AND THEN IT AIRED.
I DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF IT.
AND, LIKE, THREE MONTHS LATER, WE'RE SELLING SOME TICKETS, AND
THEN BY SIX MONTHS LATER, WE'RE JUST SELLING OUT SHOWS, ADDING
SHOWS.
IT ALL TOOK OFF FROM THAT.
.>> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND THERE'S A WARDROBE PERK FOR
NETFLIX.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THIS PROP I HAVE BACK HERE.
>> OKAY, SO, WITH EACH SPECIAL YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU SHOULD ASK FOR
MORE."
WITH THE LAST ONE, THE FOURTH ONE, I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, I
SHOULD TRY TO LIKE I DON'T KNOW, TRY TO LOOK-- LOOK GOOD.
SO I-- I CALLED-- I HIRED A STYLIST, SETH CHERNOFF-- SORRY I
DIDN'T CALL YOU ABOUT TODAY.
I PUT THIS TOGETHER.
BUT I CALLED HIM AND HE CAME OVER WITH ALL THESE LIKE COOL
JACKETS BECAUSE I WANTED TO WEAR A JACKET IN THE SPECIAL.
HE HAS ALL THESE JACKETS.
SOME WERE-- AND I PUT ON THIS ONE AND I'M LIKE, "MAN, THIS IS
AWESOME.
THIS FEELS LIKE A GLOVE."
HE SAID, "YEAH, IT'S $5,000."
AND I GO, "I'M NOT-- I'M NOT BUYING THAT, DUDE."
HE'S LIKE, "DO YOU THINK NETFLIX WOULD BUY IT?"
AND I'M LIKE, "MAYBE."
ALSO, IT'S OLIVE AND WE WANT IT TO BE BLUE, RIGHT.
SO WE CALL NETFLIX, AND THEY'RE LIKE, OKAY.
THEY SIGN OFF ON IT.
I'M LIKE REALLY.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS.
WHY DO YOU NEED IT?
I'M LIKE, "BECAUSE IT FITS NICE SM GLCHMENT BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.
>> YEAH, IT'S FUNNY.
I'M LIKE NOW WE NEED IT TO BE BLUE.
SO HE CALLS THE PEOPLE THAT MADE IT IN ITALY, HE CALLS THEM, AND
HE'S LIKE, "CAN YOU MAKE THIS IN BLUE?"
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT WILL TAKE FOUR MONTHS."
AND HE SAID, "WE HAVE TWO WEEKS."
WE HAVE AN OLIVE JACKET WE PURCHASED FOR $5,000 BUT WE NEED
IT TO BE BLUE.
HE'S LIKE I KNOW THE BEST DYE PERSON IN L.A. AND THEY'LL DO AN
AMAZING JOB.
THEY'RE BYE THE LEATHER.
THEY DYE IT BLUE.
IT LOOKS GREAT.
AND, LIKE, A WEEK BEFORE THIS-- I'M SUPPOSED TO TAPE.
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO WEAR IT."
AND HE'S LIKE, "WHY?" I SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE
THE LEATHER GUY, LIKE OH!
I FEEL LIKE IT'S A CHARACTER.
I WEAR LEATHER."
I START TO FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT.
I SAID I'M NOT WEARING IT.
HE SAID WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR?
AND I SAID I HAVE A JACKET IN MY CLOSET.
AND NETFLIX IS LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT THE 5 G'S WE DROP?"
I HAVE NEVER WORN IT.
>> Stephen: YOU BROUGHT IT.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A REALLY BEAUTIFUL-- MAY I TRY IT ON?
>> I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TRY IT ON.
PLEASE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE THE SAME SIZE.
YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: NOT REALLY, NOT REALLY.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
>> OH, DUDE.
>> Stephen: OH, MAN!
( APPLAUSE )
>> I THINK I WORE IT ONCE.
IT WAS DURING THE PANDEMIC.
>> Stephen: THIS IS REALLY NICE, MAN.
>> YOU LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> YOU WANT IT?
>> Stephen: 50 BUCKS.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> THAT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.
>> Stephen: IT REALLY DOES LOOK GOOD ON ME.
I CAN SEE, THIS JIM?
OH, WOW.
( APPLAUSE )
WOW.
>> THAT LOOKS GOOD.
>> Stephen: I RARELY GET WARDROBE OUT OF THESE.
OKAY, LET'S JUST KEEP THIS ON FOR A SECOND, KEEP MOVING HERE.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: FATHER'S DAY,.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: FATHER'S DAY IS COMING UP THIS SUNDAY.
YOU HAVE-- >> TWO BOS.
>> Stephen: DOS.
>> DOS, YES, YES.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THEY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND IF I ASK?
>> SIX AND THREE.
>> Stephen: SIX AND THREE, FANTASTIC AGE.
>> THEY'RE REALLY CUTE.
>> Stephen: SIX IS JUST ABOUT PERFECT AND THREE WILL GET
THERE.
FATHER'S DAY ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT?
>> WE'LL SEE.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GET ANYTHING?
DOES YOUR WIFE, LIKE, BREAKFAST IN BED?
>> SOMETIMES.
THAT STUFF HAPPENS.
AND THEY'LL GET ME SOMETHING THAT I WAS LIKE, "HERE, I JUST
BOUGHT THIS.
I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU, NOW YOU GIVE IT TO ME," LIKE THAT KIND
OF THING.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: BEING A DAD IS WONDERFUL.
>> IT'S THE BEST!
>> Stephen: IT'S DIFFICULT.
IT'S A CHALLENGE.
>> A LOT OF WORK.
>> Stephen: A CHALLENGE AT ALL TIMES BUT BEAUTIFUL EVEN WHEN
IT'S HARD.
>> YES, YES.
THE THREE-YEAR-OLD IS ON THIS THING NOW WHERE HE REFUSES TO GO
BY HIS NAME.
HIS NAME IS JULIAN AND EVERY DAY HE INSISTS ON YOU CALLING HIM
"SIR."
SO...
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT LIKE A BIT FOR, LIKE, THE AFTER.
IT'S LIKE "GOOD MORNING, JULIAN."
AND IT'S "YOU CALL ME SIR."
AND I HAVE TO BE, SIR, WILL YOU PLEASE EAT, SIR?
WILL YOU GO TO BED, SIR?" IF YOU DON'T CALL HIM "SIR,"
IT'S A HUGE TANTRUM.
SO WE'VE JUST GIVEN IN TO "SIR."
>> Stephen: IS HIS OLDER BROTHER PLAYING THAT GAME?
>> OH, YEAH.
HIS OLDER BROTHER IS LIKE, "SIR IS IN THE BATH RIGHT NOW."
( LAUGHTER )
HIS NAME ONE DAY.
AND THEN-- AND THE SIX-YEAR-OLD-- MAN, HE'S
REFUSING TO WIPE HIS ASS.
LIKE, REFUSING, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LITTLE OLD.
>> I'M LIKE BRO.
HE'S LIKE, "I POOPED."
AND I'M LIKE, "BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE SECOND PART NOW."
I GO IN THERE AND I'M LIKE YOU REALLY HAVE TO GET-- YOU HAVE TO
WIPE YOURSELF."
AND HE SAYS, "I WANT TO WAIT UNTIL I'M TALLER."
AND I'M LIKE--
I GO "HOW TALL DO YOU WANT TO BE?"
AND HE GOES, "18."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GOING-- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT
UNTIL HE'S 18.
>> NO!
16, I'M NOT GIVING HIMAISE CAR IF HE'S NOT WIPING HIS ASS.
IT'S A DEAL, MAN.
>> Stephen: WELL, TOM SEGURA, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU STOPPING BY.
( APPLAUSE )
PLEASE."
IT'S TOM SEGURA, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪