Hey, it's me Conan O'Brien.
I'm very excited to welcome the fabulous Nicole Byer
to the podcast family,
her show, "Why Won't You Date Me?" is joining Team Coco.
We're so thrilled to have her.
Nicole, for those who maybe are not familiar
with the Nicole Byer vibe,
how would you describe your show?
I guess I would describe it as one woman's quest
to figure out why is she still single?
Even though she's stunning,
she dresses well,
her skin is very supple and warm
and has nice undertones
and she sucks a mean dick.
It's pretty explicit.
I love talking about sex.
(laughing)
But listen, Conan,
I want to learn about your-
No, I just left my body.
I left my body, so my body's here,
but Conan's in another room right now
and he's just filled with shame.
Well, Conan, come back in the room.
'Cause I want to learn about your dating history.
(laughing)
Okay.
Have you got eight seconds?
I do.
[Conan] Okay. I do have eight seconds.
I even have a little less time if you need a little less,
I have seven seconds for ya,
but have you ever heard of Never Have I Ever?
No.
I don't know that.
Okay, so you have to hold up five fingies
and then we say things that we've never done.
And when you've done it, you put a finger down.
So I will go first.
Oh God, this isn't gonna go well.
Never have I ever dated two people at once.
And if you've done it, you put a finger down.
So I have to put a finger down.
'Cause I've dated two people at once.
You've never dated two people at once?
I don't think so.
I was always super uptight about that.
I don't think I've done that. Wow.
Yeah. I was always into the rules.
No, no that's breaking the rules.
I don't think so.
Unless... Define dating.
No, let's not even get into that.
I'm going to say no, I haven't.
Okay, now you have to ask the question.
Okay, have you-
You just say never have I ever, that's the game.
Oh, I say never, got it.
I'm not good at games.
Oh wait, did I just do it wrong?
Is it something that I haven't done?
So you said never have I ever dated two people at once
but you have But I have dated.
so you put a finger down.
We're the worst at this.
I'm gonna make this go faster.
Never, ever I ever had sex
with someone wearing a scuba outfit.
Okay, listen, I have,
and it was me in the scuba outfit
because there's a material called scuba material.
So it's not like- What? Is this true?
Is this really?
It's not like an actual scuba suit.
It's just like thick material.
But why would you wear that during sex?
Let's take the hands out of this.
Let's just say never have I ever
because this is a good conversation without the hands.
Because sometimes your clothes stay on when you have sex.
Sometimes it's like, I have to, it has to happen right now.
And then your dress doesn't fully come off.
Or you're leaving and you put your clothes back on.
And then you're like- So you're wearing
like scuba material?
(laughing)
It's it's not like scuba suit material
but it's like this heavy material.
I can't really describe it to you
other than like it's a weird heavy material.
Okay.
But it's not really what you're thinking.
It's not like scuba gear where it's like skin tight.
Okay, I'm still not getting turned on by this.
Like there's too much- Okay.
Well, have you ever gone commando?
Yes. I've gone commando.
I've never,
I wear underwear at all times.
I have occasionally not worn underwear,
I've regretted it.
'Cause let's just say there's a lot going on down there
and- Okay.
Big balls?
No, actually no.
One ball that's very long.
Oh.
Almost rectangular.
I like it.
Yeah. It's very strange.
I'm a medical anomaly.
I've been studied by The New England Journal of Medicine.
They said it's technically not a penis
but they're still fascinated by it.
(laughing)
Have you ever used...
I've read about this once.
It was LL Cool J,
once was giving an interview and he said during it
there was once like during a concert backstage
he poured like oil out...
He put down plastic bags, put oil all over the place
and he and this woman just slipped all around
having sex in oil and trash bags.
And I don't know why that's still in my mind.
But is that something people do?
I've never done it.
I've never laid down a tarp of trash bags
and squeeze baby oil [Conan] Yes.
everywhere.
That's too messy.
It felt like, yeah.
It felt like he was preparing to murder someone.
(laughing) It felt like Goodfellas.
He put a whole bunch of tarps,
whenever you're putting tarps down,
I think you need to be killing someone in the mob.
I agree.
That's what you need to be doing.
Yeah, I've never done that.
I don't want to do that.
That honestly it seems like a safety hazard,
a safety concern, but moisturizing for your skin.
Have you ever joined the mile high club?
No, I've never (beep) in an airplane bathroom,
one, because how disgusting.
They don't clean planes, that's nasty.
Also they're so small.
I'm a big gal.
We wouldn't be able to do it.
We'd (beep) right out
and land on the person in the last row.
And that's not something they need.
The last row doesn't even recline.
I think it's much cooler to do it on an Amtrak train.
I think if you can do it on an Amtrak train
during a major commuting hour
and you can use the overhead compartment,
you know that rack,
that would impress me.
When people say I'm in the mile high club,
I think (beep) you.
When you tell me that you did it on an Amtrak train
on the luggage rack,
it was in a major corridor.
And I don't mean that to be wordplay,
it's between Boston and Philadelphia.
Tell me you did that
and I will be impressed.
I would do that.
I would (beep) on a train, choo choo.
And that's what I would say when I (beep).
I'm cutting it off right here.
Okay.
(laughing)
Okay.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
Okay, yeah.
That was illuminating?
Yeah.
Next time I'm in a train
and I hear your voice say choo choo,
I'll know what's going on.
You can learn so much talking to Nicole
or hearing Nicole talk to just about anybody
because it's not like any other conversation
you're going to be hearing.
Trust me, trust me on this.
You can hear more of Nicole Byer
by subscribing to "Why Won't You Date Me?"
wherever you get your podcasts.
Don't be a fool.
Get Nicole Byer in your life.
[Nicole] Yes.