We are back in the "Roast Battle" arena!
Motherfuckers, give it up for our deejay, Coach Tea!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Our first roaster is one of the most beloved comics
on the New York scene.
Before that, he worked in customer service,
so he's used to being berated.
Give it up for the high-pitched hit man, Joe Machi!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
♪ He's on fire ♪
His opponent is also his best friend and podcast co-host.
He's the deep voice to Joe's sweet voice.
He's a class act with a hairy back.
Make it loud and gravelly for Sam Morill!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Yes.
This looks like two used-car salesman about to get fired.
[ Laughter ]
Jeff, you look like a rap group's first manager.
[ Laughter ]
-Here we go! -Yeah.
That's the kind of New York energy
we need to bring to this show tonight.
I love both of these guys.
They're best buddies. They do a podcast together.
Neither of them have ever seen a clit.
[ Laughter ]
That's not true. I've seen your nose.
Yeah!
Saudi Prince, they're both
from your favorite city, New York City.
I haven't been to New York since September 10th.
[ Laughter ]
But...
Who is that? Robert Pattinson with an extra chromosome
It's fair.
...a more feminine Lena Dunham or...?
I think these two veterans know the rules.
-Who wants to go first? -I'll go first.
Are we ready for this?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bert, Ernie, let's roast!
[ Bell dings ]
Joe looks like the type of guy that would say "fudge"
instead of "fuck."
He also looks like the type of guy
who would eat fudge instead of fuck.
[ Laughter ]
He's right. I enjoy fudge.
Sam once tweeted that the worst thing you can say
about a comedian onstage is that he's a nice person.
That's not true.
When Sam's onstage, I say he's a terrible person,
he's not funny, and I hope he dies slowly.
[ Laughter ]
That was a good one, Spaz Bono.
I remember when I first met Joe.
It was right after Geppetto turned him into a real boy,
and...
[ Laughter ]
[ Siren wailing ]
Sam's allergic to Ibuprofen.
It's his kryptonite.
That's not the only thing he has in common in with Superman.
Both of their fathers abandoned them.
[ Laughter ]
Joe, you look like Pee Wee Herman
if his big adventure was going to Dunkin' Donuts.
[ Laughter ]
[ Glass shattering ]
I could stand to lose a few pounds.
[ Laughter ]
Did you know that Sam suffers from terrible ADD?
It's actually a blessing, though.
He can't focus on his upbringing,
his love life, and his career.
[ Laughter ]
Joe, look at that belly.
You put the burgers in Aspergers.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Sam used to tutor young children for money,
but their books had words he'd never seen before,
like "taste."
[ Laughter ]
Brian: Last joke!
It's hard for Joe to be mean
'cause he's a good devout Catholic, you know?
Joe is so Catholic that he actually looks
like a pregnant virgin.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Comedy Central gave Sam an hour special.
They'll do anything to make "The Daily Show" look funny.
[ Laughter ]
For Same to get laughs, it'll have to be an hour of him
trying to lift weights.
[ Bell dings ]
You just saw Morril and Machi talk smacky.
Jeff, who's New York's finest?
It was hilariously funny.
I love when best friends battle,
'cause, for me, roasting really is about love.
-Yes. -You know, this was so much fun
for me because, Joe, you're a fantastic comedian.
You have no business roasting anyone.
Like, it is so far out of your comfort zone,
out of the realm of possibility.
You should be on the cover of a "Goosebumps" novel,
not making fun of people.
And, Sam, I don't even think you should be a comedian.
So this was, like --
I was blown away by what I saw tonight.
Really showed it up.
Joe, you did the best that you could have possibly done.
Maybe even a little bit better than even your mother
would have hoped for tonight.
But, Sam, all of your jokes were killer,
and, Joe, none of yours were, so...
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna flip the coin, and it's coming up Sam.
Congratulations, Sam.
-One vote for Sam. -Yes.
Nikki?
I mean, I love both these guys so much.
I thought you were truly yourselves up there.
Joe, this is out of your comfort zone,
and you put me out of my comfort zone
because it was so uncomfortable watching you.
No, you were great. I love the way you just go...
after every horrible thing you say.
And you ended some of those jokes with,
like, really dark shit,
'cause you're a dark guy even though you're so cheery.
I know that there's a deep sadness within you.
I do, and that's why I'm giving you the win,
'cause I don't want you to pull a Bourdain later tonight, so...
[ Audience groans ]
Did you guys not know he killed himself?
That's what I'm saying.
So I'm giving Joe Machi the win
'cause I did think that you brought it,
but I just think you need this.
Look how happy you made this man.
Joe, I don't know.
You're like a -- a cult leader's son
trying to assimilate back into society.
[ Laughter ]
Not sure what you're about and what makes you work,
but I find you a lot of fun, especially at "Roast Battle."
I disagree with Anthony.
I do think you should keep roasting
because not only do you take the jokes,
but you're like a good target.
Yeah, Joe, by all means,
keep doing this to yourself.
[ Laughter ]
Sam, I mean, you've done this a bunch of times now.
You're a great stand-up.
This seems effortless for you when you're up there.
That pregnant virgin joke should go down in history
between you two.
That was totally hilarious.
And, congratulations.
All right.
Your winner, Sam Morill!
Hug each other!