-These days it seems like each news headline
is worse than the last,
but every once in a while, there's a story
that doesn't make you want to crawl under your covers.
And we like to tell you about one of them in a segment
called "The kind of story we need right now."
You're probably thinking, "I've heard enough dramatic
news stories this year to last me a lifetime.
I don't need another one."
But you might want to take a minute to hear this.
-At a Kansas Home Depot, police responded to reports
of a bomb threat at the store in Wichita.
A customer alerted employees a man inside the bathroom
said there was a bomb in the building.
Police were able to locate the man responsible for those
comments and that man told police he warned other guests
to leave the restroom because he was, "Fixing to blow it up,"
but had no intention of causing a panic.
The man also told police others in the room laughed,
understanding his joke, which I'm just now getting.
-This is the kind of story we need right now.
The news is filled with stories about someone calling 911
unnecessarily to abuse their white privilege.
Finally a story about someone calling 911 unnecessarily
because they misunderstood someone who was taking a dump.
Not only were the police called, because a bomb threat
is a very serious matter, they had to go to Home Depot,
conduct an investigation and interview witnesses.
Imagine being the police officer who had to take those statements
with a straight face.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
And did the suspect say how big a bomb he planned to drop?
One eyewitness told police that he laughed when he heard
the suspect's comments because he understood that the man,
"Was in a serious need to defecate,
and that he was attempting to provide a polite warning
to the other patrons of the bathroom."
That's an actual quote from an actual police report.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. You know what?
I might just change that word to defecate for the report.
But by the time police were done with their investigation,
the man had left the store, so they had to go track him down.
Imagine taking a dump so big
it ends with you getting pulled over.
"Officer, I don't even have kids.
How could I drop them off at the pool?
This is the kind of story we need right now.
Every news story these days takes an insane left turn,
but it's always a turn for the worse.
Even the stories that start out nice end badly.
Aww, bear cub wandered into a family swimming pool.
And then ate their grandma?
And then endorsed trump?"
What a delight to hear a story that starts out terrible
and then gets great.
Frankly, it's also a delight to hear a story
about good manners in a men's room.
Usually the most polite thing that happens in a men's room
is someone capitalizes the name of the person
they're writing graffiti about.
This new level of consideration is good news, in my book.
And speaking of news, can we just take a moment
to imagine what it must feel like to be this anchor?
One minute you're fresh out of journalism school,
then years later, you're on television saying this.
-He was, "Fixing to blow it up."
-But at least she could rely on her co-anchor
to handle this story like a pro.
-To Ethan now, please.
-No.
[ Laughter ]
No, we're going to get it. We're going to get it.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, live your life, Ethan!
You don't have to pretend that's not hilarious.
Sure, the community's counting on you but laugh it up.
These anchors, by the way, are no strangers
to hard-hitting news stories.
After all, this is the same team
that two years ago brought us this.
-Police officers in Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
were asking people to be on the lookout for a man
who robbed a store, and I think -- yeah.
I think -- we do -- we do have his description.
Can we take that? Let's take his description.
Okay. This is the guy.
They're -- they want -- they wanted people in Pennsylvania
to be out on the lookout for.
He's got -- he's got a nose and some hair that goes like that.
Oh, and now I'm getting word that police
actually caught this guy.
Thanks to the sketch, no doubt.
And I say, give that sketch artist a raise.
-What is this town?
Just a bunch of stick figures walking around taking dumps?
Also, Ethan was having his fun there, he was clowning.
God love you, Ethan. Life is stressful these days.
Most of us spend every waking minute worrying about
a pandemic, so it's a delight to take a one-minute break
to worry instead about someone dropping a bomb.
-Which I'm just now getting.
-So, thank you to the man in that bathroom,
and thank you to the KY3 news team,
because this is the kind of story we need right now.