HEY, YOU KNOW, JON, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT EVER SINCE I WAS A
LITTLE KID I WANT TO GO TO SPACE AND I AM ONE LUCKY LITTLE BOY,
BECAUSE RECENTLY THE FOLKS AT NASA OFFERED TO LET ME TEST
DRIVE THE PROTOTYPE OF THEIR NEW MARS ROVER BEFORE THEY SEND IT
TO MARS, THEY WANT TO SEE IF IT CAN WITHSTAND NEW YORK'S
INHOSPITABLE ATMOSPHERE OF URINE BASED HUMIDITY.
AND THE ROVER SEATS TWO, SOY INVITED MY FRIEND ASTROPHYSICIST
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON BECAUSE IN THAT GUY KNOWS A LOT ABOUT MARS
AND WAS ALSO WILLING TO PITCH IN FOR GAS.
JIM?
>> NEIL!
, HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU, HEY, HEY.
>> THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
>> GOOD, WHERE IS THE ROVER?
>> PARKED AROUND HERE SOME PLACE I GOT THE KEY FOB RIGHT HERE.
OH, THERE YOU GO.
THERE IT IS.
>> COOL.
>> Stephen: THIS LOOKS LIKE THE BAT MOBILE.
>> IT DOES >> Stephen: LOOK AT ALL THE
ANGELS.
YOU ADMIT, THIS IS BAD ASS, RIGHT?
>> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THIS THING.
OXYGEN CLAIM W OXYGEN CHAMBER SUPPLY LINE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE, CAN THAT'S A NICE REACTION, WHAT HAPPENS?
WELL, NITROUS OXIDE, THIS IS A FATHER BUS.
E WE WILL BE TRIPPING BALLS IN THIS THING.
>> Stephen: THIS ROVER'S A ROCKIN'.
>> SOMEONE IS ANALYZING ROCKS.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
WHAT-- DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD COLONIZE MARS?
>> I'M NOT-- I DON'T TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.
>> Stephen: WE SHOULD DEFINITELY COLONIZE MARS.
>> NO, HERE'S MY-- HERE'S MY POINT.
WHO'S GOING TO WANT TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE I DON'T SEE PEOPLE L-- I LINE UP TO COLONIZE ANTARCTICA
AND DON'T SEE PEOPLE LINED UP TO
COLONIZE ANTARCTICA.
AND LIKE I SAID, ANTARCTICA IS BALMIER AND WETTER THAN ANY
PLACE ON MARS.
AND NOBODY'S LINED UP TO COLONIZE ANTARCTICA.
>> Stephen: MATT DAMON-- MATT DAMON PROVED THAT ON MARS, YOU
CAN GROW POTATOES IN YOUR POOP.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN ANTARCTICA.
>> YEAH, POOP POTATOES CAN WORK.
>> Stephen: THEY CAN?
>> THAT-- THAT-- THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SCIENCE.
LET'S GET IN THE CAR.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT ON MARS OR ANYTHING,
DO YOU?
>> READY.
>> Stephen: I'M THE BATMAN, LET'S GO.
LET'S GO TO MARS.
FIGHT CRIME.
I FIGHT CRIME ON MARS.
>> I REFUSE TO BE ROBIN-- >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
DO I HAVE TO SAY, "BLAST OFF" BEFORE I START?
>> NO, 'CAUSE WE'RE STILL ON WHEELS.
BLAST IS A ROCKET-- YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO SAY IT ANYWAY.
BLAST OFF!
OH MY GOD.
HOLY COW.
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
DO YOU SEE-- DO YOU SEE-- >> YEAH, YOU'RE DOING--
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT SAY?
>> YOU'RE DOING THREE MILES-PER-HOUR OR LESS.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DO YOU SEE IT?
>> NO, I'M JUDGING HOW FAST THE...
>> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST JUDGING.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU JUST DOING THE MATH?
>> LOW SPEEDS.
YEAH, I CAN DO THE MATH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW?
>> I-- I COULD DO THE MATH.
>> Stephen: SCIENTISTS CALL THAT YANKING IT OUT OF YOUR BUTT.
IS WHAT THAT STAB WAS?
"YEAH, YOU'RE DOIN' THREE-- >> INSTEAD OF "THE FAST AND
FURIOUS," WE'RE "THE SLOW AND LUGUBRIOUS."
0 HOW MANY MILES AWAY IS GARZA?
>> WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHERE IT IS IN ITS ORBIT.
BUT WHEN IT'S AT ITS BEST TRAVEL DISTANCE, IT TAKES NINE MONTHS
TO GET THERE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
AT HOW FAST?
>> YOU'D BE GOING SEVEN TO TEN MILES PER SECOND.
>> Stephen: SEVEN TO TEN MILES PER SECOND.
THIS IS GOING FOUR MILES AN HOUR?
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO WE'LL HAVE TO FIT IN SOME BATHROOM BREAKS--
>> YOU'D BE DEAD BEFORE YOU GOT THERE.
CERTAIN TRAVEL IN SPACE IS-- >> Stephen: THAT'S THE THEORY.
>> INCOMMENSURATE WITH HUMAN PHYSIOLOGY AND LIFE EXPECTANCY.
>> Stephen: SAY THAT IN-- IN-- IN-- ENGLISH.
WHAT IS THAT?
>> THERE'S SOME TRIPS THROUGH SPACE-- TO DESTINATIONS THAT
TAKE LONGER THAN YOUR LIFE EXPECTANCY.
SO... ONE SOLUTION IS YOU JUST BRING A LOT OF FERTILE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> YEAH.
YOU HAVE TO GO WITH AN EXPRESS PURPOSE OF MAKING BABIES,
OTHERWISE-- >> Stephen: OKAY.
I GO EVERYWHERE WITH THE EXPECTED PURPOSE OF MAKING
BABIES.
WOULD BE GREAT TO PICK UP YOUR DATE IN THIS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
>> I THINK YOU CAN.
>> Stephen: "GET IN, BABY."
>> YOU CAN DATE ANYONE IN THIS.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
>> Stephen: OR NO ONE.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S-- >> ANY IN BETWEEN.
EVERYONE OR NO ONE IN THIS-- >> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING?
HEY, I AM DRIVING HERE I'M GOING TO BACK IT UP.
HIT IT.
>> BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
>> Stephen: LITTLE HIGHER.
>> BEEP, BEEP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT.
>> BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,
BEEP.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO WE NEED BEFORE WE GO TO MARS?
>> YOU NEED SUPPLIES.
>> Stephen: SUPPLIES?
>> YOU GOT TO-- YOU GOT TO-- LIVE FOR NINE MONTHS.
SO YOU NEED SOME WATER.
YOU NEED SOME HIGH-CALORIE FOOD.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
I'LL PULL OVER AT THIS DUANE REED RIGHT OVER HERE.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S GO.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.
>> Stephen: WE NEED SUPPLIES?
>> UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
NAH, I DON'T NEED ANY MAKEUP.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T?
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: AN EYEBROW PENCIL.
WHAT IF OUR EYEBROWS BURN OFF ON ENTRY IN THE MARTIAN ATMOSPHERE?
WE DON'T WANT TO LOOK SURPRISED ALL THE TIME.
YOU GOT TO DRAW THEM BACK ON, OKAY?
>> CORRECT, CORRECT.
>> Stephen: FAMILY PLANNING, NEIL.
>> OOH, NO, NO-- >> Stephen: FAMILY PLANNING.
>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO MARS, YOU WANT TO PROCREATE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF THE ALIENS CAPTURE ME AND TRY TO PLANT
THEIR BABIES IN ME?
>> 'CAUSE EVERY-- >> Stephen: IS THE AL-- IS THE
ALIEN-- >> WE KNOW-- WE KNOW ALIENS DO
THIS.
>> Stephen: PUT A JIMMY HAT ON THAT FACE HUGGER.
>> ALL RIGHT.
OH, MY GOD.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW-- DO THEY-- DO THE ALIENS NEED MAGNUMS?
>> Stephen: LET'S-- LET'S-- >> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: LET'S PLAY IT SO-- UH-HUH.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU SET IT-- YOU SET OFF THE MAGNUM ALARM.
I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT NEIL JUST BOUGHT MAGNUMS FOR THE--
>> NO, I JUST-- >> Stephen: ALIENS.
>> Stephen: BUT WE-- HOW LONG ARE WE GONNA BE IN THOSE SPACE
SUITS?
WE DON'T KNOW.
>> OH, I-- OH, YOU COULD BE IN A SPACE SUIT AND NOT BE ABLE TO
HAVE ACCESS.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, BECAUSE-- >> OKAY.
>> Stephen: YOU GOT TO GO TRY TO PEE OUTSIDE ON MARS, WHAT
HAPPENS?
>> IT'LL FREEZE AND EVAPORATE AT THE SAME TIME.
>> Stephen: THE-- THE PEE WILL?
>> YEAH, THE PEE WILL.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT IT COMES OUT OF?
WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO THAT?
WILL THAT JUST SNAP OFF LIKE A GRAHAM CRACKER?
WHAT-- BECAUSE I JUST-- >> YEAH, YOU JUST KEEP IT-- YOU
GOT TO KEEP YOUR HANDS ON IT.
>> Stephen: I DO MY BEST.
I SHOULD GET A MEAT THERMOMETER, BECAUSE IF WE RUN OUT OF FOOD
AND YOU START TO LOOK LIKE A GIANT TURKEY DRUMSTICK TO ME,
WHEN I COOK AND EAT YOU, I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE RAW.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I GOT TO 160-DEGREES WHEN YOU'RE
COOKING YOUR TYSON.
OKAY, JUST LIKE A CHICKEN.
SCIENTIFICALLY, IS IT A GOOD IDEA-- SCIENTIFICALLY, IS IT A
GOOD IDEA TO BUY EGGS FROM A DRUGSTORE?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT A SPACE SUIT IS?
>> Stephen: A SPACE SUIT?
>> YEAH.
IT'S AN EGG FOR US.
THAT EGG-- THE EGG IS A CASING.
>> Stephen: AREN'T WE THE EGG, AND THE SPACE SUIT IS THE EGG
CRATE PROTECTING US?
>> NO, WE ARE THE EGG YOLK AND-- >> ALBUMEN.
>> SO...
>> Stephen: VERY FEW PEOPLE HAVE EVER FIST BUMPED OVER THE WORD--
>> ALBUMEN.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SCIENCE RIGHT THERE.
I GOT AN IDEA.
I WANT TO DO AN EXPERIMENT.
HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S TIME FOR "STEPHEN AND NEIL DO SCIENCE."
TODAY, WE'RE DOING SCIENCE WITH A DOZEN EGGS.
OKAY, MY HYPOTHESIS IS-- >> IT'S THE HYPOTHESIS.
EINSTEIN HAD A THEORY.
DARWIN HAD A THEORY.
STEPHEN HAS A HYPOTHESIS.
>> Stephen: WHY DO I NOT GET TO HAVE A THEORY IF-- IF THEY HAD--
IF THEY HAD THEORIES, WHY CAN'T I HAVE ONE?
>> A THEORY HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED BY EXPERIMENT.
>> Stephen: MY HYPOTHESIS IS...
MY HYPOTHESIS IS THAT IT WOULD BE COOL TO RUN OVER A DOZEN EGGS
WITH-- WITH THAT ROVER.
>> I AGREE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO SCIENCE.
BLAST OFF!
WHOO!
>> COMPLETELY FLATTENED.
>> Stephen: SO OUR CONCLUSION OF OUR EXPERIMENT--
>> IT IS COOL, CONCLUSION NUMBER ONE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S COOL.
>> IT'S COOL.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THESE SEATS, MAN.
YEAH, IT'S ALL INCREDIBLY IMPRACTICAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY HAD TO MAKE THE SEATS MADE OUT OF
INDIVIDUAL BLACK ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER, BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW
CHAIRS WORK.
CHAIRS-- >> WE--
>> Stephen: WORK THE SAME WAY ON MARS.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
HOWEVER-- HOWEVER, YOU ONLY WEIGH 40% OF WHAT YOU WEIGH NOW.
>> Stephen: SERIOUSLY?
>> YEAH, SO YOU LOOK LIKE 190 POUNDS.
MAN, WHAT, 200-- >> Stephen: NO.
>> 200 POUNDS?
WHAT?
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE, YEAH.
>> WHAT?
YEAH, ABOUT THAT...?
OKAY.
>> Stephen: WOW, DID YOU WORK AT A CARNIVAL FOR AWHILE?
HOW DID YOU GUESS THAT?
>> NO, I-- I USED TO WRESTLE.
SO I-- >> Stephen: OH, SO YOU LOOKED AT
YOUR-- >> SO--
>> Stephen: OPPONENT?
>> SO MY HANDS WERE ON THE BODIES OF SWEATY MUSCLED MEN
MOST OF MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU.
AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE THAT TO GO INTO-- GO INTO SCIENCE, AS-- I
ASSUME-- >> JUST THE--
>> Stephen: THAT THAT'S GONE DOWN PRECIPITOUSLY AFTER YOU
STOPPED WRESTLING?
>> NO, SO YOU KNOW, SO-- SO LET'S ROUND YOU TO 200 AND MAKE
THE MATH EASY.
SO ON MARS YOU WOULD WEIGH...
ABOUT 80 POUNDS.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> SO THE CHAIR-- YOU KNOW, WE SIT IN CHAIRS AND WE SAY THEY'RE
COMFORTABLE, BECAUSE THEY'RE SUPPORTING YOUR BUTT CHEEKS AND
YOUR-- AND YOUR THING.
BUT IF YOU WEIGH MUCH LESS, THEN THE CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AS
PRECISE.
AND IN FACT, IF YOU WEIGH NOTHING, THEN YOU DON'T NEED A
CHAIR AT ALL.
>> Stephen: DID IT BLOW YOUR MIND?
BECAUSE MY MIND-- ROOF OF THIS THING RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, I'M FLOORING IT.
>> NOW YOU'RE HITTING FOUR MILES-AN-HOUR.
>> Stephen: OKAY, READY?
LET'S DO THE "STAR TREK"-- WE'RE GOING THROUGH THE-- WE'RE--
>> OH, OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE'RE GO-- RIGHT?
>> OKAY, OKAY, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YEAH...
>> X-RAY FIELD.
>> OH, DUH, OH.
DUH.
>> YEAH, THAT WAS GOOD.
>> Stephen: WELL, HERE WE ARE.
I'LL PARK IT.
NEIL, ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO DO SCIENCE WITH YOU.
WE SCIENCED THE HELL OUT OF THIS ROVER.
>> WAIT, STEVE, DID WE PARK LEGALLY?
>> Stephen: IF IT GETS BOOTED, THAT'S NASA'S PROBLEM
OKAY?
COME AND GET ME ON MARS, COPPER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU NASA AND NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON!