welcome welcome one are all in here out there all around the world to The
Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert you know
I know oh it can be hard to believe but I'm getting a little older yeah I'm 58. pretty
good shape pretty good shape thank you very much I think I think you're sexy too
but the blood pressure is a little high so my doctor's got me a strict regimen to lower my
stress level eight hours of sleep stay hydrated and do not be president of the United States
evidently a bit of a stressful job that's why it is so important that
the commander-in-chief stay healthy so today Joe Biden had his annual physical okay it was
a clean bill of health although his X-ray did reveal several classified documents
gotta look everywhere gotta look everywhere next colonoscopy
the presidential physicals it's pretty thorough they do they do a colonoscopy
blood tests and as part of the dental exam Biden pulls Air Force One with his teeth
Physicians said they'd be checking out Biden's eyes hearing and anything else he may complain
about anything else he may complain about the man is 80 years old I hope he packed a lunch okay Mr
President just a recap here your left knee tingles before it rains how come um the clock on my phone
doesn't tick uh they don't put real butter on the popcorn at the movie theaters anymore and
the diners charging twice what they used to for a nice plate of scrudge got it no here's the thing
we we don't have the full results yet but we do know the president tested positive for old AF
because Biden is the oldest president ever setting a new record every morning yes every day he wakes
up a new record that's impressive every day he wakes up there's a guy from the Guinness
book with a plaque that reads still alive and Biden's age you know it's just a number but it
is important because it's expected to announce a re-election bid soon so his advisors have a plan
to keep him looking spry reportedly they want to focus on events that play up the
president's Vitality which is why Biden will be the keynote speaker at this year's shamble Palooza
sponsored by velcro shoes
to ease his load Biden will likely be getting some help on the campaign Trail
one advisor says that if he runs in 2024 there will be a range of surrogates that
show the diversity of the party all across the ages from Maxwell Frost to Bernie Sanders yes
Bernie Sanders because nothing says I'm not old like trotting out a guy one year older
ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen no listen I'm telling you I'm here to urge
you to vote for that limber young whippersnapper Joe Biden turn down
the Bebop Joe stop doing the Charleston there I did you little speech now where's my soup
but it might be it might be hard to get voters to ignore the ravages of
time because according to CNN voters bring up Biden's age constantly in focus groups
using words like brain dead and mush come on what are you doing never say
mush around an 80 year old man he'll just get hungry and dinner's not till three
but Biden doesn't want anyone I'm just thinking about how much Joe Biden loves these jokes that's
what I'm thinking right now but Biden doesn't want anyone thinking he's too old for the job
which is why aides say his reaction to seeing news mentions of his age is to do a little jog in or
out of his next public event and that overall he doesn't want to be a grandpa he wants to be a bro
okay here we go come on let's go
here we go okay hey
hey what's up what's up fam I'm broseph Biden caps on backwards you peep My Vibe let's buckle on our
leather helmets toss around the medicine ball go for a little jog here we go okay
come on let's go oh heck oh heck that pigeon's passing me come here you roughneck ruffian now
speaking of Health ever since Sam Alito and the bench Bunch overturned Roe v Wade Republicans
all across the country have been looking for ways to track and restrict abortion it being private
that's not an easy task but one thing they've been targeting is apps that help track menstrual
cycles recently the Virginia state senate passed a bipartisan Bill to keep law enforcement from being
able to access these apps which seems reasonable which is why it's being opposed by Republican
Governor Glenn Younkin seen here not realizing he forgot to take off his picnic napkin before
the speech yesterday Junkin blocked the bill that would ban police from seeking menstrual
histories that's a clear invasion of privacy the only person who should know when someone
is menstruating is that person and the woman she makes discreet eye contact with before exchanging
a tampon then going on to win the lacrosse game I only know what I see in commercials
staffers for the governor claim he killed the bill because it threatened the ability
of law enforcement to investigate crime yes oh yes there's a lot of menstrual crime in this country
you can see it all in the new hit CBS drama ncpms
I'm not sure who is in that Gary Cole Barry Cole is in that
good to see him getting work Ben gazzara
this February 24th will mark one year since Vladimir Putin thought he could take Ukraine
in three days and a year later he's losing just as hard as ever in fact a new estimate says that
since the war started Russia has likely lost more than half its tanks I assume that means
destroyed because it's got to be hard to lose a tank was it level left for level G
hetto it's not just military supplies that are dwindling because we learned
yesterday that due to economic sanctions from the West Russia's Viagra supply has
been cut off so even the tanks that they still do have look like this
is wow they did a slide the tanks have a slide I don't know
Russia does have a plan though the Kremlin is now scrambling to commission generic erection
pills in fact the Russian government says they already have one in development warning is potato
of course
of course there's plenty of crises right here in America at home
you see on February 3rd there was a horrific train derailment in East Palestine Ohio that
is potentially one of the worst environmental disaster in the nation's history when this
Norfolk Southern Freight Train derailed it's billed 1.1 million pounds of something called
Vinyl chloride an incredibly toxic carcinogen which is also highly explosive so as a safety
measure Norfolk Southern did what they called a controlled burn and this is what they call control
even worse there were other dangerous chemicals in The Spill but Norfolk Southern didn't release
the full list until over a week later on Sunday February 12th they released the list on Super
Bowl they were clearly trying to bury it because the only list of dangerous chemicals you want to
read during the Super Bowl is on the side of your Doritos bag that's what makes the ranch so cool
now five days after the derailment people were told it was safe to go home despite residents
complaining of trouble breathing noxious smells nausea and headaches Ohio officials are trying to
get folks to come back home reassuring residents that the air in East Palestine remains safe
to breathe yes pay no attention to your lying lungs the tingling means the air is working now
in response in response to all this Devastation the folks over at Norfolk Southern offered twenty
five thousand dollars to the town that's the whole town East Palestine Ohio has about 5 000 residents
that's five bucks per person tell you what sorry for turning your town to a lifeless hellscape you
know what might help a foot long at Subway there you go sensing that may be not enough Norfolk
Southern is now offering residents one thousand dollar inconvenience checks really you call this
an inconvenience that's like giving survivors of the Titanic a reimbursement for dampness
Norfolk Southern I think I speak for everyone when I say Norfolk you!
We've got a great show for you tonight. My guests are the Reverend Al Sharpton
and actress Jessica Williams but when we come back Congressman George
Santos will be here answering my very tough questions, stick around!