>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND TONIGHT IS A VERY SPECIAL "A LATE SHOW."
YOU MAY REMEMBER LAST WEEK, WHEN I SAT DOWN WITH MY CLOSE
PERSONAL FRIEND BARACK, AS HE HAS ASKED ME NOT TO CALL HIM,
PRESIDENT OBAMA.
WELL, IT TURNS OUT THE PRESIDENT AND I HAD SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT,
WE ACTUALLY COULDN'T FIT IT ALL IN ONE SHOW.
I MEAN, WE COULD HAVE, BUT THAT WOULD HAVE MEANT MORE TIME WITH
AN AMERICAN ICON, AND FEWER COMMERCIALS FOR NASAL
DECONGESTANT-- AND OBVIOUSLY NO ONE WANTS THAT.
SO IN THE GREAT TRADITION OF THIS POST-THANKSGIVING SEASON,
TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO SERVE UP SOME DELICIOUS LEFTOVERS, IN
WHAT I'M CALLING "A LATE SHOW'S CHOCK-A-BLOCK-A-BARACK
OBAMA-RAMA EXTRAVAGAMA!" AS YOU KNOW, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT HAS BEEN MAKING THE ROUNDS RECENTLY TO PROMOTE HIS
NEW BOOK, "A PROMISED LAND."
IT'S THE STORY OF BARACK OBAMA'S FIRST 27 MONTHS AS PRESIDENT,
AND, AT ALMOST 800 PAGES, IT WILL TAKE MOST PEOPLE 27 MONTHS
TO FINISH.
IT'S THE FIRST MEMOIR MEANT TO BE READ IN REAL-TIME.
MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT "A PROMISED LAND" IS THAT, JUST
LIKE MOST BOOKS, ON THE DUST JACKET, IT'S GOT A LITTLE AUTHOR
BIO: "BARACK OBAMA WAS THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
ELECTED IN NOVEMBER OF 2008," ETC, ETC.
WHO IS THAT FOR, EXACTLY?
WHO PICKS UP THIS BOOK WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WROTE IT?
"LET'S SEE, I'M A BIG FAN OF PROMISES, AND I'M A LAND
MAMMAL... LET ME FIND OUT WHO THIS 'BARACK OBAMA' GUY IS."
"A PROMISED LAND" HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING.
PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS IT TOOK HIM TWO AND A HALF YEARS LONGER THAN
EXPECTED TO FINISH.
NOT SURPRISING.
IF HE DICTATED IT, THE PAUSES WOULD EAT UP BIG CHUNK OF THAT.
THIS BOOK IS ALREADY A HUGE DEAL, SELLING A RECORD-BREAKING
1.7 MILLION COPIES IN THE FIRST WEEK.
IN FACT, DEMAND FOR "A PROMISED LAND" IN AMERICA WAS SO HIGH
THAT THE INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHER HAS PRINTED 1.5 MILLION COPIES
IN GERMANY TO BRING OVER ON CARGO SHIPS.
BUT I'M ASSURED CUSTOMERS WON'T NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE AMERICAN VERSION AND THE GERMAN ONE.
AND IF YOU'RE HAPPY TO SEE OBAMA BACK IN THE SPOTLIGHT
AGAIN, YOU'RE NOT ALONE: INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORES IN
PARTICULAR ARE REPORTING UNPRECEDENTED FIRST-DAY SALES,
WHICH COULD PROVE CRUCIAL IN RECOVERING SOME OF THE LOSSES
SUFFERED DURING THE SHUTDOWN.
HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS MAN NEED TO SAVE THE ECONOMY?
HE PROPPED UP THE AUTO INDUSTRY, NOW PUBLISHING, AND NEXT WEEK,
HE'S BRINGING BACK AMERICA'S SHOPPING MALLS BY GETTING HIS
EARS PIERCED AT CLAIRE'S.
OBAMA IS A DEMOCRAT, BUT IN HIS EARLY YEARS, HE DID FLIRT WITH
OTHER POLITICAL IDEOLOGIES.
AND I DO MEAN "FLIRT."
AS HE SAYS IN HIS BOOK, A PERFORMATIVE INTEREST IN THE
WRITINGS OF POLITICAL PHILOSOPHERS LIKE KARL MARX AND
FRANTZ FANON GAVE HIM SOMETHING TO SAY TO THE LONG-LEGGED
SOCIALIST WHO LIVED IN HIS DORM AND THE ETHEREAL BISEXUAL WHO
WORE MOSTLY BLACK.
OH, YEAH, NOTHING GETS THE LADIES GOING LIKE MARXISM.
(FLIRTY) "HEY, BABY, ARE YOU RELIGION?
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE OPIATE OF MY MASSES.
LET'S MAKE LIKE THE PROLETARIAT AND SEIZE EACH OTHER'S MEANS OF
PRODUCTION."
OBAMA ALSO REVEALS WHO HAD THE FINAL SAY ON ONE OF HIS MOST
ICONIC SLOGANS.
HE WAS PITCHED A CAMPAIGN AD WHERE HE LOOKED INTO THE CAMERA
AND SAID "YES WE CAN."
OBAMA SAYS "I THOUGHT IT WAS CORNY, BUT THE DIRECTOR SHOWED
IT TO MICHELLE, WHO DEEMED IT 'NOT CORNY AT ALL'."
THANK GOODNESS MICHELLE OBAMA TOLD HIM NOT TO PLAY IT SO COOL!
OTHERWISE WE WOULD'VE BEEN STUCK WITH POSTERS THAT SAID "HOPE, OR
WHATEVER, NO BIG DEAL."
NOW THAT THE BOOK IS ON THE SHELVES, OBAMA IS NOT RESTING ON
HIS LAURELS.
HE AND THE FORMER FIRST LADY HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY'LL BE
PRODUCING A NETFLIX SKETCH COMEDY SERIES ABOUT THE
TRANSITION CHAOS FROM HIS ADMINISTRATION TO NUMBER 45.
A NETFLIX SHOW ABOUT TAKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE FROM OBAMA?
PLEASE CALL IT "ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK."
BUT YOU'VE HEARD ENOUGH OF ME TALKING ABOUT BARACK OBAMA.
LET'S CHANGE THINGS UP AND WATCH ME TALKING TO BARACK OBAMA.
JIM?
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING DOWN.
YOU NEEDED A CHANGE IN VENUE.
>> Stephen: I GOT NOTHING ELSE GOING ON RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO SEA YA.
>> Stephen: NICE TO TEE ZE YOU, TOO.
>> HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU LOOK WELL.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU LOOK WELL, TOO.
>> THAT'S AN EXCEPTIONALLY NICE SUIT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
DO YOU NOT OWN A TIE?
>> I DON'T BELIEVE IN TIES ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
FUNERALS AND WEDDINGS, THE ONLY TIME YOU'RE GOING TO SEE ME
IN A TIE.
>> Stephen: NOW THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, DO I STILL HAVE TO BE DIGNIFIED AROUND YOU?
>> NO.
YOU WEREN'T DIGNIFIED PREVI PREVIOUSLY.
>> AFTER EIGHT MONTHS, MY BODY IS NO LONGER SUIT SPAIPPED
SHAPED.
>> LISTEN, YOU LOOK GOOD IN YOUR SOUGHT, YOU SHAVED, SHOES
POLISHED.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> I THINK SHE JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU UPGRADED A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: I THINK SO, TOO.
BY THE WAY, I AM ENJOYING "A PROMISED LAND."
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU WRITE IN THE BOOK THAT ONE OF THE THINGS YOU
NOTICE ABOUT BECOMING PRESIDENT IS NO ONE EVER CALLS YOU BY YOUR
FIRST NAME AGAIN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS, BUT I'VE
SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH YOUR LIFE.
TRAVELED TO LONDON TOGETHER AND INTERVIEWED FOR HER BOOK IN
NASHVILLE, SE GAVE ME A CAKE ON MY BIRTHDAY, DANCED FOR MY
BIRTHDAY.
SHE ACTUALLY GOT AN EMAIL FROM ONE OF HER ASSISTANTS SAYING SHE
IS DONE WITH ME CALLING HER MADAM FIRST LADY AND I AM TO
CALL HER MICHELLE IN SO UNCERTAIN TERMS AND I HAVE NOT
SEEN HER TO DO THAT YET, BUT I AM GOING TO GET THE COURAGE TO
DO THAT WHEN I SEE HER NEXT.
MR. PRESIDENT, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO ME?
>> NO.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I TAKE THAT BACK.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL ME MR. PRESIDENT, YOU CAN JUST CALL
ME PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ON BEHALF OF A LOT OF AMERICANS, I THINK I CAN SAY
WITH CONFIDENCE THAT WE'VE MISSED YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THESE LAST FOUR YEARS.
DID YOU MISS YOU?
DID YOU EVER LOOK AT SOMETHING GOING ON IN THE NEWS AND GO, YOU
KNOW WHAT THIS SITUATION NEEDS?
BARACK OBAMA.
>> (LAUGHING) I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE, PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME,
KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD A THIRD TERM?
AND I USED TO SAY, IF I COULD MAKE AN ARRANGEMENT WHERE I HAD
A STAND-IN, A FRONT-MAN OR FRONT-WOMAN AND THEY HAD AN EAR
PIECE IN AND I WAS IN MY BASEMENT OR SWEATS LOOKING
THROUGH THE STUFF AND I COULD DELIVER THE LINES, BUT SOMEBODY
ELSE WAS DOING ALL THE TALKING AND CEREMONY, I WOULD BE FINE
WITH THAT BECAUSE I FOUND THE WORK FASCINATING.
I MEAN, I WRITE ABOUT THE -- EVEN ON MY WORST DAYS, I FOUND
PUZZLING OUT, YOU KNOW, THESE BIG, COMPLICATED, DIFFICULT
ISSUES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU WERE WORKING WITH SOME GREAT PEOPLE,
TO BE PROFESSIONALLY REALLY SATISFYING.
BUT I DO NOT MISS HAVING TO WEAR A TIE EVERY DAY.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE ASPECTS OF THE JOB -- BECAUSE WE FOUND
OUT FROM YOUR SUCCESSOR THAT THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO AND PEOPLE STILL LOOK AT YOU AS PRESIDENT.
ARE THERE A FEW THINGS YOU CHUCKED OUT AND YOU WENT, OH, IF
ONLY I HAD KNOWN I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT?
>> I THINK THERE WAS A LOT.
>> Stephen: RESPOND TO SUBPOENAS?
>> FOLLOW THE CONSTITUTION.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S A GRAYING DRAG.
THAT CONSTITUTION IS A DRAG.
YOU SAY YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS BOOK FOR YUM PEOPLE OF THE NEXT
GENERATION.
YOU'RE 59, I'M 56.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE US GEN XERES TO KNOW?
>> GET OUT OF THE WAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BOOMER.
(LAUGHING) I WILL SAY I AM SO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT OUR KIDS, AND
THEY'RE SMARTER THAN WE WERE, THEY'RE MORE SOPHISTICATED,
THEY'RE KINDER, THEY'RE ENVIRONMENTALLY MORE CONSCIOUS,
THEY BELIEVED IN STUFF, AS I WRITE IN THE PREFACE, THAT MAYBE
WE GAVE LIP SERVICE TO BUT DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE OUT BECAUSE
IT REQUIRED SOME SACRIFICE AND YOU SEE THEM LIVING OUT THEIR
COMMITMENTS IN REALLY POWERFUL WAYS.
BUT WE HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GIVE THEM THE CHANCE TO REMAKE
INSTITUTIONS AND CHANGE OLD HABITS.
SO THEY MAKE ME OPEN MYSTIC, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT WE
DON'T SCREW THINGS UP SO BAD THAT, BY THE TIME THEY'RE IN
CHARGE, THAT, YOU KNOW, IT BECOMES THAT MUCH HARDER.
>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU LISTENED TO YOUR OWN AUDIO
BOOK OF THIS?
I KNOW YOU RECORDED IT.
>> I DID RECORD IT, SO I WAS LISTENING TO IT WHILE I WAS
READING.
>> I ENJOY THE AUDIO BOOK.
YOU CAN LISTEN TO YOUR AUDIO BOOK AT DOUBLE SPEED AND CAN'T
TELL IT'S GOING FASTER.
>> YOUR VOICE IS HIGHER ISN'T IT?
>> Stephen: NO, YOUR VOICE STAYS AT THE SAME LEVEL, JUST AS
NORMAL HUMAN TALKING SPEED.
OKAY.
>> (LAUGHING) WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT.
>> Stephen: HOLD THAT THAWVMENT BACK WITH MORE OF THE
44th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
BARACK OBAMA.