Even though I still don't have cancer now,
my anxiety still remains from when I was ill
and I still get tired or I still get ill.
I feel like I have to justify if I can't go out
because my immune system is still weak
or I'm feeling really tired.
It's hard to explain to some people sometimes
because they think, "You're all well,
you're in remission, you're healthy, you're like-"
I wish I was.
People come up to you like,
"You're all good now. It's all over, you're healthy."
You're like, "I guess, but not really."
Did you have that thing of,
I'd have a massive push to go see my friends
and they'd be like, "You're fine,"
but they wouldn't see me exhausted in bed for the next few days
because it really took everything to just go out for that one day.
My friends do a lot of things that I can't do.
It's more, unless I plan it,
I don't get invited now to some stuff.
What sort of things do they do?
I've got some friends that really like drinking,
and if I drink I'm sick for days
because obviously I've got to take chemo as a drink
because I've got take it certain times,
if I take it,
I'm in the bathroom while they're on the dance floor
and they think, "Well, she's probably taking selfies,"
but no, I'm actually like throwing up in the toilet.
They don't know I'm just being sick
because I don't want to be the downer of the night.
I know at first, some of my friends,
they didn't really bother speaking to me.
I don't think it was out of harsh,
I just think they didn't know what to do.
I've just been diagnosed,
I have to then say, "Look, you need to talk to me,
I need my friends", sort of thing.
I had one friend who had her birthday drinks planned
and then I got told I needed an MRI
and it was on the day of her birthday drinks.
The scan was at five o'clock.
Now, after a scan, I feel exhausted.
I couldn't think of anything worse than going out to drink.
I just want to go home, put on my Netflix,
put the pyjamas on and eat a big bag of chocolate.
She wouldn't talk to me because I couldn't go.
That's crazy.
It made me feel a really bad friend
and I felt really isolated
because I'm not choosing to have the scan.
-Exactly, yes. You need it. -Yes.
You got to have it.
It's just sometimes people lack understanding
of actually what we have to go through
-because of our blood cancer. -I think sometimes
that people just don't go and speak to you about it.
I had one friend
who I sent her a text but she wasn't really around.
I got they all clear
and I kept ringing her and ringing her
and she never answered my call until much later on and I said,
"I wanted to tell you I've got all clear
and I haven't heard from you.
What's been going on?". She was like,
"Well, I've had so much going on in my life
and I didn't want to come tell you about what's going on in my life
because you have cancer."
Just because I've got an illness doesn't mean I'm not a friend.
I want to know when your boyfriend breaks up with you
or whatever it might be.
I don't want to talk about cancer every day.
I need my friends to just talk about the normal stuff.
Some people that I wasn't so close to have now become close
for the fact of just asking "How are you?"
and inviting me places.
Actually, that's the people you need.
I've come close with a lot more people
that I wasn't close with before.
There is positives in it.
To be honest,
through my experience,
-I know who are my friends for life. -Definitely.
I know the ones that are going to be in my life until I die,
that will be at my wedding
because I think it's something like this--
I had friends in London that would come all the way to the northeast
and see me every other weekend.
I think
it's a good way to weed out really annoying friends. [laughs]
-[laugs] -Exactly, isn't it?
You know the true people you need in your life, don't you?