- Tommy, You've been driving for hours.
- I could take the wheel for a while.
- Tommy Steale lives for the open road!
- He's a free bird.
- We've been in this ruddy submarine since Tuesday.
- I haven't had a shag in two days!
- A man has needs!
- That didn't stop you from ruining my linens.
- One of these days you'll find yourself hoisted by your own petard
- Hoisted by my own petard is what ruined your sheets
- In'it?
- My unmentionables!
- Save my manties!
- We're hit!
(Screaming and tires screeching)
(Crashes)
- I've been penetrated!
- And not in a good way!
- Get this rod out of me!
(Screaming)
- Don't worry Ripher, keep pushing!
- I can see it's head!
- Bloody hell!
(Rock music)
- Never fear my dears, I'll get us out of here!
(Dialling)
(Ringing)
- Is you calling an ambulance, mate?
- Maax! It's Spunkie!
(Who?)
- It's me! Your old pal and Protégé, Spunkie!
- From Sex Swing?
- The band you manage?
(Sparkie, Baby!)
- Maxie, we had a 'little' accident with Van Halen.
(Groaning)
- Max, are you alright?
- Uh, No! I'm not GD Alright!
- I got an ulcer the size
of my ex-wives clitoris!
- Poor Diane!
- She's a saint for carrying that thing around.
(Groaning)
- Speaking of burdens.
- It's Max to the rescue, once again!
- Here's what you're going to do!
- You're gonna call my friend, Anton.
He's a junker in Alpaso
- Don't tell him you know me!
- Second!
(Phone cuts off)
- Max?
- Max!?
- What after Anton?
- What after Anton!?
- Hello?
- Christ on a cracker
- The batteries pooped the bed!
- Ugh, I'm gonna ruddy die out here, in'it?
- If you die...
- Can I have your pole?
- Quit crying, you wet nosed diaper dandies.
- Salvation is upon us!
- I would say this place is hybrid heaven
But that would be redundant
- V8 turbo diesel
- 4 Speed automatic
- And a place to stack the bodies.
- I like that one!
- Perhaps there is someone of ambulatory vehicle
- Containing first-aid equipment?
- I mean...
- That breezer looks wicked ace, mate
- Who dares go there?
- Is that you God?
- I regret nothing!
- Pardon our manners... Or rather
Lack thereof
- We're sex swing.
- A Rock band
- Who currently find ourselves in a predicament
- Not unlike our traveling, minstrel, forefathers of your
- You see... we were
(Gun Shot)
- Fear on a pogostick!
- If you think you're going to scare Tommy Steale
- With a couple of pussy pellets
- You ain't gonna...
(Gun Shot)
- Holy crawl!
- Run for the trenches! We're out gunned!
- This dealership is dead!
- And you will be too if-
(Gun Shot)
- Over here, comrades!
- Hurry!
- You saved us, stranger!
- But... who are you?
- Billy Zane?! (Steve Zahn!)
- What are you doing here?
- All shall be revealed.
- But first...
- Hot Cocoa?
- Zane, where'd a glory hole like you learn to bust a slug like that?
- 2011
- Sniper reloaded.
- It takes more than a pretty face
- To bring an inexperienced civilian turned deadly sniper
- Richard Miller, To real life.
- For a second time...
- Tommy Steale don't understand a goddamn word you just said
- Excuse me mate, do you have a Band-Aid or something
- Maybe some Gauze?
- Masking tape?
- A decorative sticker?
- I'm really losing a lot of blood here, mate.
- I wish I could help you...
- But unfortunately I've never portrayed a doctor
- On screen or stage
- It would be...
- Unethical of me...
- Billy...
- What in the world wide web just happened out there?
- This dealership used to be a place of light...
- Of love...
- Of 12 month financing no money down
- It was the Zane family car dealership
- It's been in my family for generations.
- As a child...
- I one day desired to become a car sales man.
- The best car sales man!
- But life doesn't always work out the way you hope...
- The sales man game wasn't my forte
- I had no choice but to give up my dealership dreams
- And pursue my fall back career...
- In acting.
- My twin brother on the other hand...
- Twin brother!?
- Willy Zane.
- Willy was the one who wanted to be an actor...
- He was crap at it.
- I tried to get him some big parts but...
- No one wanted a guy who looked like Billy Zane but couldn't act
- And while I was away acting...
- Willy turned deranged and obsessive!
- He locked the dealerships gates!
- His control ultimate, His revenge!
- Complete...
- Ooh, it's like something out of a movie!
- A movie, I can handle.
- I know movies like the back of my hand.
- Willy scares off every customer.
- We haven't sold a car in months
- Even though our deal are...
In-Zane
- Sell a car to us!
- We need a new van!
- I Can't...
- Willy will never allow it.
- Sounds to Tommy Steale that willy needs
- A Boot up his mud hole!
- Yeah!
- Don't do it!
- You'll get us killed!
- Get out here, Willy Zane!
- And show Tommy Steale your mud hole!
- Please, Willy... Why are you acting this way?
- I told you never to use the A word!
- You will sell Tommy Steale a mini van
- Or face the wrath of Rock
- (Laughter) I don't think I'll be doing that!
- I was supposed to ride away...
- The horse wouldn't move.
- (Weakly) Excuse me, Purple man...
- Is there a hospital around here?
- Wee! (Ow!)
- Enough!
- I'll make you a deal...
- I'll sell you a new van..
- But only if you can best me
- Willy Zane, In a death race!
- 0% APR for 12 months, 250 down!
- Due at lease signing
- You're on!
- Excellent!
- This is a box office nightmare.
- Trust me, I'd know.
- There is no way we can beat Willy!
- You just put Tommy Steale behind the wheel
- And that interest rate is as good as ours!
- We don't even have a wheel to out you behind
- Willy isn't going to just give us a car!
- I have an idea!
- A poptart... but the filling is on the outside!
- Someone make that...
- That's it!
- If we don't have a car
- We can make one.
- It may not be pretty...
- But if we work together and put some of this scrap to use.
- It's done.
- Behold!
- Van Morrison!
- Simply Titanic.
- A savvy traveller is prepared for any situation.
- Including a death race!
- I think I see a bloody angel.
- And she's waiting for me at the pearly gates.
- And her knockers are ruddy perfect!
- Are you prepared to lose? Losers!
- Willy we don't have to do this!
- Quite, Brother! The time for words is over!
- It's time for wheels!
3...
2...
1...
(Whooo!)
- Look out! Chocolate syrup ahoy!
- Curse you, Sex Swing.
- You can't get away from me!
- We ain't gonna make it! The car is too heavy!
- (Sigh) Can't believe I'm doing this!
- Give it up, Sex swing.
- There is no way you can win!
- Not if I... Can ruddy... help it.
(Cheering)
(Steve Zahn, Steve Zahn, Steve Zahn)
- I see now what my jealousy has done
- To us and our beautiful car dealership
- Can you forgive me brother?
- Willy...
- There's nothing to forgive.
- I am overjoyed!
- Uh, Sex swing!
- Allow me to fetch your prize.
- Thank you my friends...
- Though originally I thought you'd be vagabonds
- and quite frankly monkey people.
- I say now that you are truly wonderful spirits
- This must feel even better than winning an Oscar, huh Billy?
- I was lying! Now prepare to die!
- I couldn't save Rose & Jack, But I can save you!
- No!!
(Crashing)
- I can't believe it... I thought he really changed
- There is no way you would have know he was insane, Billy.
- It's not the end, mate.
- And remember
- Sometimes your family ain't the ones who drop out your mum's fanny
- Sometimes your family is the one you make yourself.
- The one that cares about your wellbeing above all else.
- Uh, Thanks guys.
- Now I think it's time that Van Morrison finds a worthy successor.
- Don't you?
- Are you sure you don't want something...
A bit fancier?
- I got these clothes from a dead clown.
- Or at least he said he was.
- They don't make them like this anymore.
- Well legally, they can't!
- Best of travels, my friends!
- Goodbye, Billy!
- Thank you for everything!
- You rock, Billy Zane.
- See you Tomorrow!
- It's done.
- They're on their way to you.
- The operation was a success!
- We removed the object from your body, Mr The-Ripher
(Cheering)
- But you have aids...