Come closer, little child.
Oh my god.
Welcome to my son's room.
Hey, Link.
I am in my son Shepherd's room.
And I'm ready to play with toys.
Well, I'm ready to review toys.
Shepherd is behind the camera.
You ever operated, like directed a video before?
No.
Good.
Lando, how old are you?
Seven...
10.
10, I knew that.
You're in fourth grade.
We're gonna be playing with some toys
that a fourth grade, 10 year old would play with.
I just thought as your dad,
it was time to come in and just assess
what you got going on in here.
Tell you if you've got good taste in toys.
And I'm just gonna be reviewing these.
I'm not so bored that I just need to play with kid's toys.
Let's see the first one.
All right.
Oh, we're starting with some fancy right off the bat.
It's an articulated poser.
Did your mom buy you this
to trick you into learning something?
What is this really for?
Is this for sketching.
No, it's just to keep there.
I think this is supposed to be for sketches.
Anatomically correct sketches.
But this metal rod's not anatomically correct.
I give this a three out of 10.
You give it more than that?
Give it a six!
Here's my son Shepherd, he is into Beyblades.
This is the stadium, and these are like--
This is not a stadium, son, this a giant dog bowl.
You have somehow been lured into believing
that this a stadium.
This is like a dog bowl for a Saint Bernard.
A pretty flimsy one at that.
Whoa!
Whoa, okay, these are pretty cool.
And then you can fight one another, right?
You can do a Beyblade battle.
Yeah.
We shouldn't do that, this is a toy review.
This isn't supposed to be fun.
Oh my goodness, look at that.
This dude's like a samurai.
Look, he's got a...
Oop!
What was that?
He freaking fired a missile.
Now back in my day, there were no projectiles.
You had to throw the whole thing
if you wanted something to fly.
Oh, just pull that off.
Man, I give this a freaking nine out of 10.
Get that thing, and then you can kill him.
I know how Pac-Man works.
Yeah.
I'm 42.
That was the sound of me winning.
How often do you place with this?
When I'm bored, which is pretty often.
When did you get it?
A year ago?
How many times have you played it in this year?
50 or 60 times.
50 or 60 times?
And it's sort of like a little connection,
because your dad grew up in the '80s.
He was playing Pac-Man, and now you're playing it
in your room by yourself being bored.
I'm gonna give this a B minus.
Oh my goodness.
Kind of creepy, but...
"Mask Book", what the heck?
Hey, I'm your storybook, why don't you come read me?
Come closer, little child.
Oh my god!
I'm broccoli face.
I've got broccoli for a forehead.
My eyes hurting.
You might need to let this sit
for a few days before you touch it again.
Lots of Legos.
Okay, this looks like it was for a wing
or something like that.
Yeah.
Was there a time in which it was together?
Not that I remember.
What I'm beginning to see is that
you approach Legos a lot like I approached Legos
at your age.
Which is, you get a little frustrated halfway
through the process and then you put them into a big bin
with all the other Legos.
If you have assembled some actually Lego things,
could you please show me those?
Okay, I remember this.
We were on the beach somewhere,
and somebody walked up selling this thing.
He could blow it.
He could make a tune.
It's harder than he made it look.
I give this a four out of 10.
It's pretty frustrating.
I got a helicopter and I got a dragon thing.
I've only got two hands, this is good enough for now.
Okay, and then I have Las Vegas.
You have...
Oh, we should have started with that.
We've got the city of Las Vegas.
Which consists of other things
that resemble other places in the world.
What made you choice Las Vegas?
I've been there.
You went to Vegas without me?
I'm pretty proud of you, Shep,
because not only did you pick Sin City,
but you finished it, man.
So I'm gonna give this a B plus.
Only giving Bs today, huh?
You gotta show me something that's worthy of an A.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
It's book time.
"Chronicles of Narnia".
Once upon a time...
Whoa, crap!
This a freaking pop up book.
Some books pop and some books smack.
This is a banger.
A freaking lion coming out of it.
Oh, we got a chick on a horse, y'all.
This is not how horses work.
Freaking owl coming out at you.
That's the stuff nightmares are made of, man.
Owls know things.
I give this one a three out of 10,
because it can give you nightmares.
Okay.
Well, you should be like,
okay, what else do you have?
I like that, you're like a director
and now you're telling me what to do.
Yeah.
Hey, Shep, what else you got?
This guy.
This is like a real Batman.
Her name is Patricia.
She looks pretty evil.
You're okay sleeping in a room with this thing?
Patricia's not a thing.
Patricia is a person?
I think Patricia has a little name tag.
Can your young eyes read what the...
'Cause there's actually a name tag on that.
Patricia.
It doesn't say Patricia.
Where did you get this?
Well, first it was my cousin's
and then my cousin gave Patricia to my brother.
This is special.
Based on the fact that this is an heirloom
that you've passed from cousin to brother to you,
I'm gonna give it a B plus.
What's this, a stress man?
Panic Pete.
I'm gonna squeeze me some Panic Pete.
Do something to make me panic.
It's an owl!
Where did we get this?
World Market.
There's a lot of quality crap
coming out of the World Market these days.
I like Panic Pete.
I mean, he's ugly as all get out,
and that's before his eyes and ears bug out.
We have more Legos.
I can see that you started to do some things.
Is this like a graveyard?
Are these things that you gave up on,
or the things you finished and then broke slowly?
Both.
There's a lot of things that you could do,
I mean, we might as well just try it here.
Very interesting.
And then you put that.
Just based on what I was gonna build,
if you gave me adequate time,
I'm gonna give this an A plus.
So what is this, another toy that your momma bought you
to trick you into learning something?
Squigz.
Pop this open.
Oh, they're suction.
All of these pieces will stick together.
Now have you ever stuck them to yourself?
There we go.
I'm freaking turning into Panic Pete.
I'm a human Panic Pete, y'all.
10 out of 10.
Got these Nerf Blasters.
Put it in, and boom.
It fires three at the same time?
Oh, one of them stayed in there, look.
Well, it's not working very well,
did it work well at one point?
Yeah.
This one shoots two at a time.
But it can shoot--
Let's load her up.
Wow, look at this, we can get some cool action here.
Whoa!
Gets them up and moving and it's orange,
so I'm gonna give it a B plus.
What is this?
It's a ball.
Got a little wrist dangle happening here.
Then you catch it.
Oh, you catch it.
Well, that's easy.
You've got siblings to fight with,
why would you sit in your room and do this?
'Cause I don't wanna fight with them always.
Yeah, it does get old, doesn't it.
Am I doing this right?
'Cause it seems kind of anticlimactic.
I read the instructions.
You had to read instructions for this?
You got a Hacky Sack?
It's for a juggling thing.
Son, with one ball, that's not juggling.
That's just throwing a ball.
Found another ball.
There we go, so now we've got two balls,
we're not juggling yet, but we're close.
You know what, son, that's cool,
you don't wanna be a juggler,
go flush these down the toilet.
My son actually made this from scratch, y'all.
It's just like a freaking Battlerock.
You can put this in a box and sell it, man.
We might need to eBay this crap.
No, I like it.
I'm not a Bionicles expert,
but I'm willing to guess that this is not
what it looked like on the box.
This is like a Shepherd original, is that right?
Yeah.
And then this, look at this guy.
Now this one's ugly, dude.
I'm just gonna be honest.
Oh, look at me.
And what do you call this guy?
That is David.
David?
Bionicles, I give these a seven out of 10.
Well, hold on, 10 out of 10.
I'm gonna give this A plus plus, for originality.
Here's your next one.
Oh, here we go.
Look at this.
He's got a little squishy.
You don't eat it though.
You think I'm gonna eat it?
You think I'm that stupid?
I don't think you're stupid,
but I think you wanna eat it.
Well, okay.
Oh, you got a lot of them.
I have never been prouder of you,
and I'm constantly proud of you.
You just organize these,
or do you actually squish them sometimes?
Squish them.
All right, six out of 10.
These are called Contraptions.
No glue, no connectors, just simple stacking.
That seems easy enough.
This is like somebody went to the hardware store
and just cut up some wood, and then said it was a toy.
But there's also the plastic balls.
Where are they?
They're somewhere.
Well, you know what, you got those balls
that you put in the toilet, where are they?
I gotta get them out of the toilet.
Put the ball in there.
Amazing.
Shep, this is a piece of crap, man.
I gotta say, Contraptions now are kindling.
Pick blue or pink.
Blue.
Okay, hold blue and drop it.
Okay, so this is a brain teaser.
Listen man, I'm a middle aged man.
My brain doesn't have the capacity to be teased.
It's all teased out.
Yeah, it's all teased out.
Figure it out.
The other way.
Oh, did you see that?
This is some sort of sorcery.
How much time can this occupy?
About 15 minutes.
15 minutes at a time.
Well, in my book, that gives it a 10 out of 10.
Where'd you get this?
Mom got it for me in Cape Town.
And what is this teaching you about physics?
Birds don't always need to fly
because they can just balance on their--
By the way it's missing a whole wing.
What happened to the wing?
Barbara.
Don't let Barbara get to your toys.
This is a very McLaughlin thing.
We traveled somewhere, we brought something back,
our dog ate some of it.
A plus, man.
Go balance this somewhere.
Okay, so--
Mad Mattr sand.
I will play with this.
Look at this.
Oh, this stuff.
Can I have some?
It feels so good.
It looks like beach. It smells really bad though.
Oh, it smells like a librarian's armpit.
Smell this one.
That one smells like the inside of a shoe
that someone wears barefoot.
That's not good.
I'm gonna make a nice pink loaf.
And I'm just gonna...
Cut it.
The knife is safe for you.
Yeah, my son's only willing to give me
a dull wooden knife.
I give that a 10 out of 10, most definitely.
Uh, this is a rock.
Where'd you get this?
I forgot.
Usually you're in a significant place,
and you're like, oh I need something to remember
this place by, I'm gonna grab a rock.
Oh, sentimental value.
Yeah, I just kind of want a rock.
A man needs his rocks.
This is a very smooth rock, has a nice hand feel.
Has a nice mouth feel.
Refers to the physical sensations in the mouth
caused by food or drink, as distinct from taste.
I'm gonna give this straight B, highly recommend.
Now we're having some fun.
You can't help but laugh.
Oh, what is this?
Did you make this yourself?
This is Moose.
Okay, Moose is a corn snake,
that has a specific genetic mutation
that makes him cool for kids.
How often do you play with Moose?
Four to five times a month.
And what do you feed Moose?
Dead mice.
It's kind of morbid when you think about it.
I mean, you gotta give the food
to the cooler animal.
This is more of a pet and less of a toy,
wouldn't you say?
Yeah.
Because it's a living thing and it's teaching my son
something about the cycle of life,
you feed the less cool animals to the cooler animals,
I don't know what I think about that ethic,
so I'm gonna give Moose an A minus.
This looks like a homemade toy.
So we've got an alligator.
Hello.
He's not an alligator.
It's a green mustached,
dish washing capsule container monster.
Cascade.
Not a sponsor.
Here, see if you can get it to eat the pink thing.
Oh yeah, look at that.
I think most stuff got somewhere around a B.
I think you've got slightly above average toys.
Congratulations.
I think Panic Pete is my favorite.
I'm gonna keep this one.
He's your favorite?
Rhett, I hope that you had lots of discoveries.
Come on in here, son.
I gave you a hard time, but you know I'm proud of you.
Link, I hope you and Lando learned something.
I would kill to be your father.
I'm not Panic Pete.
I would kill to be your father,
if I wasn't already your father.
I might need to get him some better toys,
maybe get him another city of The United States,
that he could make out of Legos.
To pretend like he's traveling when he's stuck at home.
Man, playing with toys, that's exhausting.
Now clean up your room, son.
Oh, all this stuff?