The case of the murdered monarchies continues! Russia is far and away the
most famous monarchy to crumble to dust, and boy did it ever. When Nicholas II became Tsar,
he told his brother-in-law, and I quote “I am not yet ready to be Tsar. I never wanted to
become one. I know nothing about the business of ruling”. He then spent the next 23 years fighting
tooth and nail to hold onto absolute power. Imagine his shock when everything went belly up
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Russia was an interesting place in the 1800s. Still agrarian, feudal, non-industrialized, really
lagging behind the times. And that’s partially to do with the way the Russian Tsars kept
ping-ponging on the idea of liberalization and democracy. Catherine the Great and Paul? Absolute
power. Alexander I? He saw those two and declared that Russia had become a plaything for the insane,
absolute power corrupts everything, let’s have a constitution and a parliament and - oh,
oh but Paul was assassinated and oh dear there was a conspiracy to kidnap Alexander, no, no,
this will not do, absolute power it is. But Alexander I was weird, Alexander II abolished
serfdom and gave people more legal rights, and encouraged Finnish nationalism for some
reason? Uh but then he was assassinated violently, left bleeding to death with his legs torn away,
his stomach ripped open, and his face mutilated, “And his bowels unplugged and
his bottom burnt off, brave brave brave Tsar Alexander! He’s got about four hours to live.”
So even though Alex II was on his way to passing the first step toward a constitution,
Alex III comes in and gives it a hard no. The feeling in the room was that
it didn’t matter if you were liberal or not, the people just didn’t like their
hereditary overlords so screw the people. So that was young Nicky’s first exposure
to what life was like for the tsar, and his only other real training was
“Father, when I am Tsar, shall I-” “No, none of this, Nicky,
you have a poet’s soul, I cannot bear to take from you your innocence. Go,
travel the world, for it will be decades before I die!”
Alexander III died at age 49, and all Nicholas II had to show for his years
as the crown prince was a sick dragon tattoo he got in Japan.
“All right, I’m your hypothetical PR guy. Now, before we get started, is there anything
I should be aware of?” “Not really, no.”
“Good, no news is good news. I’m gonna start by combing through some of your speeches,
I’ll call you when – what’s this?” “Oh, some posers wanted to integrate
the peasants into local government and make some kind of parliament or something”
“And you’re calling it a… senseless dream, you dummy dumb doodoo heads,
I know what’s best for you” “Too strong?”
“Too strong.” “Your majesty! Your majesty the commoners
all came for the free food outside and there’s been a stampede! A thousand people are dead!”
“That’s bad?” “That’s bad!”
“That’s bad! I’ll offer my condolences-” “Your majesty! We’re having a bangin party with
the French, we can’t just leave them hanging!” “You’re right! To the ballroom, post-haste!”
Things were not off to a great start for Nicholas, as ignoring the demise of a thousand people who
were so hungry they trampled one another to death was generally considered a bad look.
All right, it’s not too late to fix this Not to worry, my ships are headed to Japan
as we speak. What?
Nothing the people love more than a good war, eh? We beat the Japanese, I’m a hero, call it a day.
What makes you think you can take on Japan? My good sir, the Japanese are Asian.
And…? And we are white. (laughing) Ih-hIt’s foolproof!
Your majesty, I mean no disrespect, but… what experience do you have?
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The Russo-Japanese war was a disaster that honestly needs its own video. The Russian
Baltic fleet sailed all the way around the world just to be destroyed by the Japanese,
but to the Russian’s credit they did manage to score a tie with some English fishermen
along the way. Nick believed the whole time that victory was coming any day because God
hates Asian people or something, but when it finally became clear that Russia had lost,
We could always blame the Jews Just keep your hands to yourself, don’t pick
a fight you can’t win, and keep your people happy! Right.
Your majesty! Your majesty! His majesty’s not taking visitors, father.
Please, bring this to his majesty. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ
who signed this piece of paper because we thought maybe he isn’t aware of what things
are like out here. We know he has our best interests at heart, so we want to serve him
faithfully by keeping him informed. Everybody! ~God save the emperor, maintain his glory~
Open fire. ~Guard well his~ Agghggh! Oh God, why?!
The people are revolting!
I told you they stink It’s a revolution!
The people are revolting!? I knew it, they’re all traitors!
The 1905 revolution practically shut down all of Russia’s industry for the year,
until Nicholas finally came out to say “Okay fine! We’ll have a parliament or something”
“Or something” being the operative word here. There were two chambers,
one of which was appointed personally by the Tsar, neither had any real power,
and the Nicholas could veto anything he darn well pleased. The people were not impressed.
All right, okay, uh, why don’t we… you know what, let’s get the people to know the Romanov family
personally. Propaganda’s a powerful thing. Everybody gather round, gather round! Oh yes,
oh charming, everybody smile! Perfect, perfect, who the hell is this guy?!
He’s the family wizard. He looks like he hasn’t
showered since the time of troubles. I’ll have you know he saved my
son’s life! Probably. With magic! Okay… fine… I’m sure the people can
overlook the court wizard - Family wizard.
As long as the economy is on the mend and the people are safe -
Knock knock, world war o’clock! Austrian archduke Franz Ferdinand
was shot by a guy who thought part of Austria-Hungary should be part of Serbia,
Austria-Hungary blames Serbia and goes to war, Russia says “Ah-ah-ah,
we kinda like Serbia because they’re Slavs and Orthodox” Germany says “How about you
back off before I clock you one” Nick says “How about no” and then 2 percent of Russia dies.
I’ll be honest I’m all out of ideas. Nick? …Nick?
Never fear, help is here! Your majesty?
That’s right, I’m stepping in as commander-in-chief,
and I take full responsibility for the rest of this war!
But if you’re out here… who’s leading the country at home?
RA RA RASPUTIN RUSSIA’S GREATEST LOVE MACHINE
It’s a complete disaster! The economy’s in the toilets, 1.7 million Russians are dead,
there’s strikes, and mutinies! If you don’t resign, Russia is going to collapse!
Oh don’t be such a spoilsport. It’s no use. The British have been
telling him the same thing for months. We’ve been telling him the same thing for months.
Protopopov assures me everything is under control. Everything is on fire! They’re parading banners
through the streets that say down with the Tsar! I’ve given orders to close all the streets
and shoot the people if necessary. I think they’ll come to their senses.
The army in St. Petersburg was preoccupied with lighting government buildings on fire. Finally,
the provisional government takes the government away from Nicky and demands
his resignation. Finally Nicholas II abdicates, and leaves the crown and the task of wrangling
together a semi-anarchic empire in collapse to his 13-year-old son. Then changes his
mind a couple hours later because even he realized that was a terrible idea,
and abdicates again on his son’s behalf. He tried to give the crown to his brother,
but his brother wouldn’t touch it with a 12-meter pole. That’s a grinch reference for Europeans.
He looked into the possibility of exile, but the bolsheviks made sure that didn’t happen. Instead
he was placed under house arrest in the palace, which became arrest in the governor’s mansion,
then he was transferred to the ominous “House of Special Purpose”. The Romanovs
were woken at 2 am one morning, and taken to the basement to meet the firing squad.
Ohhhhhhh the purpose is death. Oh come on, you’re killing the servants too,
what’d they ever do to you? PR guy, they got you too!
I’m just a framing device buddy, I came because I wanted to watch.
Most of the soldiers in the squad wanted to be the one to shoot Nicholas,
and the few that shot his daughters had some bullets deflected by all the
jewelry the girls had taken with them. So they proceeded to stab the girls for
20 minutes. The whole operation was sloppy in both literally and metaphorically. Nicky and
his family were buried in a mineshaft, and that was the end of the Romanovs.
But they say, on cold moonless nights, you can still hear the
voice of Nicholas II calling out from the frigid Earth to say “Don’t forget
to use the link in the description to claim your free sign-up bonus from War Thunder”