No fighting skill.
I’ve seen one genuinely great fight in my life
that actually inspired me and encouraged me
and gave me hope for us as a species.
Um, this was way back in 2000. I was--
It was Christmastime, and I was drinking at a bar
above the Roxy on Sunset Boulevard.
There’s a bar above it, it’s called On the Rox.
Get it? ’Cause it’s on top--
So, um--
There’s all these office parties up there. Everyone’s getting plastered.
And then below us in the Roxy, there’s a rock show going on.
And everyone’s doing drugs and drinking.
And then next door is the Rainbow Bar and Grill,
a big heavy metal, headbanger bar, and they’re all getting wasted.
And then 2:00 a.m. rolls around,
“Everyone out in the parking lot. Get your cars. Bar’s closed.”
So all three venues let out at the same time.
Drunk office workers, drunk metal heads, drunk concert goers,
all in a big drunken blob
at 2:00 a.m. on Sunset Strip.
So there’s a group of people, all in suits, clearly an office party.
They’re waiting at valet to get their car, and one of the members of their group
was this black guy who was 5’3”, and I can’t stress this enough,
really wide.
Just this round, roly-poly butterball, with a big, chubby, round face
and his little fat chubby hands.
He’s got a big cigar in his hand. He’s talking with his friends about stuff.
And there they are chatting.
Then out of the Rainbow Bar and Grill come these two big dudes.
Good-looking dudes. Muscular dudes.
Wearing suits, got the collar open, showing off the chest.
One of the guy’s got a cowboy hat on and cowboy boots.
The other guy’s Middle Eastern, got a gold chain. They look good.
They had clearly gone out to get some pussy that night
and no pussy had been got.
[audience laughing]
And you could see the vibe coming off of them,
which was, “We are gonna start a fight.
I wanted-- My skin’s gonna hit skin at one velocity or another tonight.
I tried to go slow and easy.”
So they’re coming out and they walk by this group of office workers.
And the cowboy guy kind of deliberately bumps the black dude.
He keeps walking, but he turns around and goes, “Hey, watch it,” to the guy.
Black guys says…
“Well, you watch it. I’m not moving. You’re moving. I don’t have to watch it.”
[audience laughing]
The-- [chuckles]
The cowboy guy says,
“What?”
Now, had I been the black guy, my response would have been,
“Oh, my God, I’m so completely in the wrong right now.
Please let me apologize to you. I will watch it.
You win. Don’t kill me.”
But the black guy’s response was,
“I said… I don’t have to watch it ’cause I’m not walking.
You’re walking. You watch it.”
The-- [chuckles]
The cowboy guy says, “That’s it motherfucker.
Fucking boots are coming off.”
And he kicks his boots off. I know.
Now this doesn’t happen enough in real life, but you ever--
I love it when a whole group of strangers are hanging out,
even people that wouldn’t normally be friends,
and then a way bigger douche bag shows up.
And just for a second, everyone’s friends, just reacting to the douche bag.
Because suddenly total strangers are like, “Did he say he’s taking his boots off?
You heard that? Okay. Whatever.”
If there had been a Nation of Islam guy and a skinhead, they both would have gone,
“Did he just say he’s taking off his boots? He said that, right?
Okay. I thought I was going crazy.”
So--
Now… [chuckles]
the fucking cowboy guy is now barefoot on the pavement…
snaking in on this dude,
the short 5’3”, wide, chubby black guy.
He looked good doing it. I think this guy fucking knows kung fu.
And he’s fucking moving in. He’s gonna fuck--
The black guy is not reacting.
He’s just standing there with his cigar, watching the guy move in.
The cowboy guy gets right up on him, gets his hands on the black guy’s lapel.
And then the black guy-- He didn’t put his cigar down to do this,
which haunts me till this day.
Cowboy’s got his hands around his lapel, and the black guy just…
picked him up.
And when I say picked him up, I don’t mean he went like-- [straining]
I mean, vroom, off his feet. It took that much effort.
The guy… He was holding the guy over his head,
and then he immediately dropped him.
Now, the--
The cowboy guy’s evening in his mind
did not include being lifted up over someone’s head,
so he only fell five feet,
but he absolutely did not break his fall in any way.
Everything hit, like, nose, chin, knees… just blam on the asphalt.
And then blood.
And he was clearly so much pain that his brain was like,
“We’re not gonna process this. Why don’t you just stand up.”
And so he immediately gets up, he’s like--
He’s still trying to motherfuck the guy, “Fuck you. Come on, man!”
But he’s just barely standing, he’s in so much--
And to his credit, his friend, the Middle Eastern guy, was,
“Ah, we’re good. Thank you.” And grabbed the guys boots.
“Let’s get you in a cab, buddy.” His friend was immediately sober.
“We’ll get you a cab and go right home.”
Pushes his friend in a cab and they ride off.
And now I cannot take my eyes off this black guy.
By the way, when they left, the black guy just turned to his friends,
“So, are we bringing in muffins on Monday for the Christmas party or what are we--”
Like never even again mentioned what had just happened.
So, I can’t take-- I’m like, “What the fuck did I see? What is this?”
It took me a while looking at the guy, and I realize,
“Oh, he’s a powerlifter.”
’Cause real powerlifters, the serious ones,
their bodies, they look like these little chubby guys.
It’s like their torso turns into a bicep.
It’s just one lifting-- It’s like a bicep with a dick and legs.
And that’s his-- that’s his one move, just lift and drop. Like if--
[audience laughing]
Like, “What was your favorite fight you’ve ever seen, Patton?”
“It was like a Street Fighter video game. It was, like, lift and fatality.
Like that was the whole--”
Oh, okay.