- I'm like, "Hell, no, my sister's wearing
Garanimals and fucking Wonder Woman drawers,"
And this bitch got on a big bra with the buckles on the back.
So when I saw her--I just--I just hit the bitch.
I was like, "Pow!" I just started beating her ass.
[dark electronic music]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening"
I'm your host Roy Wood Jr.
We all have that special woman in our life,
the one we like to put up on a pedastal.
- Finger sandwiches, boys?
- Oh, thank you, Mom.
- Go on, little Roy. Make it rain.
- Aww, skeet skeet! - There you go.
♪ ♪
- Now, make sure you separate the ones from the fives.
- I know, Ma. I know.
- Such a gentleman.
- Now I got to pick up the money.
"Separate the bills."
She the one who told me to make it rain.
- That's my boy.
[cheers and applause]
- You know her from her one-woman show,
"Sophisticated Ignorance," She is B-Phlat!
[cheers and applause]
- I was a senior. I'll never forget it.
Senior year, last week of school.
I didn't even have school.
I'm just running around
visiting the other motherfuckers at they school.
So I'm at Webster High School with my best friend.
I'm up there with Vonnie. I'm like, "Girl,
"I'm coming up to your school.
I'm getting myself prepared for college."
'Cause I'm letting y'all know right now,
at that point, I was going to art school.
I knew it in my mind. I had applied.
I was just waiting to get me a scholarship.
Had my little 16 pieces together
for my portfolio review.
I'm ready for my shit.
So I was like, "I'm done. I did my thing.
I'm visiting, motherfuckers. I don't need no more grades."
So I'm thinking I'm cute. You know how it is back
in the '80s, everybody walk around
with they pinky on they mouth.
I'm walking around, next thing I know,
I'm at another school. All I hear is,
"Diane!
Diane."
I said, "Now, wait a minute.
That do not--ooh, that's my Mama."
And I look, and her ass is sweeping up the hallway
up in Webster school, right?
I ain't even know her ass was a janitor.
I ain't know she had these skills.
I ain't seen her in five years.
So now I'm like, "Oh, no, she not fucking talking to me
in front of my friends sweeping up the school."
So I'm just walking. She's talking about,
"I know you hear me calling you."
And "It's your Mama!"
I was like, "Oh, Lord."
Now, you know how kids are. You embarrassed.
I'm like, "Hey, Mama, how you doing?
I ain't even know you was back."
"Oh, I love you. I miss you. How you been?
What you doing?"
And I'm standing there like, "Okay, hurry up with this."
And she's telling--I'm telling her I'm about to go to college.
She don't know none of this shit.
She ain't seen me in five years.
I'm telling her I'm about to go to college,
got my little portfolio together;
she talking about, "Oh, I wanna see it."
You should bring it up to me. Bring it to where I live."
I don't know where the fuck you live.
Give me the address, I'ma bring it, and leave me alone.
'Cause, you know, I'm walking like this. "Get away from me
and my friends."
So I go home, I tell my father, and he upset.
'Cause we didn't even know her ass was back in Missouri.
And I was like, "I'ma go on and take it to her,
"so she can see that I'm, you know,
trying to do something positive."
So he was like, "Well,
let me see the address."
So I let him see the address, and it was in
this new little project area
they had just built in St. Louis.
They had tore down these one projects
and built these new townhouses.
So my father saw the address. He was a little reluctant.
He let me drive his car.
So I was like, "Let me go on and take it down here."
I call my cousin Linda. That's my ride or die.
We ride down here. I was like,
"Let me go on and take this down here
"so my mama can see it
and leave me the fuck alone."
So we get out. I knock on the door.
Some big burly-ass woman come to the door.
This bitch lookin' crazy.
She like, "Can I help you?" I was like, "Yeah.
"I'm here to see Dale, my mother.
Told me to bring..."
She like, "Oh, yeah, come on in."
So I walk in, it's like,
nine grown bitches just standing around
drinking, smoking, listening to Marvin Gaye and shit.
And me and my cousin
we trying to scooch through these motherfuckers.
You feeling like--germs--I was like, "What the fuck?"
So my mother comes sashaying down the motherfucking steps
'cause she all proud now. I'm her daughter.
I done showed up with my portfolio.
She all coming down the steps.
Want me to lay it out and show everybody.
She just bragging. "Oh, my baby did this
"and she drew that, and that's a self portrait,
and my baby did--" And I'm thinking to myself, "Bitch,
you ain't help me do nothin'."
Can I hurry up with this bullshit?
I gotta get my Daddy's car back.
So, you know, she's like, "Well, I'ma take it.
I'ma keep it." I was like,
"Mama, you cannot keep my portfolio down here."
"Well, you can come pick it up from my school.
I wanna show so and so and so and so."
So me, trying not to argue with her ass,
I leave my portfolio with her, 'cause I gotta
get the fuck up out this area.
Lo and behold, next day,
I get a phone call
from my little sister.
She's 11 at the time. I'm, like, 17.
She's on the phone crying, talking about,
"Come down here and get me
because May Cat daughter Chrissy jumped on me."
I'm like, "Who the fuck is Chrissy?"
So I get down there.
Me and Linda, 'cause you know
I'm calling my motherfuckin' cousin.
We get down there.
This big-ass 14-year-old bitch, she got titties like she 24.
Fighting my motherfuckin' 11-year-old sister--
this bitch-- [laughs]
I'm like, "Aw, hell no."
My sister's still wearing Garanimals
and fuckin' Wonder Woman drawers.
And this bitch got on a big bra with the buckles on the back
so when I saw her,
I just--I just hit the bitch. I was like, "Pow!"
I just started beating her ass.
Like, Bitch, you're too big to be jumping
on my little-ass sister.
I was whuppin' her ass. I was like, "Fuck that."
I told my sister, "Get your shit.
Get in the car, and let's go."
So I took her back to my Daddy house.
I called her Daddy.
He came and got her.
"Uh, I don't know what the fuck you think you doing,
"coming down here, jumping on motherfuckers
with your grown ass self."
I said, "Mama, that girl jumped on your daughter,
and she too big to be trying to fight--"
"I don't know, but I know one motherfuckin' thing.
"You better come down here and get your motherfuckin'
portfolio, bitch."
You know back in the day when you can't believe some shit.
You look at the phone--the old-school phone like,
"I know this bitch did not just say..."
I'm--
Y'all know I'm telling the truth.
I said, "Fuck that."
I'm looking at the phone like,
"My mama did not just call me a bitch."
She called me a grown-ass bitch.
"You comin' down--"
I say, "Okay, I got it."
Boom. You know who I'm calling.
My motherfuckin' cousin Linda.
Live up the street.
I said, "Cuz, we ridin' down here to get my portfolio.
Let's go." 'Cause I know my mama.
Ten minutes later, I'm down here in front of May Cat house.
It's all, the lights out.
It's serene.
It's quiet and shit.
I'm lookin' nervous, 'cause no shit be quiet in the projects.
I don't give a fuck how new they are.
And I'm like, "Why they ain't go no lights on?"
So I'm knockin' on the door.
Ain't nobody open the door.
So me and Linda standing there. We bangin'.
Nobody opens the door.
Next thing I hear the motherfuckin' window raise up
on the second floor.
My mama gonna lean out.
"Uh, you ain't welcome down this motherfucker."
"'Cause you too grown to do the shit you did.
"You fuckin' up my situation. You got somewhere to stay.
"I ain't got no motherfuckin' where to stay.
"And you comin' down here causing trouble.
So take your motherfuckin' portfolio."
And she just starting tossing my shit out the window,
one by one.
One picture, one--my shit just floating down like
a kite with no wind, just hitting the ground.
And I'm in fucking amazement, like,
"No, this bitch is not throwing my portfolio pictures--
"my paintings,
every motherfuckin' thing out the window."
And then she tossed the whole fuckin' leather case out there.
So that hit the ground, and I'm trying to pick my shit up.
Next thing you know, May Cat runs out.
This bitch talking about... [stomping]
"And this for jumpin' on my motherfuckin' daughter."
And the bitch just starts stepping all over
my self portrait. It's all fucked up.
Now I'm crying.
And I'm mad.
We had two quarters. Me and my cousin, Linda,
we went to the motherfuckin' payphone up the street.
We called all nine of her sisters with one quarter.
[laughter]
Pumpkin, Jean--everybody knows somebody named Pumpkin--
Jean, Lynn, Azzie, Rhonda, Tisha, cousin Lynn.
We used the other quarter to call
some other motherfuckin' cousins,
waited at the payphone. Jean rolled up.
Two cars of motherfuckers. We rolled right up
in front of that shit.
My cousin Jean got out the car first.
She went up there. Boom, boom, boom.
I don't even know who answered the door, 'cause
whoever the fuck they called first, Jean snatched
the motherfuckin' wig. [whooshes]
Everybody just... [stomps]
We all--we comin' out of nowhere.
Now people running out the house.
We fighting like a motherfucker.
I was like, "Fuck this."
And my mama, she don't even wanna come out.
'Cause she embarrassed,
but then her friends started getting fucked up.
So she had to come out and help.
So we started fucking her up,
'cause you out here helping your friends that fucked me up
and I'm your daughter.
So now we just... [stomping]
We rumblin' like a m--
I don't even know how long this shit went on.
It might have been on 10, 15 minutes.
Somebody called the police.
Paddy wagon come, two of 'em. They takin' this half.
They take me.
My cousins, all of us--we down at the motherfuckin'
police station just all in a big rumble.
They wanna know what's going on.
I ain't even have to say shit.
I let them see my motherfuckin' portfolio.
And then they can understand what had to go down.
So they let everybody go.
They couldn't let me go, 'cause I'm a minor,
and they wanna release me to a parent.
And my dumbass mama talking about, "Oh, I'm right here.
You can release her to me."
And they're looking at her like, "Bitch, please."
Ain't nobody--bitch, you the reason why she here.
Ain't nobody gonna release her to you.
I was like--so I had to wait on my daddy,
and I'm like, "Oh, shit. I don't even know how I'm gonna
explain this to my father."
So my father comes and get me.
I'm all crying. I'm mad. I don't even know what to do.
'Cause all I can think in the back of my mind is,
"I'm not gonna get into college."
'Cause my portfolio is fucked up.
I got a review in a week.
I don't even know what I'ma tell these people.
I'm just like, "Fuck it."
Maybe I'm just gonna be working at UPS.
I ain't gonna get no fuckin'--
So when my Dad picked me up,
I thought he was gonna be mad and angry.
He didn't even say shit.
And when a person don't say nothing,
you don't know what's on they mind and what they thinking.
You really start to be nervous.
'Cause all I could hear him saying, "Look, I told you
"not to take your ass down there,
and you know your fuckin' mama throw it off."
All that, I didn't wanna hear that.
He didn't say shit.
Soon as we got in the house, he said,
"Let me see your portfolio."
And he laid it out on the kitchen table.
He was like, "You know what,
"I'm gonna help you get your shit together.
We gonna work it out."
My Daddy helped me tape up my pictures.
We was fixing shit, touching shit up.
He was like, "You gonna get that damn scholarship,
'cause I ain't got it."
[laughter] "So your ass is gonna get it!"
And I'm thinking to myself,
"I am not going to this portfolio review
with my shit looking like this."
But he made me go. My father made me go.
He took me, and I was like, "Aw, God. I'm nervous."
I get out. I'm sitting in the hallway.
I got my portfolio. They called me into the room.
Full of white people in there.
I'm standing there like, "Oh, Lord."
They gonna be looking at me like, "Oh, this nigga shit."
When they see my portfolio all fucked up,
this is more than the dog at the homework.
I can't even say no shit like that.
So I'm--they had the little easel,
you know, for you to bring your shit out.
Oh, I opened up my shit,
I pulled out my self portrait.
Now, this the one with the big-ass footprint on it.
Right on my--right on the forehead.
So I just set it up on the thing.
I w--they didn't even give me an opportunity to explain.
They said, "Can you just step out in the hallway
for a second?"
And now I'm like, "Aw, what the fuck?"
So I'm sitting in the hallway talking to my dad.
You know, how you're nervous,
you're not sure what's going on.
I'm just sitting there like, "What the fuck?"
They taking forever. They're not asking me shit.
I'm just in the hallway.
The lady comes out about 20 minutes later,
gives me my portfolio back,
and she said, "We'll be in touch with you."
So now I'm riding home like, "What the fuck do that mean?"
They ain't ask me no questions.
They probably looked at my shit like,
"We ain't got time for this nigga shit."
They made me sit out here for no reason.
So now I'm really angry. I'm thinking
of all kind of ways I can get back at my mama.
I was like, "I'ma call up her job,"
Fuck that--"I'm getting that bitch fired.
"I'm--I'ma tell them she got three IDs.
"She ain't got no GED.
"She a alcoholic.
And she been bringing home toilet paper from the school."
[laughs]
I was thinking of all kind of shit...
to get her ass fired.
So...
[laughing]
About a month later,
I got a letter in the mail from Fontbonne College.
And it said I got a partial scholarship.
I ain't even see the word "partial."
All I saw was "scholarship" on the motherfucker.
I don't know what it was.
But I was so fuckin' happy.
I was like, "Oh, shit!"
I got in!
Now, I failed to mention that I have always been a scrapbooker.
I love to scrapbook about--since fourth grade.
So I copy every fuckin' thing.
Even today, I was like, "Oh, get me a copy of these papers."
I need a copy of everything.
So I had copied everything.
I keep everything. When I got that letter,
I wrote on that letter, "I got in, bitch!"
[laughter]
And I took it straight to the post office,
and I mailed the motherfucker to May Cat house.
I was like, "Oh, she gonna get this motherfucker.
"I'm letting her know despite all the bullshit
"y'all did to me,
I still got in."
I mailed the motherfucking letter.
It came back a week later.
I was like, "Aw, this bitch done moved again."
So she moved again.
Never got the letter. She didn't even fuckin' know.
So here it is four years later.
I'm graduating from college.
I get a call a week before my graduation from my mama.
I don't even know where she was.
I ain't know how she knew I was graduating.
All she wanted to do was come
and see me walk across the stage.
And I'm thinking to myself,
"Oh, you gonna fuck my graduation up."
But I can't stop your ass from coming, 'cause you know
about it, obviously.
So my mother comes to the graduation.
I'm there with my dad, my stepmom.
And I see her walking up.
I done already crossed the stage.
I'm holding my degree.
I knew her ass was coming.
And I had that motherfucking letter.
[laughter]
I had the letter.
I pulled it out of my motherfuckin' scrapbook.
I was like, "Yeah, she gonna get this letter."
She gonna get this motherfuckin' letter.
So she steps to me, wanna hug me, all this fake shit,
and I'm just feeling like, "Eww."
So she hugging me,
"Oh, let me take a picture with you and your degree."
I was like, "You can take a picture with me
and this motherfuckin' letter."
[laughter]
And I gave her ass that letter.
I did not take no picture.
I was like, "Fuck that. I am outta here."
And I left quickly, 'cause I knew if my mama
open that letter up while I was standing there,
she would fuck me up.
So I gave her that letter. I was like,
"You can take a picture with that."
I had to get on out of there.
I'm letting y'all know right now
it--because of her, all the bad shit that happened to me
made me the good motherfucker that I am today.
So I tell people all the time,
"Do your thing. You never know what's gonna be
the catalyst in your life."
That's my story. I hope y'all enjoyed.
[cheers and applause]
- B-motherfucking-Phlat!
♪ ♪