WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD WEEKEND, THOUGH GIVEN WHAT IS GOING ON IN
THE WORLD, THAT'S A TALL ORDER.
I WANTED TO START MY SHOW TONIGHT BY ONCE AGAIN OFFERING
OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO THE PEOPLE OF PARIS.
NEW YORK IS A CITY THAT SADLY KNOWS TOO WELL THE HORROR THE
FRENCH EXPERIENCED ON FRIDAY.
AND WE ALSO KNOW THERE ARE NO WORDS THAT CAN REACH THE DEPTHS
OF THEIR GRIEVE AND THEIR SHOCK.
BUT WE STAND WITH THE PEOPLE OF FRANCE AS A FRIEND AND AN ALLY
AND OFFER THE HOPE THAT THERE IS A WAY THROUGH THE UNSPEAKABLE
TRAGEDY.
AND ALSO LET'S TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO THANK FRANCE FOR
WHAT THEY'VE DONE FOR US.
THEY'VE GIVEN THE UNITED STATES SO MUCH OVER THE YEARS, AID TO
GENERAL WASHINGTON IN OUR FIGHT FOR INDEPENDENCE.
KEY INTELLIGENCE ON HOW TO PUT POTATOES IN BOILING OIL.
MY FAVORITE WAY OF KISSING.
(LAUGHTER) HALF THE CONTINENT AT A BARGAIN
PRICE, NO TAKEBACKS, GUYS.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, FRANCE GAVE AMERICA OUR ENDURING SYMBOL
OF FREEDOM.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: AND WE USE-- YES, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
BECAUSE WE HAVE USED THAT FREEDOM TO MAKE FOAM VERSIONS OF
IT FOR DRUNK PEOPLE TO WEAR ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
AND TODAY IN A TRIBUTE TO ITS MOTHER COUNTRY, LADY LIBERTY
OFFERED ISIS A FITTING GESTURE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEAH.
LONG MAY IT WAVE.
IN FACT, ALL OVER THE WORLD THIS WEEKEND THERE WERE DISPLAYS AND
SUPPORT FOR THE FRERCHG.
ON THE SYDNEY OPERAHOUSE, RIO'S CHRIST THE REDEEMER AND THE
PARIS LAS VEGAS HOTEL DIMMED THEIR EIFFEL TO YOUER LIGHTS,
WHILE SOME SAY THESE GESTURES DON'T DO ANYTHING, BUT I
DISAGREE.
PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO FIND ANYWAY THEY CAN TO SHOW SUPPORT HOWEVER
SMALL TO THE PEOPLE OF FRANCE.
FOR INSTANCE, TWITTER WAS DELUGED WITH STATEMENTS OF
SUPPORT FROM PRAY FOR PARIS.
TO MESSAGES LIKE IN SUPPORT OF WHAT IS HAPPENING IN PARIS, MY
WIFE AN ARE YOU WATCHING HASHTAG RATATOILLE.
AND WATCHING RATATOILLE TO HONOR ALL THE CITIZENS OF PARIS.
IS THAT WRONG?
NO.
(LAUGHTER) IS RAT A TOOEE A FRENCH FILM?
NO.
IS IT A VALID EXPRESSION?
ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE WATCHING A CARTOON PARISIENNE RAT MAKE SOUP
IS CERTAINLY AS VALID AS ANYTHING I WILL SAY TONIGHT, I
PROMISE YOU THAT.
SO IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL A CONNECTION TO THE PEOPLE OF
PARIS, GO DRINK A BOTTLE OF BORDEAUX, EAT A CROISSANT AT AU
BON PAIN.
SLAP ON A BERET AND SMOKE A CIGARETTE LIKE THIS.
GO EAT SOME FRENCH FRIES WHICH I AM NOW CALLING FREEDOM FRIES IN
HONOR OF THE FRENCH PEOPLE BECAUSE ANYTHING--
(APPLAUSE) ANYTHING, ANYTHING THAT IS AN
ATTEMPT AT HUMAN CONNECTION IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW IS POSITIVE.
DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING AND NOT TRY TO KILL SOMEONE?
THEN YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO.
LOOK AT ME.
TONIGHT I HAVE ACRO-CATS ON THE SHOW.
(APPLAUSE) THEY'RE AMAZING.
THEY'RE THE AMAZING ACROBATIC CATS.
THEY WERE ALREADY BOOKED, OKAY.
WE HAD ALREADY BOOKED THEM.
AND WE CONSIDERED CANCELING.
WE ASKED OURSELVES, IS TONIGHT AN APPROPRIATE TIME FOR
ACRO-CATS.
AND THEN WE ASKED A BIGGER QUESTION.
IS THERE EVER AN APPROPRIATE TIME FOR ACRO-CATS?
NO, THERE IS NOT.
(APPLAUSE) SO WE SAID ABSOLUTELY, LET'S
HAVE THEM ON.
BECAUSE I TELL YOU WHAT, I DON'T THINK ISIS WOULD LIKE ACRO-CATS.
I DON'T.
THEY'RE CUTE AND THEY'RE SILLY, TWO THINGS ISIS HATES.
IN FACT, THE ONLY THING THAT THEY HAVE IN COMMON WITH ISIS IS
THAT THEY ARE A BUNCH OF PUSSIES.