Thanks to Donald "junta" Trump,
we just don't have enough time
to cover some of the more fun stories.
For instance, The Washington Post is reporting
that the prime minister of Israel,
Benjamin Netanyahu, has been
bringing suitcases full of dirty laundry with him
whenever he visits the U.S.
And he does this because all the laundry gets cleaned for free
by the president's staff at the White House.
Which is pretty wild.
I mean, this guy runs a country
and he's treating the White House like a college freshman
visiting his parents for the weekend?
It also probably explains why Netanyahu
is suddenly signing all these peace deals.
Shit, I'm out of clean underwear.
Yo, Bahrain, meet me at the White House.
In social media news, an app called Gradient
is accused of promoting digital blackface
for letting users see
what they would look like as other races.
And, look, I don't know if this counts as blackface,
but I do know this counts as a shitty app, because
that is not what you would look like as a black person,
that's just another person.
Also, if you're a white person, you don't need a filter
to see what you would look like as a European.
That's what you is.
And then, in coronavirus is ruining everything news,
it was just announced that the annual
New Year's Eve ball drop in Times Square
will be going virtual this year.
Which means now, if you want to pee your pants
waiting for midnight, you're gonna have to do it at home.
And I'll say this: canceling New Year's Eve is a great call.
Yeah, I said it. I've learned my lesson with 2020.
From now on, I'm not celebrating a year
before we get to see if it's good first. Yeah.
We should see how 2021 goes,
then decide whether or not we want to throw it a party.
You have to earn the right for me to celebrate you
by vomiting in Times Square from drinking too many White Claws.
It's a privilege.
But I'll be honest, folks-- it's hard to care too much
about ball drops or dirty laundry
or whatever Asian Scott Disick is up to
when the world's oldest democracy
is about to become the world's newest dictatorship.
Never in the mystery of this country has there not been
a peaceful transfer of power after a presidential election,
but now president Trump is suggesting he might not accept
the election results if he is not the winner.
NEWSMAN: The president is taking a position on this issue
that is not just unprecedented, but critics warn
it is dangerous-- refusing to endorse
one of the most basic tenets of American democracy.
Will you commit to making sure that there is a peaceful
transferral of power after the election?
Well, we're gonna have to see what happens.
You know that I've been complaining very strongly
about the ballots, and the ballots are a disaster, and...
-and... -I understand that, but people are rioting.
Do you commit to making sure
that there's a peaceful transferral of power?
We want to get rid of the ballots and you'll have
a very transf... you'll have a very peaceful...
there won't be a transfer, frankly,
there'll be a continuation.
Holy shit.
I never thought I would see the day
where an American president
would threaten to not accept an election defeat.
Because, let's be honest-- this is something you hear about
in some random country
where America steps in to enforce democracy.
I feel like now it's only fair that those countries
should send peacekeepers to the U.S.
Well, well, well-- refusing to give up power,
rampant disease and high unemployment.
Who's the shithole now, huh?
I will say, man, Donald Trump has gone on quite the journey.
The man spent his entire life as one of the world's
most famous landlords and now he's turning into
the world's most famous squatter.
I bet even if Joe Biden wins they're gonna find Trump
in the White House basement someday,
living that Parasite life.
But on the real, though, this is a legit problem.
Because a peaceful transfer of power
is the cornerstone of a healthy democracy.
And by Trump saying that he refuses to leave peacefully,
he's basically threatening a coup.
I mean, unless maybe what he means is that he will leave
but he just thinks it's more interesting if there's a fight
on the way out.
Which I don't totally disagree with.
Can you imagine how fun it would be if the incoming president
always had to to fistfight the outgoing president? Yeah?
Biden and Trump are gonna be at the White House
re-creating the geriatric fights from The Irishman
while Kamala Harris
has Mike Pence in a headlock?
Oh, no, my hair grazed her bosom.
Now it's going to hell.
And, guys, I really hope
that there is a peaceful transition of power.
'Cause I don't know about you,
but I am not in good enough shape to fight a civil war now.
Yeah. I've been trapped inside my house for months.
I'm not working out.
It's like I'm a caterpillar that went into a cocoon
and then came out as an even shittier caterpillar.
Now, look, if you've paid any attention to Donald Trump
over the past five years, it's no surprise
that he likes the idea of being a dictator.
I mean, he's written more love letters
to Kim Jong Un than his own wife.
The question is will other Republicans
allow him to get away with it?
And today, several heavy hitters responded.
NEWSWOMAN: Republican lawmakers defending the idea
of a peaceful transfer of power,
but unwilling to attack the president directly.
Senator Mitt Romney tweeting...
NEWSWOMAN 2: We just got a tweet from Marco Rubio also,
who says, "As we have done for over two centuries,
we will have a legitimate and fair election."
NEWSWOMAN 3: Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
tweeted this: "There will be an orderly transition
just as there has been every four years since 1792."
Oh, thank God.
Whew.
Mitch McConnell says
the election results will be honored,
and if there's one person whose word we can trust,
it's Mitch McConnell.
A Mitch McConnell promise
is as trustworthy as a husband with glitter on his face.
Because now he says the winner of the election
will be inaugurated.
But you know that if Biden wins,
he's just gonna come out on November 4th like,
"Uh, in November 2016 the American people had their say.
Uh, we can't just erase that now."
(groaning as McConnell)
"They voted once, so why should, why should they vote again?"
(groans)
At this point, there is nothing
the GOP can do to put people at ease.
Because they try and do this,
they try and reassure people all the time.
And then what do they do?
They always end up backing Trump.
The GOP treats Americans like a dog being taken to the vet.
Yeah, you tell him that you're going to the park,
and then, before he knows it,
he's waking up on a table and his balls are gone.
Now, after 250 years, Americans have grown
somewhat attached to living in a democracy,
so a lot of them are understandably pretty upset
about what happened,
and usually when Americans are angry at Trump,
they don't have a chance to tell him directly,
but it just so happens that today Trump went out
to pay respects to the late RBG,
and the people who were there,
well, they let him know exactly how they felt.
NEWSWOMAN: President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump
arrived at the Supreme Court Thursday morning
to pay their respects to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Mourners waiting in line to do the same booed and chanted
when they saw the president had arrived.
(crowd jeering)
Ooh, that must suck.
It's like Trump's Twitter mentions turned up in real life.
Do you know how bad you have to be to get booed at a funeral?
Basically, people are like,
"Two things have happened here: death and you!
And you're the one we're going to boo!"
Although Trump is so oblivious,
he probably turned to Melania as they left and was like,
"What did you do to those people, Melania?
They didn't like you. They didn't like you at all."
But I will say this, though: kudos to the president.
I mean, I half expected him to kick RBG's coffin over
and start cursing at the crowd,
but instead he kept his composure.
It almost makes me wonder: what was going through his head?
CROWD: Vote him out!
Vote him out! Vote him out!
You simply can't comprehend the genius of Donald Trump.
Our president has no fear.
This is our best president in my memory.
You bought us valuable time
by taking that strong action, Mr. President.
You were brave, you were-- it was unprecedented.
He is smart, he is filled with energy.
Nobody is a close second, uh, and he gets more done in a day
than any other president I've been aware of,
uh, o-over the course of-of my life.
My father isn't deterred by defeatist thinkers.
The word "impossible," well, it only motivates him.
Ah, of course, he went to his happy place.
But although booing him might make some people feel better,
Trump refusing to say that he would leave office if he loses
is a scary thought.
Because who knows what could happen with that kind of threat?
Well, for more on this, let's talk to a man
who's repeatedly refused to leave his apartment
when his lease was up: our very own Roy Wood Jr.
Roy, I need your advice on this, man.
What do you make of Donald Trump's comments?
Because a lot of people are worried
that this could lead to Election Day violence.
Man, I'm not worried about that, man.
Trump says crazy stuff all the time.
That's what he does, man.
This ain't that big of a deal.
Henry, pack your shit!
Come on, son, we got to move.
Um, okay, Roy, that's surprising that that's your point of view.
So you're not worried that Trump
is going to refuse to leave office?
No, no, no, no, man, I'm not worried.
In fact, Trevor, everybody should stay calm
and remain at home
and don't go out blocking the roads with the protests
or anything like that, especially the road
between New York City and the Canadian border.
-(phone ringing) -Oh, that's my phone.
Hang on, man.
Francois, what's up, baby?
You got a room for me in Montreal or no?
(man speaking indistinctly over phone)
All right, that's what's up.
My dawg, I knew you'd come through.
All right, I'll hit you, I'll hit you when...
when we're on the road.
Roy, what, what's going on over there?
It looks like you're packing for a big trip.
No, I'm just testing my bag.
You ain't never tested your bag
just to make sure that the clothes...?
50 pounds... You ain't never...?
Look, it's not like I'm about to leave America
before Donald Trump declares himself king for life.
And even if he was going to do that, Trevor,
don't you trust his fellow Republicans to stand up to him?
Well, you know, when you put it like that,
it actually makes me more worried.
No, no, no, Trevor, don't be worried.
This is America.
We're going to get through this, man, you can bank on it.
Which reminds me, I need to close my bank accounts.
Hey, I got to bounce, man.
I'm gonna get with you, brother.
Okay, Roy, why would you...? You know what?
I'll-I'll-I'll check in with you later on the show.
Does that sound good?
I mean, you can do whatever you want, man,
but you ain't gonna see me again.
Listen, everybody just needs to stay calm
and remember that we're going to get through this.
Henry, come on, son, just grab a toy!
Goddamn!
Roy?
Huh, Roy Wood Jr., everyone.