[crow cawing]
Ser Kristaps, are you excited about your new Lord Commander Fizdale?
Looks like House Knicks won’t be getting rooked any time soon. Huh?
[crow cawing]
Fizdale hates European big men!
Don’t listen to it
Crows are all liars
[crow cawing]
Joakim Noah has a shit contract
Well, OK, not all crows
I know a story about a bird
His name was Larry, and his hair was fair just like yours
But he had a third eye that could see into the future
Also a bad back
I hate your stories
I know a story about a child who hated stories
I also know a story about a Chris Childs who punched Kobes
I could tell you about Ser Ewing the Sweaty
Those were always your favorite
Those weren’t my favorites
I could tell you the tale of Starbury shaggin’ in his wagon with the marketing apprentice
Is this the sort of salacious and flirtatious story you like?
Uh...no?
Maybe you’d like a scary story
[scoffs] Think you can scare me, Walt...Clyde...whatever your name is?
There is nothing more frightening than being the second option to Carmelo in the triangle
Oh, my sweet Latvian child
What do you know about fear?
Fear is for the elders who’ve suffered through the entire reign of James Dolan
Fanlings are born and live and die, all without seeing a playoff win or a decent draft pick
It was in this darkness
that Isiah Thomas gave a 5-year contract to Jerome “Big Snacks” James
Who?
Exactly
That is the time for fear, my lanky lord
Watching Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis and Jamal Crawford
three shoot-first guards—try to coexist in the same backcourt
Draft picks busting in their cribs
Bloated contracts for bloated players
Women smothered their babies
rather than see them watch Eddy Curry get paid 60 million gold
to eat freakin’ lemon cakes on the bench
And don’t get me started with Bargnani!
Fear is for Lord Dolan playing lute,
and having to tell him he’s razzlin’ and dazzlin’ when inside you’re crying and dying
but you keep lying and complying because it’s terrifying and—
[knocking]
[lute strumming]
Oh...
Did I just hear...Lord...ah...Dolan roll–roll in?
Hello, yes, it is I, Lord Dolan
Just wanted to stop and sing Kristaps here a little cheer-up song
Oh, how delightful and exciteful
[clears throat]
Here we go
[lute playing]
[singing] Better find a sept
[singing] A good place to cry
[singing] ‘Cause we’re not going to tank or play Frank Ntilikina ‘cause Mudiay’s our guy
[singing] Better find a sept
[singing] A good place to pray for all your sins
[singing] Will I overpay Trey Burke?
[singing] Or let him walk away like Jeremy Lin (that jerk!)
[singing] And Oakley is still not welcome back
[singing] Maybe I’ll re-sign Jarrett Jack
[singing] Hell, I’ll pay the luxury tax
[singing] to give Tyreke Evans a max five-year contract
[singing] Ooo!
[singing] I should bring Isiah Thomas back,
[singing] and the small one, too, for a longer deal
[singing] I think Elfrid Payton is the next Bradley Beal
All right, Krislaps Porzmingis
Time for you to hurry up and heal
A little birdie told me Fizdale hates his European big men
[laughs]
Talk to you later, buddy
See you in Lithuania
Where's Oakley? I want to kick him!