- When you look around and you see
that you're the biggest person in the room,
or that at least that's your perception of what's going on,
it kind of makes you want to hide yourself.
And I think that's why I've pushed so (bleep) much now
to put myself in that position.
That's why I do this.
That's why I'm here today, is because I'm like, yes
you can be that bitch.
(orchestral music)
(footsteps)
- [Narrator] Hello.
- Hi.
- [Narrator] Introduce yourself.
- I'm Carter.
I'm 21 years old.
- Islah, 23 years old.
- I'm Kayla.
I'm 30 years old and I'm here to do a nude portrait.
- [Narrator] Have you ever done a portrait before?
- I have not.
- [Narrator] So you haven't done a nude portrait before.
- No.
- [Narrator] What are you expecting out of the experience?
- I'm hoping this is kind of therapeutic,
because lately I have been
struggling with body image.
- I've been through a lot,
and I think that it's something
for me to be able to look back on and enjoy.
- [Narrator] Go ahead and step back there
and get into your robe.
- Alrighty.
(orchestral music)
- [Narrator] Alexa will step in
and start taking photos when you're ready.
- Ooh, this is weird.
- Yeah.
(camera snapping) (orchestral music)
(wine pouring into glass)
(glass thuds on table)
- And... I can get started?
- [Narrator] Yeah, you can get started.
(paintbrush stroking easel) (light orchestral music)
- [Narrator] Have you always been comfortable
showing your naked body?
- No. When I was a kid, I was like, 'no!'
- [Narrator] I'm wondering if you can name kind of
big moments you've had in your physical life?
- Well, story starts out really dark.
I was dealing with sexual abuse,
so that's not a good start.
- Around five is when I started realizing that my body
was different than others.
I had a keloid that was
in a private area and I had to have it removed, twice.
- From the time I was in kindergarten,
I had people who were friends with me just so
that I could give them piggyback rides
and shit like that.
That's what it's like, if you're a big boy
they're like, yeah, that, I wanna ride on you.
I'm like, what?
- [Narrator] How were you taught to think about your body?
- Be thin, be pale.
- [Narrator] Any positive ways
that you were raised you think?
- In terms of body image?
- [Narrator] Yeah.
- No.
- I grew up in the suburbs.
I was one of three black people
in my elementary school.
And so I did for awhile,
feel like if I could change
the color of my skin, I would.
- [Narrator] Do you still feel that way?
- No.
- I was like, if you're fat,
there's nothing else you can be,
that's it.
And then I goddamn played Tracy Turnblad in Hairspray!
I had to scream and shout from the hilltops,
I am fat and I am proud, you know?
Cause that is what she stands for.
And she was a huge fucking icon for me as a kid.
There's no fat people on TV,
so I was like, that's the one.
- I think when I became sexually explorative,
that is when I felt like I was
starting to reclaim some of my body
that I felt like I had lost to abuse.
- I was make fun of a lot for being a virgin
which I think really messed with me mentally about my body
because I was kinda like, why am I not wanted?
But how do you start dating
when you don't like yourself?
And so I wound up getting an STD
from this person, right out the bat.
And I felt very used.
- [Narrator] What's the first time you were
impressed with your body?
- I was actually on the girls swim team,
and I was incredibly fast.
- My calves bro?
Like, don't play with me, bro.
- I'm pretty proud of the fact
that I am considered an overweight person and unhealthy.
For me to have so much dislike, or distaste for my body,
and my body not to give up on me, says a lot.
- [Narrator] Tell me about a time that
you felt betrayed by your body.
- Since I came out as non-binary,
realized I was non-binary,
I don't know how you say that
I feel kind of betrayed every time I have my period.
Cause I feel like it doesn't apply to me.
Like, don't play me like this,
I have important things to do.
- My tush is quite small.
I heard that women still are
physically developing by 25.
So I'm like, please give me some hips.
- [Narrator] Do you have scars you're proud of?
- You would think I would hate them.
But my keloid scars...
my last boyfriend also had keloids,
and so I thought it was cool
to find another person.
And I was able to kind of accept myself in that way.
- I was 17 when I became pregnant.
I went from 108 pounds at the start to 200 pounds.
My stomach has some serious stretch marks.
Now I'm proud of my stretch marks.
- All my stretch marks are beautiful.
They're super shiny.
And they look like lightning.
- [Narrator] What's your relationship to your body now?
- I'm not going to lie and be like,
Oh, I'm completely at peace
with where my body is right now
because I'm not, by any means.
But I think that I am healthier than ever.
I am fitter than I've ever been.
- During quarantine,
I've lost a shit-ton of weight
because I didn't have enough money
to fucking feed myself.
I've been having a really hard time with that
because I've been fat my whole fucking life.
So for me to feel like it's slipping away from me,
terrified me, terrified me.
I was like, who the fuck?
Literally Mulan.
♪ Who is that bitch I see? ♪
- I think having a daughter has really forced me to
reflect more on how I speak about myself.
At least in front of her.
I put on such a freaking front, and you know what?
I do it all over social media, you know?
You're beautiful, the way that you are.
I just hope that if I continue to do that
maybe one day I'll believe it in myself.
- I've thought so little of myself and my body
for so many years, there are days when I look in the mirror
and I'm just like, no, not today.
And then there's days where,
today, where I do something completely out of the norm,
completely something I would have never thought to do
in a million years in front of anybody.
But it's kind of cleansing.
It's cleansing.
It's nice.
Honestly I'm trying my hardest
not to cry because it's emotional.
- [Narrator] Is painting right now to helping you not cry?
- Yes. Because I'm concentrating on something else.
(Narrator and Kayla laugh)
- I feel like it's kind of mischievous or...
- [Narrator] Alright, will you show camera?
- Yeah.
I think the yellow spots kind of make me look like an ogre
and I always loved Fiona so much because
have you ever met anybody who does the
reverse frickin make-over where
they stay being the fat bitch and
they don't get some random makeover that makes them skinny.
I'm like, bro, that's lit.
- I purposely didn't do my face
because I wanted to focus more
on my body.
I liked my breasts in this photo.
I liked the shape of them.
They looked a little higher up, which was nice.
Made me feel good about myself.
- I really tried with the booty pop
when I was posing.
I don't know how well this is working.
- [Narrator] What's going on with the head?
- Let's just make it a jumbled mess.
Just like me.
I'm just this jumbled mess.
- [Narrator] How was this today?
- It was liberating.
I wasn't nervous.
I didn't feel awkward or out of place.
- [Narrator] Did you expect to?
I did.
I definitely thought I was going to have
a whole complete nervous breakdown.
- [Narrator] Kayla, thank you very much.
(applause)
- Thank you for having me.
I really enjoyed the shoot.
- [Narrator] Sweet!
- It's cute.
(slurps drink)