-Now, y'all, can I be real with you?
I'm good at a lot of things, okay?
But if there's one thing I'm not good at, it's relationships.
[ Laughter ]
I never really believed good relationships existed.
But now as I'm getting older
and all my friends are starting to couple up,
I'm realizing I need to get better at dating.
Let's be real, y'all.
I'm bored. I'm lonely.
I need to put someone else on my will besides my dog Scarbro.
You feel me? [ Laughter ]
As an adult, no one asks you to be their girlfriend.
You just wait until you have to be introduced to their friend
and see what they say.
[ Laughter ]
Like, "Oh, hey, Brandon, who is this?"
"This is my, uh, co-worker Lilly."
And I'm just like, "Co-worker?!"
I did all the work. You just laid there.
Calling me co-worker. Please, please!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's strange how dating changes as you get older.
In your 20s, you date people for who they can become.
In your 30s, you date people for whatever it is they are.
[ Laughter ]
Like, in your 20s, you date rap's next big superstar.
In your 30s, you date a Best Buy manager who raps on the side.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And now that I'm in my 30s,
I've gotten a lot less selective about the people I date.
At this point, I don't care if someone's cool.
I want to know if they're sustainable.
[ Cheers and applause ] Straight up.
Because I used to be shopping for a Ferrari.
Now I'm looking for a Prius.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Dependable, no drama, and not a lot of gas.
You feel me? [ Laughter ]
There are so many stages of a relationship.
Let's break them down.
Stage one, the crush.
This is the beginning stage
where you get butterflies every time you think of your crush.
It's a short stage,
and it can end pretty quickly if something catastrophic happens.
Like, I don't know, you find out they're married or even worse,
they don't eat carbs. [ Laughter ]
Which in L.A., let's be real, Jeffrey, I'm looking at you.
Okay? [ Laughter and applause ]
But if you and your crush manage to make it official,
you get to stage two, dating.
[ Crowd cheers ]
And this is the phase where you have to establish the parameters
of the relationship. You feel me?
Because these days,
there's a whole new set of rules to dating.
It's not just,
"Do you want to be my boyfriend or girlfriend?" anymore.
No. It's like, "Are you banging other people? And how many?
Should I also be banging other people?
How many people can I bang?
How do they identify? What are their pronouns, y'all?"
It's a whole world out there.
It's so confusing. [ Applause ]
And if you manage to bang exclusively,
you get to stage three, the honeymoon stage, mm-hmm.
The honeymoon stage is the first couple of months
of the relationship where you start to have
delusional thoughts like,
"I'm probably gonna marry this person."
[ Laughter ]
But then you're brought down to Earth when you realized
you actually don't know basic details about them.
Like you find out his middle name is Rupert.
And you're just quietly deciding,
"Can I stand this for the next 40 years?"
[ Laughter ]
-I did. -Wow.
Did you know someone named Rupert?
That was way too relatable over here.
[ Laughter ]
Once you get serious with someone,
you're bound to hit a couple bumps in the road.
And that leads us to stage four, the first fight.
Mm-hmm. [ Audience ohs ]
This is a gigantic stage for a relationship
because during the fight, you're like,
"Was I completely wrong about this person?"
But then they say the two most beautiful words you can say
in a relationship and they make it all better.
No, it's not "I'm sorry."
For a woman, it's "You're right."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Music to my ears.
After hearing those words, you can perfectly transition
to stage 4.5, makeup sex.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You'll survive that first fight because makeup sex
is the most powerful sex in the world.
[ Women cheer ]
They know what's up. [ Laughter ]
Makeup sex is like that moment in "Street Fighter"
where you both punch each other at the same time
and you fly backwards just like, "Hadouken! Uhh!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, my God.
For some reason I imagined Blanka, you know, the green one,
and got more turned on. That's weird. Okay.
[ Laughter ]
And once you get through that, you get to my favorite stage
of a relationship, the sweatpants stage.
[ Applause ]
This means you've gotten to a place
where you're totally comfortable with each other
and looks don't matter
and most importantly, you can start to eat cheese again.
[ Laughter ]
Which gets us to the most exciting stage.
Because look, we all know that one couple
that is "couple goals," you know?
They finish each other's sentences.
They make each other laugh. They're just adorable.
And everyone always asks them, "How do you make it work?"
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But you know what everyone is actually wondering?
You wonder the same thing when you see a couple.
It's like, "Do they fart in front of each other yet?"