- Just the name, "Chick-Fil-A."
It sounds like a French lesbian bar.
(laughter)
- Why would I not wanna go there?
(cruising rock music)
- We get in fights, you know, still.
And when you're married for a long time,
fighting is just, it can happen.
It's open 24 hours, basically.
At any time.
We got in a fight recently at 3:00 AM.
We woke up to get in this fight.
(laughter)
We have a dog, and our dog freaks out when it thunders.
And so we have sedatives to give her
because there's only so many times
you can tell a dog it's just thunder,
before you're like, "She's not getting it," you know?
And you're like, "Just take this."
All right?
So I woke up, I had to wake my wife up
and I was like, "Hey, where are the sedatives at?"
And she was like, "They're the top of the cabinet."
So I go get 'em,
I looked at the bottle
and the bottle said they were expired.
So I had to wake my wife back up
and I was like, "Hey, these say they're expired."
And she was like, annoyed.
She was like, "They're not expired, all right?
They're new pills in an old pill bottle."
And I was like, "All right, I should have thought of that."
You know? That's my fault.
(audience laughing and clapping)
I mean, we have people come to our house all the time
and they get milk and they're like, "Is this milk expired?"
And I have to go, "That's new milk in an old milk jug,
are you the stupidest person I've ever met?
Why? Why would you not assume that's what it is?"
- No, it was awful.
It was, I don't know.
It was one of those breakups where it's like,
I don't know if you've ever broken up with someone
when you live with them,
but the second he left,
even though it was very sad,
there was a sense of relief.
Like, I'm not even joking you.
The second the door shut,
like the second it shut,
I started farting for like 10 years.
(laughter) Like, I can't stop.
It's just been a steady leak since November.
I can't, I was holding in farts for nearly four years.
All of Obama's second term.
The pain!
I was cramping up and down,
my core was so engaged.
I resented him for it.
Because he knew,
he had to know that I was holding them in.
You know when you hold them in all day
and they're like, "Well, I guess we're not coming out."
So they're like, "We'll go back up."
And they go like, (imitating gurgling)
(audience laughing) - Like, it makes us sound?
Thank you.
This guy knew it before I said it.
- I just keep thinking a lot about tater tots.
(laughter)
I love tater tots.
(crowd cheering)
Right?
Yeah, I love tater tots.
I am just so grateful
that restaurants are serving tater tots now,
because it used to be,
in order to get tater tots
you had to go to an elementary school.
(laughter)
Which is like, so awkward,
when you're in your thirties
in line behind a much of eight year olds,
just holding a tray.
They're like, "Ma'am, you're gonna need
to stand 30 feet away from this school."
I'm like, "But do I get dem tots?"
(laughter)
- Which only makes me sound creepier,
to be in elementary school,
yelling, "I want dem tots!"
(laughter, applause)
- I worked around it, you guys.
Now I date a kindergarten teacher, so ha-ha.
(cheering) - Ha!
Gotcha.
I gotcha, tater tots!
(laughter)
- I think that, certain jobs,
you shouldn't pray to God for having.
You know, like boxers.
You ever see a boxer before a fight?
You ever wonder what the fuck is he praying about?
(laughter)
Be like, "Lord, gimme the strength
to knock this mother fucker out, Lord.
Let me paralyze him from the neck down, God.
Let him never walk again in Jesus name, I pray."
(laughter)
- Strippers.
I'm not bullshitting.
I was in Atlanta one time,
and I saw these hoes praying before they danced.
And I was like,
"What are these hoes asking Jesus for right now?"
Like, what?
"Lord, let us shake our asses
faster than we ever shook them before, God.
Let 'em clap as if we were at a graduation, Lord."
(cheers, laughter)
- Sometimes I think about what it'd be like
to get high with my grandma.
I'm like, woo!
Can't wait till the cataracts get that bad!
(laughter)
- Just blow it in her face like a cat.
(blowing loudly)
- She's like, "Dan, Dan!"
(laughing) "Dan, I'm ripped!"
(laughter)
- Both of us get into her soap operas.
I'm like, "Devin wasn't dead the entire time?"
And she's like, "I know!"
"It's a mind fuck!"
- Thankfully it's all worked out for me.
You know, I was in Playboy.
Thank you so much, hold the applause.
The reason that I was in Playboy
is that they listed me as a touring comedian
that you should go see.
So someday they'll appreciate me
for more than my words, but. (laughter)
- My mom found out that I was in Playboy
because of Facebook.
They had tagged me in the article
and my mom went into the comments section
and she typed, "Oh dear!"
My mom is a virgin and (unclear)
(laughter, applause)
- "Oh dear, Playboy?
Purchasing this will be a first for me!"
(laughter)
- I didn't have the heart to tell her
this is just an online thing, you know?
it's not gonna be in the print copy of Playboy.
People use that magazine to jerk off, you know?
And nothing makes a dick go softer than a funny woman.
(audience cheering and laughing)
(cruising rock music)