All around the world you can find parents
that tell a very specific lie.
That lie is that they have kids,
for the kids.
In other words,
having a kid in the first place
or parenting that child is some altruistic act
they're doing for the sake of the child.
This isn't actually the case.
The truth of the matter
is that parents have children, for themselves.
Now I know that this particular truth
is going to be something that probably sets off a flame debate war.
But I want you to stick with me,
because it could be really triggering,
stick with me to the end of this video
because it has the capacity to make you a much better parent.
And also to sort out a lot of confusion you may have
around your own childhood.
The reason that we can't admit as parents
that we had children to sooth our own needs
and for our own reasons,
is because right now we live in a human society that values self-sacrifice.
That values selflessness,
that values altruism
and conversely that considers Self-centered motives
to be a totally wrong and bad thing.
So obviously when any society
sets that type of a value structure for you,
it's very hard to admit to the truth of the matter.
This creates a bit of a problem
because the reality is that the only reason anyone does anything
is because they think it will make them feel better if they do it.
This is true even for altruistic acts.
Now, I know that this truth
has the capacity to depress people sometimes
because when people hear that there is no such thing
as a altruistic act within the universe,
because the only reason anyone does anything
is because it's going to do something for themselves,
most people are like: "Well that's totally screwed up."
But stick with me for why this isn't a bad thing;
The most enlightened being in the universe,
is going to understand
that the truth of this universe is oneness.
Now if the truth of this universe is oneness,
the enlightened being
is actually going to be motivated towards
meeting other people's needs,
towards what you would consider to be an altruistic act.
But because they see all things within the universe as themselves.
Im a universe that is one,
you could say that every act is self-centered
because there's nothing that's not you.
So swallow me there's nothing wrong with self-centered motives.
You can't escape them even if you try
and that the more enlightened you become,
the more you experience that everything is you
and so the more motivated you are to do things to increase
the well-being of "others",
you won't really see it as altruism
because you see the self service in all of your actions relative to others.
Now that we know that,
let's move on to why parents have children;
There are many reasons that people decide to have children.
Let's start with the top reason.
One of the main reasons is "Oops."
Now we all know about oops.
Oops is: "I wasn't really planning on having a kid,
but I really didn't take the precautions necessary to prevent pregnancy,
and so it happened."
When this is the case,
what we want to look at in terms of self-serving motives,
is why you decided to keep the child,
as opposed to not.
For example,
they might keep the baby
because they don't want to feel lifelong guilt or shame,
or they kept the baby because they think that not doing so
will end their romantic relationship,
or they kept the baby because they wanted kids eventually anyway
for any one of the reasons I'm about to list.
So for the rest of this video though,
let's focus on reasons why
parents decide to have children when it isn't an oops.
Also before I get into this list I have to warn you,
Most of what I'm about to list here is subconscious.
So that's not like parents,
especially for a lot of the things on this list,
you're gonna notice them.
It's not like they're like:
"You know, I really definitely want to have ultimate control
and power over something else, and so I'm gonna have a kid."
It's totally subconscious.
So, with that already said,
I'm gonna start listening for you,
some of top reasons why
parents decide to have children.
To try to create a permanent bond or knot with a romantic partner
which guarantees that partner's commitment or caring or financial support
or that secures a sense of belonging with that person.
To try to create the feeling of family that you missed out on.
To try to heal the wounds from your own childhood vicariously.
Because of societal pressure,
feeling like you have to have a child
to be considered a welcome, esteemed, successful member of a society
that recognizes having children as a necessary part
of the picture of social success.
To legitimize a marriage.
To try to get closeness and other emotional needs met by something
because those needs are not being met by anyone in your life,
including if not, especially,
not being met by your emotionally unavailable partner.
To end your loneliness.
To feel needed and loved and wanted by something.
To have something that truly and fully belongs to you unconditionally.
To get unconditional love and belonging.
Because of those loving, fun, envy worthy,
good life images in your head,
that you've seen people get.
Like of walking in the park as a family with a stroller,
or watching them open presents on Christmas morning,
or watching them play a sport from the stands,
or on vacations as a family.
To try to bring play and fun and enthusiasm about life
back into your life,
by having something you can show that good parts of life to.
To feel empowered by having something
that you can have complete power and authority and control over
creating and shaping.
Because your reality or Society gives you a very strong reason
in the form of a belief about why you need to and must
have kids to be an esteemed member of the religion or society.
To carry on your legacy,
so you don't end when you die.
To collect benefits from the government.
Because you personally love small babies and young children,
so you want to have them around.
Because your sense of self-esteem is linked to caretaking.
Because you have a missing need to be validated.
Nothing is more validating than a mini-me.
Because your body is biologically wired to want to.
To add meaning to your life that feels meaningless.
To feel good about yourself.
To see yourself as a good person,
when you are able to give children the chance to enjoy existence.
To live the success you didn't get vicariously through them,
success and status by proxy.
Or to have a living breathing trophy to add to your existing success.
All right, all right, so you get the point.
I could list more, but, these are the top reasons.
So what we get to look at here,
that's so difficult about parenting,
is that when we have children,
which every parent does,
to specifically meet some need
that we have for ourselves, or some desire,
it's not an automatic guarantee
that having a child
is actually going to meet that need
or fulfill that desire of ours.
In fact, a lot of times
it backfires.
It backfires badly,
and this is where the door is blown wide open
for conflict with our children.
I'll give you an example;
Let's say that there's a mother who really
(this is a woman),
who's like, really lacking
a sense of validation for who she is.
She's always felt like her truth
is not really something that's accepted
and she doesn't really have that sense of closeness with somebody,
based on who she is.
Now, she dreams that when she has a daughter,
this daughter's going to be exactly like her.
It's gonna be a mini-me.
It's gonna be somebody who she can finally relate to
and she's gonna finally have a best friend.
Now we all know that a lot of times
this isn't what's gonna happen.
A lot of times what happens instead,
is you have a child whose natural aptitudes,
interests, character traits and everything
are the exact opposite of you.
So instead, this daughter who is born to her
is a complete invalidation of her being.
She can't develop that close bestfriend relationship,
because she doesn't even relate to her own daughter.
And now, instead of those needs being met,
the opposite happens.
A retraumatization actually.
Instead of her being validated,
she feels invalidated by the existence of her own daughter.
And things like this can happen all the time
when it comes to wanting children
to be the ones that meet these needs and desires for us.
Another example is that we can have a kid
to gain increased belonging and closeness with a partner,
only to find that the stress of parenting
actually comes between us
and makes us even less close than before
and may even make our own partner withdraw or even cheat.
I'm gonna make a generalization here where there are some exceptions;
I mean there are parents who genuinely despise their children. I mean genuinely.
However, what's more common
is that based off of having a child,
because of a lot of biological and emotional forces,
regardless of how much that child meets the need or doesn't,
you're gonna care about that child.
It's what you call "love".
It's not really love, but it's caring.
You're gonna really care about them as a person.
But when this dynamic happens where your needs and desires
aren't met by Having the child in the way that you thought it was going to,
is that you fall into this trap
of feeling trapped by parenting itself,
because you will hate the process of parenting,
but care so much about the being itself,
that you call your child,
now it's like you don't know what to do with that.
"How do I care so much for someone,
and absolutely hate parenting general?"
If a person is especially unconscious,
and that they had some desire or need
which was the reason that they had a child,
but having the child doesn't actually meet that need or desire,
if a person is especially unconscious,
what you'll notice is then they begin to subconsciously
blame the child for why their life didn't go the way
that they wanted it to go.
They start to blame the child for the reason that the need itself,
or the desire wasn't met.
So it's at this point, we have to have a conversation around betrayal.
Betrayal basically by definition
is feeling is if a presumptive contract is broken.
No when we get betrayed by something or someone,
that contract they're breaking or that agreement,
could be something that they agreed to,
or something they didn't agree to at all.
That's something to understand.
So like if I enter into a marriage,
and both of us agree that we're going to be in a monogamous relationship,
than I am betrayed,
when that contract or that agreement is broken by someone cheating.
That's betrayal, right?
Now, what happens in this type of dynamic I'm describing with parents
when they subconsciously start to have children for these needs,
is that there's a presumed contract
that the child is going to meet the need.
It's not something the child agreed to.
It's not like,
you know, the kid is like:
"Yes, I will be a mini you,
so you feel validated."
That has not happened.
But it's a presumed contract,
when people have kids,
that those kids are going to meet those needs,
or going to fulfill those desires.
So when it doesn't happen,
the parent actually feels betrayed by the kid,
as if the kid broke that "contract",
or didn't fulfill on their end of the bargain.
Because of this,
the relationship with their child begins to feel like
a one-way relationship with them.
We begin to feel like we're sacrificing ourselves for our kids.
This is where a parent can fall into the super damaging trap
of holding the fact that they had their child in the first place,
or are parenting them at all,
over their child's heads as leverage,
demanding gratitude and obedience as payment in return.
It's okay to have self-centered motives.
In fact, you're not going to be able to get away from them.
The safest that you can be is to really acknowledge
what the self-centered motives are, and own them,
so that you can directly see the best way to meet those needs.
This is going to help you to acknowledge:
"Hum, this is my actual need and desire,
is that actually going to be something that's met through having a child?"
If the answer is no,
you've gotta take a real strong look at that.
This is why:
Like I said before,
having a child may not meet those needs for you.
As anybody can tell you who's had children,
the process and the experience of parenting
is almost always so different than you think it's going to be.
So on top of all this,
one thing that you have to do as parents,
is to really understand that
when two people are thinking about having a child,
or when they're thinking about keeping a child,
what they're actually doing mentally
is thinking about what they're gonna get from the child.
Most parents don't realize
how much about having a child
is going to be about what they're giving
when you're required to give.
Now this is really important,
because right now it has never been harder in history
than it is right now to be a parent.
The reason is that we
are progressively moving farther and farther and farther away from tribe.
Now the big problem with that when it comes to parenting,
is that it means that you as an individual parent,
are responsible for meeting a plethora of needs for your children.
It's not like in a tribal based setting
where this person meets this need for the child,
another person meets another need for the child.
It's almost like it's all on you.
And so it's never been more important
to think about what you're going to be required to give a child
and not just stay in this mentality around like,
what you want to get out of it.
A child is gonna have their own desires, destiny, purpose,
preferences, thoughts, feelings and aptitudes.
So one thing you got to bite off and chew as a parent,
and one thing you have to bite off and chew about your own parents,
is this:
We have a look at this from universal perspective.
Now, from universal perspective,
you are not doing your child "a favor"
by having them.
It doesn't matter what your religious beliefs say,
it is not a favor you are doing
to a child, to have them.
Now even if you want to get spiritual with this and be like:
"Yeah, but they wanted to come through me."
On a physical level,
that child did not walk up to your doorstep
and knock on your door and begin begging
for you to let them come in through you.
You had this child
specifically to meet needs and desires of yours.
You did it because of what you would get out of the parenting experience.
There's nothing wrong with it, but you cannot tell yourself the story
that you have a child who now owes you for anything.
Your child owes you nothing.
For anything you have done for them.
I mean nothing.
So if you decide to meet the needs of your child,
that's on you,
not on them.
Not getting this, is to entrap your child
and entrapment is the opposite of love.
To understand this in depth, I want you to watch two of my videos:
The first is titled:
The Defective Doll
& the second is titled:
Cut The Invisible Strings
Having a child is entering into a relationship.
And one of the biggest misconceptions that we have
is that the relationship with the child
is going to be an unconditional one.
It's not.
What I mean by that is like,
relationships depend upon
their best interest being met,
not just your own.
If that doesn't happen,
your kid is probably either gonna suffer
in connection with you forever,
and behind your back,
if they're going to be going to therapists,
talking about what a issue they have with you,
while they maintain the relationship,
or they're gonna cut the relationship off entirely.
And the reason I want you to get this,
is because there's a story that we tell,
that if we have a kid, it's an unconditional relationship.
It's not.
Okay, so just like any other relationship,
the health and longevity and safety of that relationship
has to do with the child's best interests being accommodated for.
Not just your own.
For more information about this, watch my video titled:
How to Have a Safe Relationship
As a parent,
I want you to ask yourself:
Why?
Why did I have children?
And if you're a perspective parent,
I want you to ask:
Why do I want or need to have children?
And be brave enough to look at the self-serving motive.
All this being said,
don't fall for the lie.
And we've gotta stop letting society keep perpetuating this lie.
Don't believe the lie
that parents have children, for the child.
Parents have children for themselves.
The question is:
Why?
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com