Hello I m Darren Magee and the topic for today s video comes from many questions I've had about
confusion, confusion around some of the thoughts and feelings that some people may still have for
their narcissistic ex partner. Some of those questions include, Do I still love them? Why
do I still love them? Why do I even care? And if I don't care, why can I not stop thinking
about them? I would say that kind of confusion would be normal after being in a relationship
with a narcissist, given how nonsensical they can behave at times, and how painful and hurtful that
behaviour can be. But also because there may well have been times whenever they were kind, caring
and attentive. So although the following could apply to a family of origin, or indeed any kind of
relationship or situation where someone has maybe invested themselves emotionally only to be abused,
manipulated and neglected, in this video I'm really just going to focus on a relationship
with a narcissist that has ended. And I'll outline some of the common reasons why some people are
confused over their feelings for or about their ex partner, what some of those feelings could be,
and maybe the reasons for them. And I'm not going to insult anyone by saying you don't love them or
you shouldn't love them. But what I will say is it is possible to miss someone, even if they were
a constant cause of misery. And also if it were a long term relationship those memories have been so
ingrained that it can sometimes be difficult to function without them on your mind from time to
time, certain feelings can come up now and then. So you find this video interesting please consider
subscribing to my channel. And to begin with, being exposed to long term narcissistic abuse and
manipulation, being coerced over a long period of time can have an impact on someone in many
different ways. It's not uncommon that someone might lose sight of themselves, sight of their
sense of self, their core values, their identity even. And healing is not always an easy straight
forward process. It can take a while. It takes patience. Sometimes it takes hard work. The reason
why it can take hard work is because of some of those feelings that we have about the person.
Because if there's been love, if there had been a long term commitment and love there,
even if it was in the early stages, that's not always easy to just switch off. Thing is,
narcissists struggle with intimacy so they tend to behave in ways that always keeps the
other person at an emotional arms length. And rather than just acknowledge their difficulty
or be honest with their partner they tend to set unreasonable, ever shifting standards and blame
their partner for all the difficulties, all the problems in the relationship.
So one area of confusion could be it is possible to have feelings for the person
but not the behaviour. Someone could love that narcissist but for the sake of their sanity
they just have to getaway. They cannot take the constant rejection excuses and blame anymore.
Secondly, the relationship may have ended with. Any kind of closure now it may have been quick and
sudden or it could have been long and drawn out, but there are still unanswered questions. I would
refer to this as unfinished business. Human beings generally don't like things that don't make sense.
When people feel there's no real answer, no real reason why someone would behave the way they did,
where things were left unexplained now this can lead to rumination, replaying events, interactions
over and over again. And feelings can become intensified. There can be feelings of anger,
guilt, shame and disappointment. But there could also be feelings of longing for the narcissistic
person to stop being narcissistic. Hoping that maybe in that little bit of space, that time that
is passed they will have changed. They will become the ideal partner they promised they would be at
the beginning of the relationship. Another aspect of unfinished business could be there may have
been gestures, promises made and still not kept. So there could be intense anger over having been
lied to, feeling conned. Or there could be a worry that those promises are now being given to someone
else, being kept for someone else. This can lead to thoughts like. What the hell was wrong with
me? I loved that person. Why were these not things not given to me? Rumination can become obsessive.
It can create disdain in the victim's. There's self blaming, blaming themselves for believing
the lies. Or I can go the other way. They could be blaming themselves, thinking I should have
tried harder. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought I've blown all this out of proportion. I've made a
mistake. What could I have done differently to have changed them? To have made them a better
person? Now another reason for the confusion can be either a physical distance or maybe a period
of time has passed and this can sometimes bring up a confused, maybe even a distorted sense of
what love is. There could be reminiscing over the good times. Even fantasies of things maybe
being better if they were to get back together again. I'm not trying sway anyone's opinion,
but what I have noticed is that most people within minutes of seeing their narcissistic
ex or having some kind of interaction with them, they tend to remember why they left. Fourthly,
people can't feel confused about their feelings because their narcissistic ex may have had genuine
characteristics that are very attractive. They may have been physically attractive, very intelligent.
They might have had a great sense of humour. They may have been confident, driven, very talented and
creative. These are very attractive qualities. Like I said earlier though, it is possible to
miss those qualities not necessarily the person. Number five, the confusion can come when even if
it's after a long period of time, the narcissist gets back into contact again. Maybe they start
love bombing again. Love bombing, this is often part of the cycle of abuse that keeps victims
hooked. It's how trauma bonding works and have made videos on trauma bonding if you want to check
those out. Love bombing has the effect of having someone feel as if they re special. Sometimes even
just feel as if their basic needs are being met. They feel loved. They feel accepted, approved of.
It s how the narcissistic person may well have behaved at the beginning of the relationship.
And it can also have the effect of leading someone to believe that in the time that has passed maybe
the narcissist has changed for the better this time. And one of the reasons it works so well
for a narcissist is because hard wired into all of us is this need to feel special. To feel as if
we are important or significant to someone. But also remember many narcissists have something of
a superficial charm. They can do things that have others believe they re special, important, loved,
even though there's no depth to it. But they can be very attentive, affectionate and kind. And if
they already know their victim they know what buttons to push. They know what excites them,
they know what pleases them. But as is often the case the promises aren't kept, there s, again,
those ever shifting conditions and the victim finds themselves used, manipulated and coerced
once again. Now if you pay attention to that cycle, after the love bombing comes the devaluing
and then comes the abuse. Then back to the love bombing again. Many people have found themselves
caught up in that cycle again and again and again. Sometimes for years. Number six, after breaking
away from a narcissistic relationship there can be a belief that only they can fix this. Only they
can undo the pain and the misery. That might mean an apology and acceptance of responsibility or
some kind of justice. The belief being that only their abuser can bring some kind of much needed
closure. And that can lead people to try and think of ways to try to get through to them, to try to
reason with them, to try to make them understand. Those thoughts can swing between being harsh,
putting them in their place, or how to win them over. Just phrase something in a way that they
might finally understand or how to tap into their sense of decency, their empathy and plead with
them. But the thing about narcissism is trying to reason with a narcissist is like trying to grab an
eel with your elbows. They can be quite slippery. They re experts at deflection, not understanding,
forgetting things and blame shifting. And often the victims tie themselves up in knots
and yet many keep on trying to find a way to reach them, hoping that maybe this time it will work.
Next, and I think this is very common. It's not the person themselves that they love or miss, it's
the version of that person that they fell for. They miss the ideal partner that was presented
at the beginning of the relationship. Not the real them not the version that they got. So they're not
longing for the person, they are longing for the facade, the false image. And also it is common to
grieve the end of any relationship. But with a relationship with a narcissist, I think people
grieve the relationship they would have liked to have had. The relationship they were promised,
not the one they got. I think people also grieve that part of themselves that got lost in the
relationship. The part of them that sacrificed, yearning to be loved, accepted but only maybe
got constant rejection and criticism because it was never enough, and maybe just occasionally
crumbs of affection just to keep them there. And if it was a really long term relationship,
I think that people often grieve the years wasted. They grieve their youth. Many people can't feel
stuck in their grief long after the relationship has ended. Lastly number eight, and as odd as this
might sound there can be confusion over feelings of sympathy for the narcissist. As hurt and as
angry and as disappointed, even relieved that someone might be that they got away. They might
actually feel pity for that narcissist in their life. They may have had a genuine issue of some
kind. They may have had an addiction and illness or something. And even though in that relationship
their empathy and their compassion was taken for granted and exploited, they still feel
pity. Many people recognise how child like, how self-destructive the narcissist s behaviour is
and they just feel sorry for them. And as hurt as they are even after they left they may hope
that narcissistic person does get the help and support they need just to become a better version
of themselves, even after the pain and misery they had to endure while they were with them. And as
much as people might feel confused about why they care about it, someone who hurt them repeatedly,
well everybody is different, but I think maybe that's just human nature. Its compassion. What
I will say though, when it comes to boundaries, remember there is a difference between caring
about and caring for. So they are just some of the common things that people might feel for their
narcissistic ex partners and some of the reasons why they might feel those things. There are many
other things I could have added the list is not exhaustive. But the thing about narcissism is,
narcissists tend to exploit everything they consider to be a weakness and they try to turn
people, even those who genuinely love them, into someone who would just sacrifice their own basic
needs on the altar of their ego just to meet their sense of entitlement and their demands. Long term
exposure to that kind of selfishness, that kind of manipulation, those lies, feeling constant stress
and anxiety can have a huge impact on anyone. Many people who have experienced narcissistic abuse,
sometimes have difficulty remembering the person they used to be. So whatever you feel or felt for
them, healing that pain can be difficult, but not impossible. And with the right kind of support,
it can be easier. I sometimes think that recovery begins by recognising that maybe
you deserved better. But it also involves not looking to them for answers and for closure,
but maybe by getting to know yourself better, mixing with others who are kind and supportive,
those who bring out the best in you. Those who are going to challenge you without insulting you.
Therapy can help you understand yourself a bit better, help you to find answers that you need
to help you to move forward, help you regain a sense of self-control, self will and autonomy.
And I know I keep saying this, I said this in many videos, but recovery is a journey. It is not
a mad dash to a finish line. You think of it this way, if you were deconstructed a piece at a time,
then it's okay to rebuild a piece at a time. So there are just some of the common thoughts and
feelings that some people experience after having been in a long term narcissistic relationship and
some of the reasons why. So say there's many things I could have added. Please feel free
to use the comment box below. But if you have found anything helpful in your recovery and
if you feel okay to do so please share it in the comment box below. Someone reading that
might benefit from your experience and your wisdom. And if you found this video helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel and until next time, thanks for watching.