"WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS--
I'M GLAD YOU'RE FEELING GOOD.
IT'S IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW, TO STAY HOPEFUL.
NO MATTER WHAT, AS BAD AS THE LAST FIVE YEARS HAVE BEEN, AND
AS ANXIOUS AS WE'RE ALWAYS ALL FEELING, IT'S REASSURE TO KNOW
AND I BELIEVE IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER-- THAT AT ANY MOMENT,
IT COULD GET MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
TAKE CALIFORNIA, WHERE LAST NIGHT, GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM
SURVIVED A RECALL WITH ALMOST 64% OF THE VOTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
KNOW YOU SPENT 20 MONTHS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON THIS
RECALL, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: YOU WIN SOME, BUT NOT IN
CALIFORNIA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND NEWSOM CELEBRATED HIS NONREMOVAL IN A SPEECH TO
SUPPORTERS, WHERE HE LAID OUT WHAT THIS MEANS FOR CALIFORNIANS
>> I WANT TO FOCUS WHAT WE SAID YES TO AS A STATE.
WE SAID YES TO SCIENCE.
WE SAID YES TO VACCINE.
WE SAID YES TO ENDING THIS PANDEMIC.
WE SAID YES TO DIVERSITY.
>> Stephen: AND NOTHING SAYS DIVERSITY LIKE A RICH WHITE GUY
NAMED GAVIN.
ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW-- IVORY.
HE ALSO HAD STRONG WORDS FOR REPUBLICANS WHO FALSELY CLAIMED
THE RECALL ELECTION WAS RIGGED.
>> I THINK ABOUT JUST IN THE LAST, YOU KNOW, FEW DAYS, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT PUT OUT SAYING THIS ELECTION WAS RIGGED,
DEMOCRACY IS NOT A FOOTBALL.
YOU DON'T THROW IT AROUND.
IT'S MORE LIKE A, I DON'T KNOW, ANTIQUE VASE.
( LAUGHTER )
GOV.
( AS NEWSOM )
IT'S AN ANTIQUE VASE, OR A BOTTLE OF '93 CHATEAU D'YQUEM,
OR ORCHESTRA SEATS AT THE METROPOLITAN OPERA.
UNLESS THEY'RE DOING AIDA!
I CANNOT TOLERATE VERDI.
AM I RIGHT, FELLOW FOOTBALL FANS?"
COME ON!
( APPLAUSE )
OF THE SUEZ.
ONE OF THE REPUBLICANS WHO SAID THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED WAS
TALK RADIO HOST AND MAN STILL WAITING FOR HIS MOM TO PICK HIM
UP, LARRY ELDER.
EVEN BEFORE ELECTION DAY, ELDER POSTED BASELESS ACCUSATIONS OF
VOTER FRAUD ON HIS WEBSITE.
THAT IS CHUTZPAH.
CASTING DOUBT ON THE INTEGRITY OF OUR ELECTIONS WITHOUT FIRST
INVENTING A PILLOW?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT AFTER THE RESULTS CAME IN, ELDER STRUCK A FAR DIFFERENT
TONE: >> AS YOU KNOW, MY OPPONENT,
GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM--
COME ON.
LET'S-- LET'S-- LET'S BE GRACIOUS.
LET'S BE GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT.
>> Stephen: "COME ON, ANGRY MOB, THAT I WHIPPED UP WITH FALSE
CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD, LET'S BE GRACIOUS AS WE CONCEDE DEFEAT TO
THE GEORGE SOROS-BACKED LIZARD-MEN BANKERS WHO WANT TO
SMOKE OUR CHILDREN'S ADRENAL GLANDS IN THE BASEMENT OF A
PIZZA PARLOR."
COME ON.
( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ SPEAKING OF GRACIOUS IN DEFEAT,
WE'RE GETTING MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE FINAL DAYS IN OFFICE OF
FORMER PRESIDENT "SWAMPOPOTAMUS."
THEY'RE COMING FROM BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA'S NEW TELL-ALL
"PERIL," WHICH SHEDS NEW LIGHT ON THE ROLE OF MIKE PENCE, WHOSE
HEROIC REFUSAL TO THROW OUT THE ELECTION RESULTS ON JANUARY
6th IS HOW HISTORY WILL REMEMBER HIM-- AS LONG AS HISTORY DOESN'T
READ THIS NEW BOOK, BECAUSE THEN HISTORY WILL KNOW HE SUCKS
JUST AS MUCH AS YOU THOUGHT HE DID.
BECAUSE THIS BOOK REVEALS THAT, RIGHT UP 'TILL THE END, PENCE
WAS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO DO HIS BOSS'S EVIL BIDDING.
AND TO GET SOME IDEAS, HE CALLED UP FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND
PAINTING WHOSE EYES FOLLOW YOU NOWHERE, DAN QUAYLE.
WOW, QUAYLE AND PENCE.
ON A PHONE CALL!
WHAT A CONVERSATION THAT MUST HAVE BEEN.
OH, TO BE A FLY ON THEIR HEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ON THE CALL, PENCE ASKED QUAYLE IF THERE WAS ANY WAY FOR A VICE
PRESIDENT TO FACILITATE A COUP, BUT DAN SHUT HIM DOWN, SAYING,
"MIKE, YOU HAVE NO FLEXIBILITY ON THIS-- NONE, ZERO.
FORGET IT.
PUT IT AWAY."
ALSO WHAT PENCE SAYS TO HIMSELF ANY TIME HE THINKS ABOUT WEARING
SHORTS: "FORGET IT, MIKE.
PUT IT AWAY.
YOU CAN'T SHOW ANYONE YOUR KNEES-- A.K.A. THE DEVIL'S
ELBOWS!
( LAUGHTER )
THE THIGHS.
AND THE THIGHS LEAD TO...
THE BATHING SUIT AREA."
PENCE-- AND SCENE.
PENCE PUSHED BACK AT QUAYLE, SAYING OF HIS BOSS, "BUT HE
REALLY THINKS HE CAN.
AND THERE ARE OTHER GUYS THERE SAYING I'VE GOT THIS POWER."
IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A CHILD: "WELL, MIKE, IF ALL YOUR OTHER
FRIENDS WERE JUMPING OFF A THERE YOU GO.
OKAY.
GET ME A SHOVEL AND A SHOP VAC."
PENCE-- IT PAINT A PICTURE, DOESN'T IT?
PENCE DIDN'T GET IT, REPEATING HIS BOSS'S FALSE ELECTION FRAUD
CLAIMS ABOUT ARIZONA, TO WHICH QUAYLE REPLIED, "MIKE, I LIVE IN
ARIZONA.
THERE'S NOTHING OUT HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
INCIDENTALLY, ALSO ARIZONA'S TOURISM SLOGAN.
( LAUGHTER )
DESTROY OUR REPRESENTATIVE GOVERNMENT, BUT THIS IS A
CHILLING STORY THAT ILLUSTRATES JUST HOW CLOSE WE WERE TO
DISASTER, WHICH LED SOME PEOPLE TO CONCLUDE: "DAN QUAYLE MAY
HAVE SAVED AMERICAN DEMOCRACY."
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A SHOCKER.
YOU REALLY DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING TO BE SAVED BY DAN QUAYLE.
IT'S LIKE SENDING UP THE BAT SIGNAL, AND THE GUY WHO SHOWS UP
IS DAN QUAYLE.
( LAUGHTER )
NIGHT'S BIGGEST STORY BY FAR.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S
BALLS.
YOU GUYS KNOW THE STORY I'M TALKING ABOUT?
WE'VE MADE SOME JOKES AND BITS, SOME GAGS ABOUT THESE TESTICLES,
AND WE'VE GOT A FEW MORE, WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S:
"STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALL GAGS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FOR THOSE OF YOU-- THEY TOOK THAT AWAY QUICKLY.
THEY TOOK IT THAT LOWER THIRD AWAY QUICKLY, DIDN'T THEY?
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK OR A
PARTICULARLY LARGE PAIR OF BALLS, NICKI MINAJ CAUSED A
CONTROVERSY WHEN SHE TWEETED, "MY COUSIN IN TRINIDAD WON'T GET
THE VACCINE CUZ HIS FRIEND GOT IT AND BECAME IMPOTENT.
HIS TESTICLES BECAME SWOLLEN."
OF COURSE, "YOUR COUSIN'S FRIEND" IS A MUCH MORE TRUSTED
SOURCE THAN ALL OF THE WORLD'S DOCTORS.
THAT'S WHY IN AN EMERGENCY, YOU ALWAYS HEAR PEOPLE YELL,
"THIS MAN IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK!
QUICK!
IS ANYONE HERE SOMEONE'S COUSIN'S FRIEND?"
( LAUGHTER )
MINAJ'S TWEET IN OUR COLD OPEN.
>> Stephen: WILL IT WILL GET YOU.
IT WILL GET YOU.
>> Jon: THAT WILL MAKE YOU MOVE.
>> Stephen: IT WILL GET YOU.
>> Stephen: NOW, NICKI'S A FRIEND OF THE SHOW-- OR AT LEAST
A COUSIN'S FRIEND-- SO IT'S NO SURPRISE SHE SAW THE BIT AND
RETWEETED IT, ADDING, "I NEVER CITED THAT AS A REASON I DIDN'T
GET VACCINATED.
THE LIE IS SO FUNNY /ENTERTAINING THO.
I'D SAY SMTHNG MEAN TO THIS LADY BUT I "RLLY" LIKE STEPHEN
COLBERT.
#SUPERBALLS."
NIKI, NIKI, DARLING NICKI, NICK, FOR THE RECORD, I "RLLY"
LIKE YOU, TOO!
THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO GET VACCINATED.SO YOU CAN COME ON
THE SHOW AGAIN, BECAUSE WITHOUT A SHOT, THE NETWORK
"RLLY" WON'T LET YOU IN.
NOW YESTERDAY-- THIS IS TRUE-- TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO'S MINISTRY
OF HEALTH WAS INUNDATED WITH REQUESTS TO FACT CHECK THIS
CLAIM, SO TODAY, THEIR PUBLIC HEALTH MINISTER MADE THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT: >> ONE OF THE REASONS WE COULD
NOT RESPOND YESTERDAY IN REAL TIME TO MS. MINAJ IS THAT WE HAD
TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE THAT WHAT SHE WAS CLAIMING WAS EITHER TRUE
OR FALSE.
WE DID.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE WASTED SO MUCH TIME YESTERDAY RUNNING DOWN THIS
FALSE CLAIM.
( LAUGHTER )
ABSOLUTELY NO REPORTED SUCH SIDE EFFECT OR ADVERSE EVENT OF
TESTICULAR SWELLING IN TRINIDAD-- OR, I DARESAY,
DR. HINES, ANYWHERE ELSE, NONE THAT WE KNOW OF ANYWHERE ELSE IN
THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
>> Jon: THAT REALLY HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
SIR, ARE YOU CALLING NICKI MINAJ A LIAR?
BECAUSE TO DO THAT TAKES SOME REALLY BIG-- WAIT A SECOND!
NOW I KNOW WHY HE'S SITTING BEHIND THAT GIANT TABLE!
LAST NIGHT, MINAJ WAS ALSO A SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION FOR
TUCKER CARLSON, SEEN HERE DISCUSSING THE SIZE OF HIS OWN
BALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ) TUCKER--
TUCKER WAS ONE OF THE FIRST TO JUMP ON THIS STORY MONDAY NIGHT,
BUT HE HAD GOTTEN A CRUCIAL DETAIL WRONG, WHICH LED HIM TO
ISSUE THIS RARE CORRECTION: >> LAST NIGHT, WE READ IT, WE
PUT THE GRAPHIC ON THE SCREEN, AND WE SUGGESTED THAT NICKI
MINAJ'S COUSIN IS THE ONE WITH THE SWOLLEN TESTICLES IN
TRINIDAD.
AND WE WERE WRONG, AND WE WANT TO ADMIT IT.
WE HENCEFORTH CORRECT THE RECORD.
NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S TESTICLES ARE NOT SWOLLEN.
AS FAR AS WE KNOW, HE'S FINE. IT IS NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S
FRIEND'S TESTICLES WHO ARE SWOLLEN FROM TAKING THE VAX.
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO SEE FOX NEWS IS FINALLY COMING TO TERMS
WITH SOME OF ITS DANGEROUS MISSTATEMENTS.
AND THIS TIME-- THIS TIME--
>> Jon: YOU HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH.
MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
>> Stephen: THIS TIME, IT'S NOT TRIVIAL STUFF LIKE "WAS THE
ELECTION STOLEN?" OR, "SHOULD I HUFF HORSE
MEDICINE?" NO, FOX VIEWERS.
YOU GOTTA SQUIRT IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR BUTT.
CARLSON HAS BEEN REPORTING ON MINAJ'S TWEET BECAUSE HE'S
DESPERATE FOR ANY PROOF THAT THE VACCINE IS NOT SAFE, WHICH
LED TO THIS APPEAL: >> WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO
FIGURE OUT WHETHER THIS SHOW IS BROADCAST IN TRINIDAD, BUT IF
NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND IS WATCHING, OR HIS FORMER
FIANCEE IS WATCHING, WE WANT TO HEAR YOUR STORY.
WE'LL COME TO PORT OF SPAIN TO SEE YOU.
LET US KNOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
TUCKER'S WILLING TO GO ANYWHERE TO GET THE IMPORTANT STORIES.
IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN CRONKITE WENT TO VIETNAM TO INTERVIEW
JIMI HENDRIX'S COUSIN'S FRIEND WHO CLAIMED THE POLIO VACCINE
GAVE HIM A MICRO-TAINT.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS CBS?
WE DON'T HAVE IMAGES OF CRONKITE INTERVIEWING A MICRO -TAINT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
WELL, WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" ALSO WANT THE TRUTH, BUT I DON'T
WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND
OR THE EX-FIANCEE.
I WANT TO INTERVIEW THE BALLS-- WHICH, AT THIS POINT, ONE
ASSUMES, ARE NOW SO LARGE THEY HAVE BECOME SELF-AWARE AND HAVE
ACQUIRED THE POWER OF SPEECH.
ALSO, AND THIS IS TRUE, WE CHECKED, AND MY SHOW IS
BROADCAST IN TRINIDAD.
SO NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND'S GIANT BALLS, IF YOU'RE
WATCHING, I'LL COME DOWN TO PORT OF SPAIN OR THE FRENCH RIVIERA,
OR THE ROLLING HILLS OF TUSCANY.
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE, I JUST WANT US TO HANG.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: AAAH!
AAAH!
COME ON, JAZZ COWBOY!
>> Stephen: THE POINT IS, I WILL GO ANYWHERE FOR A SIT -DOWN
WITH THESE GIANT BALLS.
HOWEVER, I DRAW THE LINE AT INTERVIEWING A TALKING DICK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JESSICA CHASTAIN AND STEPHEN SONDHEIM.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MY NEW FASHION UPDATE IS THE LATE NIGHT
FASHION SEGMENT FOR THE FALL.
CHECK IT Y'ALL.
♪ ♪ ♪