Hey guys, it's Wednesdays with Chaseypoo
Again with nice background, but I might as well make all my videos for the month in one day
Because, I am a busy bee! [laughs]
Today, we are talking about
If you could tell a message to your past self, what would it be?
This is Transtastic; this is not my personal channel so I'm not gonna do a HUGE letter to myself
or talk about all these deep things that are gonna make me cry
because I did do that last year in my "Ten Years on Youtube" video
instead, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna talk about one specific aspect
that I have talked about in that video, and that is super
important to me. And I didn't realize that I said
this specific thing until a friend recently told me
Um, that that would be a good line to get tattooed.
And I was like, 'What line?'
I was like 'Oh my god I did say that'
'cause I remember saying it but I never realized how good of a line it was,
And how much it has helped me throughout the years.
So, I realized I was trans when I was fifteen, and
the image that I have in my head right now if I talk about my old self
and me being able to talk to my old self
is me walking up the-
me NOW, Chase Ross, lookin like this-
walking up the stairs, and seeing [exhales] seeing myself
at my fucking computer
and then just making a noise, just like "hey"
and then, my old self just turning around and seeing me.
[inhales]
I don't know
what younger Chase would've done.
I don't think I would've recognized myself,
I think I would've looked at myself, and then like looked deeper
and not understood what I'm seeing.
because I never thought that this was gonna be a reality.
I never thought that I would live to
be more than twenty-one.
I never thought that hormones was gonna be an option.
I just remember crying a lot
and not knowing what to do, and
telling myself, 'yes I'm trans,' telling myself
'no that's disgusting, you can't be trans, it's gonna be such a hard life, don't you dare do it'
and then going back and forth for years [inhales]
and, it was just so tormenting for me [small laugh]
and it was hard because I felt like in the past like I was okay being a 'girl'
and it was just really hard for me. So
[inhales] if I am me now, and I look at myself...
because I really never thought that this was real.
I never thought that this was a possibility.
there were no role models,
back then
It was Jazz, like,
and she was like four at the time!
and on YouTube with one video
of like Diane Sawyer talking to her
like it was so old-school!
and then all these documentaries like talking shit about trans people
it was like 'Oh my god, this is gonna be the worst life ever,
why am I- why do I feel like this, this isn't fair.'
and as long as you try to repress it, the more it's gonna come out
so there's no point in repressing it!
just accept it!
so, I had not accepted it. So if I go up to myself right now,
and I saw myself,
at a point where I have not accepted it yet,
I would look and I would feel like my old- my younger self would, would cry.
and the only thing that I feel like I could say,
that would kind of sum up
everything that I've been feeling for the last ten years
is
'I'm here.'
and that is...
such a...
in- intense two words for me,
and, I don't know how to explain it, there are
so many different layers, so
I don't wanna go too much into it, but
one layer is 'I'm here' like 'I'm still alive'
and another is 'I'm here' whereas 'I'm here for you'
I wish that there was someone like me
when I was younger, to look up to
and I- I feel like I should've been there for myself
and I know that I couldn't have been,
and that's why I make videos on YouTube now,
so that I'm there, for people who need the 'I'm here.'
and
I know that when all of these people who are watching this,
who are younger or older,
and are on hormones, they're gonna
look back at their old self, and
they're probably going to be happy that there were videos for them.
Not necessarily- I'm not saying I'm the best, I'm just saying like
there are videos out there, there are movies,
there are tv shows with trans characters
and
it's almost like, 'yes, it's good that you- you have all of those things,' but
you're gonna look back on your life and
it's going to be hard and you might even say to your old self
'I'm here,' and that's okay.
We all have different reasons why...
I told myself I wasn't gonna get emotional, but, this is really hard right now!
um...
because I...
see myself, my younger self, just sitting at that computer
all night, all day, all the time,
being just so depressed and not knowing what I'm doing with my life
and if I was to see myself,
I think I would cry, and my younger self would cry,
and I would just say 'I'm here.'
and I would just hug myself.
it's almost as if I feel like a big brother to my younger self.
That's what I feel like.
and, I feel like I needed that.
and it's like a trans big brother, maybe not even a blood related thing
it doesn't matter.
but I feel like I'm the older brother
that I needed, when I was younger.
anyways.
and I do feel like I'm the older brother for a lot of trans people on YouTube
who have said 'You're like a brother to me.'
and that makes me feel warm in my heart because
I'm the person that I...needed.
and this is all that I've ever wanted is to be
that person, and that resource for people.
anyways, I hope you have a great week,
hopefully that wasn't too, like, triggering or anything.
I'm going to go eat a salad now. I love you so much, have a great week, bye [peace out sign]