>> Greg: SHE STASHED HER KID
IN THE TRUNK BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT
SHE WOULD GET THE COVID ONE.
A REPRIEVE IN ON MOM’S FLIGHT
FOR TREATING HER SON LIKE
SAMSONITE.
THIS HOUSTON MOM AND TEACHER --
AREN’T THEY ALL?
[LAUGHTER]
-- WAS ACCUSED OF PUTTING HER
COVID POSITIVE KID IN THE TRUNK
SO SHE WOULD NOT GET USED TO THE
VIRUS.
THE JUDGE SAID THERE IS NOT
PROBABLE CAUSE TO CHARGE HER, IN
TEXAS, WHERE EVERYONE GETS THE
ELECTRIC CHAIR, EVEN THOSE
ARRESTED FOR STEALING ELECTRIC
CHAIRS.
HER CASE COULD GO BEFORE GRAND
JURY.
NEIL GORSUCH DREW THE IRE OF
"THE NEW YORK TIMES," THE RAG
SHAMING HIM FOR NOT WEARING A
MASK DURING ORAL ARGUMENTS, MY
FAVORITE KIND.
[LAUGHTER]
-- ABOUT BIDEN’S VACCINATION
MANDATES, AND SAYING THAT MASS N
WEARING A MASK TO MAKE OTHERS
UNCOMFORTABLE, SAYING IT’S
MAKING THEM RISKY AND DISDAINFUL
OF HIS COLLEAGUES.
HOW MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE DO
THESE JUSTICES NEED TO BE?
THEY ARE ALREADY WEARING ROBES
AND NOT MUCH ELSE.
[LAUGHTER]
IF WHAT I HAVE HEARD IS TRUE.
PERHAPS, HE DOES NOT WEAR A MASK
TO KEEP THE LADIES AT BAY.
AS IT TURNS OUT, MASKS MAKE YOU
HOTTER, AND NOT JUST IN TERMS OF
LIPID SWEATS.
THE HUMONGOUS BRITISH STUDY, OF
43 PEOPLE -- [LAUGHTER]
-- FOUND THAT WOMEN WERE MORE
ATTRACTED TO PICTURES OF MASK
MEN THAN THOSE WHO WERE MASK
WAS.
THEY MUST GO FOR THE LOOTERS.
ONE THINKS IT’S BECAUSE THEY
FOCUS MORE ON THE EYES, BUT WE
KNOW THAT IS B.S.
IT’S ABOUT HIDING WITH THE BRITS
ARE KNOWN FOR.
YEAH, THOSE GNARLY TEETH.
USA!
[LAUGHTER]
I DON’T EVEN THINK THEY WATCH
THIS SHOW OVER THERE.
THEY WANTED TO PUT THIS THEORY
TO THISTO THE TEST HERE IN THE S
>> THE DOCTOR SAID MY RASH IS
NOT CONTAGIOUS.
MY BLIND DATE IS HERE, GOT TO GO
GO.
>> YOU MUST BE CHRIS.
♪ ♪
>> I DON’T THINK THIS IS GOING
TO WORK.
>> WHY?
BECAUSE OF THE VIBE, THE MASK.
>> I’VE GOT MY MASK RIGHT HERE.
>> HELLO, GORGEOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER AND
AFTER THAT?
>> Greg: I DON’T KNOW.
WHAT IS JEAN TRYING TO TELL ME? WHY DON’T I NOT GET?
WHY DON’T I NOT GET?
[LAUGHTER]
>> I DON’T KNOW.
>> THE BIG MASK!
[LAUGHTER]
>> I BELIEVE IN BIG MASKS.
I KNOW I DO, BECAUSE WITHOUT
MAKEUP, I AM PROBABLY MORE
ATTRACTIVE WITH A MASK BECAUSE
OF THE ROSACEA I HAVE DEVELOPED
BECAUSE OF THE MASK.
I HAVE GOTTEN LESS ATTRACTIVE,
AND NOW I NEED THE MASK.
I DIDN’T NEED IT BEFORE.
I WAS PERFECT.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, I’M NOT.
I’M SICK OF IT.
ALL THE TV WE WATCH, THEY ARE
NOT WEARING MASKS, WHICH MAKES
SENSE.
THE ACTORS NEED TO CONVEY THE
EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS.
WHY IS THAT CONSIDERED NOT
IMPORTANT FOR THE REST OF US IN
REAL LIFE?
>> Greg: THAT’S TRUE.
ROSACEA, SOUNDS BETTER THAN IT
IS.
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NAME, ROSACEA.
IT’S LIKE A TYPE OF WINE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT, IT’S NOT.
THERE IS NO FUN.
>> WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT MY
SKIN CONDITION?
[LAUGHTER] >> THAT IS GOVERNMENT
>> THAT IS GOVERNMENT
PROPAGANDA, IF YOU ASK ME. >> GIVE YOURSELF A FEW YEARS.
>> GIVE YOURSELF A FEW YEARS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND THIS,
KAT, YOU CAN HIDE THINGS IN YOUR
MOUTH.
IF YOU NEED TO POP SOMETHING IN
HER MOUTH, BEFORE YOU GO TO A
PLANE OR CONCERT.
>> LIKE A TAB OF ACID?
[LAUGHTER]
>> YOU PUT WHATEVER YOU NEED IN
A BAG, PUT IT IN YOUR CHEEK, PUT
YOUR MASCOT.
NO ONE HAS FIGURED THIS OUT
EXCEPT ME.
>> I HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS
EASIER.
THAT WILL MAKE TSA BETTER NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON’T NEED TO TALK TO YOU
ANYMORE.
YOU MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.
[LAUGHTER]
ALL RIGHT, DAGEN, YOU’VE GOT THE
MASKING STUDY, NEIL GORSUCH, THE
LADY IN THE TRUNK.
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO ATTACK?
>> THE KID IN THE CAR WAS 13 IN
THE TRUNK.
THAT’S A LOT MORE COOL RIDING IN
THE TRUNK THAN IN THE CAR WITH
YOUR MOM.
I WILL SEE KAT’S ROSACEA AND
RAISE HER CHRONIC STARS AND
BLEPHARITIS.
>> I DON’T HAVE THAT!
>> THAT’S IN YOUR EYES!
HOW DO YOU GET THE MASK UP TO
YOUR EYES, YOU WEIRDO?
>> I AM HERE TO BRING YOU NEWS:
THE INSTANCES OF EYE INFECTIONS
AND BLEPHARITIS, EYE PROBLEMS,
HAVE GONE THROUGH THE ROOF, LIKE
50% INCREASE, DOUBLED SINCE
COVID BECAUSE OF THE MASK.
IT CAUSES EXCESS OIL PRODUCTION
IN YOUR EYE GLANCED. I HAVE A MASK ON.
I HAVE A MASK ON.
"IGNORE THIS GIANT STY, THIS
GOITER ON MY NECK THAT IS THE
SIZE OF KERMIT THE FROG."
[LAUGHTER]
I HAVE FAIRLY DECENT TEETH, ALL
I GOT GOING FOR ME.
DON’T LOOK AT MIKE ROWE’S FEET.
[LAUGHTER]
I NEED THE OPPOSITE OF A MASK.
[LAUGHTER]
>> THE FORM -- I WAS RECENTLY ON
THE "GUTFELD!" SHOW.
>> THAT COULD EXPLAIN WHAT
HAPPENED TO PELOSI’S EYEBROWS.
IF IT ALL MOVES UPWARD -- HER
EYEBROWS, HAVE YOU SEEN THEM LATELY?
THOSE WORTHY ARCHES.
OF THESE THREE STORIES, WHICH
ONE -- IT’S ALSO SAD.
"MASKS MAKE YOU HOT -- NO THEY
DON’T.
YOU NOTE ELSE?
TEQUILA.
[LAUGHTER] AND READ OVER THERE, DRUNKIE
>> AM I RIGHT OVER THERE,
DRUNKIE?
>> YOU I AM A CRIPPLING
ALCOHOLIC.
[LAUGHTER]
>> THE COMMON ASSUMPTION IS IF
YOU DO NOT WEAR A MASK THAT
THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH
YOU.
THEY ARE DOING THIS STUDY.
THEY ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE
STUDY IS JUST BY LOOKING AT IT.
"I GET IT, I’M SUPPOSED TO PICK
THAT.
WE WILL DO IT THIS WAY."
OR, THERE IS SOMEONE AT THE CDC
WITH A MASK FETISH WHO DOESN’T
WANT TO LET IT GO.
>> IF THIS IF YOU HAVE A MASK FE
THIS IS THE GOLDEN AGE.
>> IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A
FOOT FETISH AND THERE ARE
FOOTLOCKER COMMERCIALS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> MASKS, YOU CAN BARELY READ
OUT OF THEM.
>> GOOD TIMES.
[LAUGHTER]
WE’VE GOT TO GO.
ENOUGH OF THIS.