Let's kick things off with TikTok.
It's the app that taught me how to make spaghetti
in a washing machine.
But it also gave me adult ADHD.
Look at my pen.
Isn't this cool?
Fo-- focus, focus.
But if you work for the government,
your TikTok days are numbered.
Because the White House just announced
that federal agencies have 30 days to delete TikTok
from all government phones.
Yeah, that's right.
President Joseph R. Boner Killer thinks
that China could spy on us.
But that's stupid because they use balloons now, Joseph.
And you know what?
China also thinks that this ban is stupid.
REPORTER: A Chinese official is responding to this move
this morning saying, quote, "As the world's most powerful
country, the US needs to be more self-confident
instead of being so afraid of an app loved by young people."
[laughter]
OK, China.
Oh, what, you trying to press me?
Oh, you think America isn't self-confident?
We call our national champions world champions.
You understand?
Listen, we called dibs on the moon.
That's our moon.
We invaded the wrong country and stayed there for 20 years.
You think I don't have the self-confidence to just
mindlessly stare at my phone?
I'll do it right now, China.
I'll give my soul to this thing right now, Chi--
[bleep] ADD, [bleep] ADD.
But seriously, do you want to know how I know that China
is really playing us?
China doesn't use the same TikTok.
Chinese TikTok has a time limit for kids.
It's capped at 40 minutes because China
is smart enough to follow the fourth rule
of the 10 Crack Commandments--
never get high on your own supply.
[laughter]
But let's move on because Biden isn't
just moving against TikTok.
He's also trying to kill student debt.
And today the Supreme Court heard
arguments about whether canceling student
debt was legal.
Now, you know this issue.
There's basically two camps, right?
There's one group that says let's go clear history
on everybody's student debt.
Right?
What do you think about that?
[cheering]
Don't do that.
Just to be clear, I'm not paying your student loan debt.
I'm Hasan Minhaj.
I'm not Oprah, OK?
[laughter]
But then there's another group of Kirkland Signature dads
going, hey, I had to work 30 hours a day
to pay off my student debts.
I got [bleep] by life, and so should you, kids.
And, dads, I hear you.
No one should be happy.
But I promise you, even if student debt gets canceled,
life is going to curb stomp your kids anyway.
They're already [bleep].
They don't have health insurance.
They're not going to be able to buy a house.
And at some point, they'll run out of clean water.
So don't worry, boomers.
You'll get what you always wanted--
vengeance on your own children.
[laughter]
Now the big story that I want to talk about
is all the drama in news media.
Apparently, everyone at GMA is [bleep] the same guy.
But these days, the most scandalous place in TV news
is Fox News.
Now you're probably thinking, Fox News, oh, shit.
They're still out here, smashing in these streets,
calling women hags.
Nope!
Those days are over.
They're dealing with this--
cumbersome, ugly hardware.
These are voting machines made by Dominion, who no one had
ever heard of until Fox put them at the center
of a mass conspiracy.
Fox said Dominion stole the election
with these R2-D2-looking janitor carts.
And now Dominion is suing Fox for $1.6 billion.
And the lawsuit is airing out Rupert
Murdoch's dirty laundry.
There was breaking news tonight involving Fox News
and owner Rupert Murdoch, acknowledging under oath
that Fox News hosts endorsed false election fraud claims.
REPORTER: It's a candid admission from Fox News boss
Rupert Murdoch about how his network handled Donald Trump's
lie about the 2020 election.
Murdoch acknowledging quote, "some of our commentators
were endorsing false claims that the election was somehow
stolen from former President Trump."
Explosive, newly-revealed testimony in the Dominion
voting systems lawsuit.
Shocking new revelations, new bombshell admissions
under oath.
Oh, is it a bombshell?
Is it?
Is it shocking?
Is it explosive?
What?
Fox knew the election wasn't stolen,
but they said it anyways?
That's not shocking.
If Brian Kilmeade ever completed a Wordle,
that would be shocking.
Now I'm not shocked.
But I will say I am very entertained.
Because of this lawsuit, a bunch of Fox News hosts
had to release their text messages.
And y'all know this.
Yeah. No, no, no.
You know this.
There's LinkedIn you.
And then there's iMessage you.
That's the deep, dark underbelly
of who you really are.
And, boy oh boy, were these iMessages good.
REPORTER: New court filings show that in private Fox hosts
Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, and Sean Hannity
were brutally ridiculing the claims of election fraud
and the people who were making them.
REPORTER: Top Fox hosts privately trashed the Trump
legal team for lying.
As Tucker Carlson texted Laura Ingraham,
"Sidney Powell is lying.
It's insane."
Ingraham responded, "Sidney is a complete nut."
REPORTER: Tucker Carlson referred to Donald Trump
as a demonic force.
REPORTER: The private mockery also targeted
Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani.
Sean Hannity wrote, Giuliani is "acting
like an insane person," while Ingraham
remarked, "Such an idiot."
[laughter]
Oh, my god.
Do you realize what this means?
These people are
secretly, sane.
[laughter]
They also don't respect anyone they have on their show.
These guys are texting each other all day
about how bullshit Fox News is.
Their group chat is basically MSNBC.
[laughter]
But out of everything we learned about Fox News,
there was one text that came out in discovery
that truly freaked me out.
It's when Tucker Carlson said Fox
News had to be more supportive of Donald
Trump's election claims.
REPORTER: Tucker Carlson wrote his producer Alex Pfeiffer,
"Do the executives understand how much credibility and trust
we've lost with our audience?
We're playing with fire for real.
An alternative like Newsmax could be devastating to us."
Do you understand what he's saying here?
He's saying, if I don't say this bullshit,
my viewers will leave me.
This whole time we thought Fox News
was manipulating its viewers.
But it turns out the viewers were manipulating Fox News.
[laughter]
So just think of it like this, OK?
Tucker Carlson is a moral vacuum, a hole,
if you will, who glorifies election deniers,
so a glory hole.
And his viewers expect him to please them with his mouth.
And he's constantly terrified that they'll find a new, more
satisfying glory hole.
And that's why Tucker Carlson will never stop sucking.
[laughter]
For more on these revealing texts,
we turn to a man I've known for years,
my good friend Michael Kosta.
My dude, Michael.
[cheering]
What's happening, man?
So great to see you, Michael Kosta.
Now let's talk about this.
These text messages, they're devastating for Fox, right?
Absolutely, they're so embarrassing.
I mean, being caught texting with your coworkers,
how humiliating, you know?
What kind of losers have friends at work?
[laughter]
I thought we were friends.
And that's what's especially embarrassing for these hosts
is that they could have avoided all this just by not giving
their phones to the court.
The court won't know about your embarrassing texts
if you don't give them your texts.
Duh.
No, they didn't give them their texts.
They were forced to turn them over with a subpoena.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
Michael, a court can force you to hand
over your text messages.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Texts are private.
HASAN MINHAJ: No, no, no, they're not.
You can get them through a legal process called--
oh, my god.
Let's focus.
Listen, let me ask you this.
Do you think this lawsuit will finally end the election
fraud claims once and for all? - I guess.
It depend-- so-- so wait.
So wait.
You're telling me that-- that if--
Oh, my god.
If somebody hypothetically was running a slip and fall
insurance scam with my grandma and her roommate
at the nursing home--
What?
--a court could get those text messages?
Yeah, easily, Michael.
That would be very incriminating too.
OK, well, the blue bubbles, but not the green, right?
Because--
What?
Because Beatrice--
Beatrice is on Android and is just too set
in her ways to switch, right?
They can get every kind of bubble, Michael.
What are you-- are you my [bleep] dad?
Let's focus on Fox News.
Listen.
Jesus Christ.
What's happening right now is an existential crisis.
Financial loss is one thing, but the integrity
of journalism in newsrooms-- - Jesus.
What are you doing?
I'm-- I'm just clearing some space off my phone.
I mean, Jesus Christ, I have a lot of texts.
Dude, deleting texts is not going to work.
It's not going to help anything.
A court can still find them in the cloud.
Well, yeah, but not if it's password protected.
It's password protected.
Yeah, is your password 1111?
Oh, my god.
They're going to know everything,
and they're going to flip Beatrice for sure.
Nana, you-- you have to smother Beatrice.
Do it with the pillow that says, bless this mess.
Kosta, are you live texting a murder plan?
No, Hasan. I'm not stupid.
I'm emailing her. It's a totally different app.
They can still do that!
It's the same thing! Oh, my god!
- OK, I got it. - What are you doing?
Watch this. Watch this.
Boom. - Oh, my god.
Boom, all right?
There, good luck nabbing me now, federales, OK?
Talk to my lawyer, Poland Spring.
[laughter]
Hey, would you mind calling me an Uber?
It's just--
What's your address?
Panama.
Michael Kosta, everyone.