OVERLY DRAMATIC MUSIC
Marco! RECORD SCRATCH
Ciao! MICHAEL LAUGHS
Have you heard of Jane Miller...
..from Corby, Northamptonshire?
I've never heard of her. OK.
Well, I have been in her lovely home, in Corby,
and I've raided her freezer without her knowing.
She's here holidaying on the cruise
and we are going to serve her own food back to her.
So, you've turned into a food thief.
So, let me show you what I've managed to source.
Right. We've got some spicy...
She's written on it, "Spicy soup."
There you go.
Spicy... Spicy with an...
With an E.
"Spice-EY!"
Spice-EY! How would you present a soup, though,
in a Michelin-star restaurant? In a bowl. Brilliant.
How do you...? Genius! THEY LAUGH
OK. Oh.
Shepherd's pie,
an absolute classic heartland dish.
I'll open that up.
Edible. Nutritious.
Delicious. Brilliant!
I think it'll present well.
And then finally, dessert.
I've managed to whip out of her freezer
a lovely bread and butter pudding.
So that's going to be a bit of a challenge.
But we'll see, ultimately,
how she reviews her very own food... Her own food.
You deal with the food, I'll sort the room out. Take care.
Here we are at the cruise ship
fine dining restaurant.
Isn't it spectacular?
And of course, we've rigged the whole place up with cameras.
So, there's a camera up here. Hello!
Jane is going to be led to her table.
She'll be sitting here with her daughter, Laura,
where her own food will be served to her.
Plus a few extra surprises.
So as the restaurant is filling up with actors posing as diners,
it's time for Jane to arrive.
Oh, and there, hanging up in the restaurant,
is the painting I stole from her bedroom.
Hello! Good afternoon.
Good afternoon. Welcome to Epicurean.
Thank you very much.
Let service commence.
Jane, you probably remember in your own home,
just outside it, is a bush.
Well, I took some clippings from that bush
and, well, they've made it all the way over here.
So this has all been chopped from your bush.
So what we're going to do is we've selected the very best ones
for you and we're going to pop it either side
of your "spice-EY" soup,
which is now entitled, "Veloute of spiced autumn vegetables."
It's not a soup after all -
it's a veloute!
What's going on top there? Be careful.
A little coconut milk. Coconut milk. I'll allow it.
We should just set up a little bit of this,
make it look nice. Sprig, sprig. Got to sprig it. Got to sprig it.
For the presentation, so it's not a sad little dish. OK.
And we put this on to disguise.
There we are.
Service, my friend.
So...
..has been heated up and renamed...
..with a side of bush.
Ladies. That's your first course.
Veloute of spiced autumn vegetables.
Thank you.
You got a spice-EY soup there.
Enjoy. BOTH: Thank you.
INDISTINCT Hm?
Oh.
Jane has now picked up a cutting of her bush...
..and she's smelled it. It's been there for years. Yeah.
It's the smell she wakes up to - on the way to work.
She likes it.
Little bit. There you go.
First bite of soup, she went, "Gorgeous."
Right? So she loves her own soup.
But then now she's come back with,
"Could do with a bit more kick." Bit more spice?
Mm!
A bit more spic-EY! SPIC-EY!
Thank you.
I hope you enjoyed the soup.
It was gorgeous.
Now, I also took from your wardrobe,
these absolutely beautiful,
fetching blouses.
What I'm going to do
is ask these two lovely ladies
to put on Jane's clothes
and we'll see if she notices.
You're actually going to sit
on the table next to her.
OK. There you go.
All right. Pop those on over the top.
OK, Josh, would you please seat these lovely ladies
in Jane's clothes?
INAUDIBLE
LAUGHTER
Well done, Jane.
Though I'm not sure she's realised
they are her OWN clothes from her wardrobe.
Now, this is very much...
The ragout de Dexter.
Ah, yes, otherwise known as... Shepherd's pie.
..shepherd's pie. Of course it is.
Right, I'm going to follow your lead.
OK. So a little...
Just make little pyramids.
So this is all Jane's mash.
There we are, my friend.
When you put it in the oven, it starts to relax.
Service!
..is now...
You did, Jane! She did! You did!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're now going to attempt something...
..I'm going to say very risky.
When I went round to Jane's house,
I saw an ornament
of her pride and joy.
Oh. He's very cute, isn't he?
So what we're going to do
is we're going to pop this ornament,
that I found in your conservatory in Corby...
What do you think, Marco? I think he should go there. Yeah.
So Milo sits on a cake for a fake birthday on the table next to Jane.
ALL: # Happy birthday to you
# Happy birthday, dear Susan
# Happy birthday to you! #
DINERS APPLAUD
I have!
No way! Yeah.
Milo?
So we're reshaping the bread and butter pudding.
Looks better already, doesn't it?
It's amazing what a cutter does.
That is amazing.
..is now....
Served to her by the restaurant's brand-new waiter!
Marco, I'm-I'm heading out!
I can't laugh because this moustache is only just glued on.
This is the most nervous I've been for a while.
Je m'appelle Jane...
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now it's the end of the meal,
here comes Marco to see what Jane thought of her own food.
Enjoy your lunch, ladies.
Hello! Hi. How are you?
How are you?
Lovely menu. You're looking very elegant.
And tell me, how was lunch?
It was just great.
The ragout of Dexter, what did you think?
Midweek?
Midweek supper?
Really?
Yeah, it's his.
I've been sweating my fingers to the bone for you.
LAUGHTER
Safe travels on Monday.
Thank you very much. Lovely to meet you. Take care. Thank you.
Hello there.
So, Jane, I don't think, for a moment,
you had any idea what was happening to you.
I literally need to get off this ship.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday.
I've got to get this back in your house.
I've got to get the dog back to your house.
I've got to get the picture back on your wall.
I'm heading back to Corby!