- Welcome to this month's Patron's Choice video,
the topic you've chosen this month is recharging.
Specifically, what does recharge look like?
So today I'm going to tell you a bit
about what recharge looks like for me.
What I find really tiring,
which is the reason that I need to crash so often
and spend so much time in this mode.
What I find relaxing and specifically,
what you can do if I'm in this mode,
and I don't have a lot to give in that sense.
So, this topic is continuing the theme from last week's
Aspie interview around having good days and bad days.
So, most people will see a certain side
of me most of the time when I have energy.
And when I don't have energy,
I look very very different to that.
So, what does that look like?
When I run out of energy, I essentially lose the ability
to make decisions and think about things.
So, what that will physically look like,
is I will often shut my eyes or de-focus
cause it becomes really really difficult to focus on things.
So I might sort of walk around a bit squinty,
or resting my head on my hand or on a table or on a wall,
or something like that.
So, I lose the ability to make decisions,
I lose the ability to focus with my eyes on anything.
I lose the ability to speak.
It's not so much that I lose it completely,
it's just that speaking becomes
an incredible amount of effort.
The analogy I use for that is,
it's kind of like I'm really tired, I'm sick in bed,
I'm cozy and wrapped up, and someone rings the doorbell.
And I think, "Ah, that's a friend of mine,
I don't want to ignore it,
do I get up and answer the door or not?"
So I get up, I put a dressing gown on,
I put some slippers on and go on open the door.
And they say, "Hi!"
Like, "Hi, look, I'm really sick at the moment.
I just want to stay in bed, can we talk another time?"
So, that's kind of how it feels
to be in recharge mode for me.
I actually call it zombie mode, because what I can do,
is I can respond to things
that are in my immediate vicinity.
So, if someone is talking to me, or if someone is
playing a game or something, I can respond to that.
But what I can't do is actually think about things
and make a decision.
Because essentially my decision making part of my brain
has shut down.
That brings me to talk about what is tiring?
And why I get into this position in the first place.
And I can remember a conversation I had with a friend
years ago now, and I was getting really frustrated
with the fact that I am so tired so often.
He has three kids and he was telling me about
all the stuff he was doing, and I was thinking,
"How on earth could someone possibly have that much energy?"
And, he reminded me that, I burn very very brightly.
So when I'm on, I'm really on,
and my brain can do a lot of things very intensely.
But what that means is that I use up all of my energy
very quickly, doing what others would kind of see
as basic things.
So, I made a video on executive functioning
a little while back, and explained how sometimes it feels
like I have to make so many decisions because I don't have
the automatic reactions for that.
So, what is tiring is, making decisions, especially,
deciding what to do next.
So, you can see how this plays out in social situations
for example.
In an unstructured social environment, what do I do next?
Who do I speak to, what do I say?
All of that is really really draining.
So, the other thing that's really tiring for me personally
is using my eyes, especially looking at screens.
So, that is something that can't really be avoided
very easily these days.
I use my phone for almost everything.
If I want to look up how to get somewhere,
if I want to call someone,
if I want to find some information, it's all on my phone
which is really tiring, because I'm constantly having
to look and focus my eyes on a screen.
I think that's some kind of visual processing thing now.
I'm still trying to figure out what that is
and why it makes me so tired.
But one of the annoying downsides to that
is, because screens are so tiring, it takes away a lot of
typical relaxation methods that other people use.
So, watching TV, going to the movies, reading a book.
All of those things, I can't do them when I'm tired
because I've spent all of my visual energy or something,
focusing, and now I can't do that anymore.
Okay, so what actually is relaxing?
So, if the opposite of making decisions,
is when I don't have to make a decision.
That's any kind of automatic process,
so, routine for example, is very easy.
I do the same thing every day.
This and this and this and this and this.
And I don't need to think about what's next
because it's really obvious with the routine.
It's actually very similar if someone else
is telling me what to do.
So, for example, I would never go to the gym
by myself because I would need to choose what to do.
Whereas if I'm in a class or something,
or some kind of bootcamp where someone is telling me
exactly what to do,
regardless of whether I wanna do it or not.
That's actually really relaxing
because I don't need to think about what to do.
So, what that actually looks like?
What I use, I go for a walk.
I have a route that I often walk.
I don't need to decide which way I'm gonna go,
I just go for a walk. That's very relaxing.
I listen to music.
I really love sports that I'm good at like tennis,
or playing board games or card games.
Or anything where I just don't have to make a decision.
Now, interestingly, another really good way
for me to not have to make a decision
is to be with other people.
Cause if I'm in a group of other people,
I don't have responsibility for anything.
I don't need to decide what to do next
cause there are other people around
and we will, as a group, decide what to do next.
So, this is actually quite counter intuitive
to a lot of people.
Because if I'm in a space where I can't talk,
I can barely open my eyes,
I don't wanna think about anything,
that kind of gives the impression
that I don't wanna be around people.
Whereas, actually the opposite is true.
If I'm alone, I need to decide everything for myself.
And, if I do want to be alone and I want to follow a routine
or I want to do something that I know is relaxing,
I can go off and do that by myself.
And that's really easy for me.
So, if I put myself in a situation
where there are other people,
it means that I wanna be around those other people.
Sometimes it's not received very well.
So, I made a video called Offensive Behavior When I'm Tired.
And, other people don't always know how to respond to me
in that situation because I'm kind of
giving off mixed messages.
I wanna be around but I don't wanna talk to you.
Like, how does that work?
So, essentially, what I want from you,
when I'm in that situation,
is I want to be accepted as I am.
I wanna be able to be in a situation and belong
to that situation without having to do anything.
So, I can actually respond really well.
It might look like I'm not paying attention to anything,
but actually I'm picking up everything that's going on.
And I'm gonna respond, probably physically.
I might not be talking but I'll still be communicating.
I think one of the reasons that I really enjoy that space
is because I don't want to feel as though,
when I am tired, I'm not allowed to be around people.
Cause that would introduce an extra level
of social anxiety, because I get tired really quickly.
I get tired really suddenly sometimes.
And so, if I had to plan an escape route every time,
just in case maybe I don't have the energy
to keep up this mask in this situation,
then that would be really draining,
just preparing for that and worrying about that.
So if I know that if at any time I really need a break,
I can take a break.
If at any time I need to just put my head on the table
while everyone else is having a conversation
and have a 15 minute power nap,
which has happened, then I can do that.
And it's really relaxing for me,
and I'll wake up 15 minutes later
and I'll be fresh and ready to go again.
Anyway, so hopefully you're getting
a bit of a sense of this.
I guess one of the reasons that I'm passionate
about sharing this is because it's very hard
for a lot of people to see me standing here,
talking to you, moderately eloquently.
I seem to have everything together.
Can you imagine me being nonverbal
and having my brain hurt at the concept of a question like,
"What would you like for dinner?"
That hurts my brain when I have to think about it,
when I don't have the energy to think about it.
Anyway, so this is what I look like when I recharge.
Thanks for watching.
If you would like to have your say
in next month's Patron's Choice video,
you can become a Cup of Coffee Supporter of this channel
for less than a dollar a week, so consider that if you want.
I also wanna acknowledge
that I know everyone recharges differently.
So maybe let me know how it is for you in the comments.
And if you have an Aspie friend,
why don't you ask them, "How do you recharge?
What do you do, what do you look like?"
And you might find a whole new side
of a person that you haven't seen before.
So, that's been this video on, What Does Recharge Look Like?
Hope you've enjoyed it, and I'll see you again another time.
Bye.
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