It is a quiet night as everyone in Dream Land sleeps.
However, a looming threat comes over a peaceful flock of sheep -
And it’s a generic octopus monster.
Startin’ this Kirby anime ad for Nightmare in Dream Land off right by not showing us one character from the games in the opening scene.
Oh, and then we see the sheep fearing for their lives, and the farmer or shepherd or whatever comes out only to be covered
in the assumably still moist bones of every sheep he has ever taken care of.
Then the octopus fucks off to this castle.
Fuckin’ Kirby: Right Back at Ya, everyone.
Have fun, kids.
We see Kirby being whisked through the stars on a star-shaped ship, I guess to blend in.
The lazy bastard’s asleep until an alarm goes off,
then he goes into the opening of
Doctor Who is what I think is what I’m referencing here.
Then he’s taken to more space which is totally different from the space he was looking at before.
Enough of the main character and the reason children are watching, let’s look at these fuckin’ OCs.
King Dedede is having his 2am dinner, I guess,
when the farmer and some of these other minor enemies come to complain
and hopefully get compensation for the years of therapy they need after watching a giant fuckin’ octopus strip the flesh of their animals’ skeletons.
Then being covered in said skeletons.
Look, I know the Kirby games can get pretty violent,
but they overlay it with pastel colors and cutesiness that is severely lacking here.
Also this shit never happened.
I think the most gruesome thing I’ve seen is Kirby is Marx’s corpse floating in space,
but he came back so it’s fine.
Speaking of which, why isn’t Marx in this show?
Okay, anyway, these two annoying fucks named Tiff and Tuff run up to Paul Lynde snail.
And yes, I’m using the English dub, because that’s the one I’m familiar with, and I’m bad with subtitles due to my shitty fucking ADD.
Occasionally, yes, I will touch on things the orginal did different if I feel it’s worth it,
but in general, I’m sticking to this sweet, sweet, 4Kids dubbing.
So, Escargoon is mad at Annoying and Even More Annoying and advocates for child abuse.
Escargoon: "Your parents should slap you silly."
Again, we’re off to a great start.
And Tiff’s like, “Something weird is happening, Dad.”
And her dad’s like, “Yes, I do believe you’re correct that an octopus flying around and eating livestock is rather odd.”
So, they realize that this is King Dedede’s fault, since most problems in Dream Land historically are.
And Dedede, who is like this southern governor type, is like,
[horrid Southern accent] "Now, I might just be an old fashioned penguin king,
but I do declare that this octopus that I am now specifically pointing out to you that you didn’t notice before,
is not the octopus monster you are all complaining about."
So, Dedede gaslights them, Tiff makes this face, and the octopus reacts to Tiff about as well as I do.
Seriously, we could have had anyone from the game be in her role.
Like, Adeleine or Ribbon, or…
I don’t know, MARX.
He's a villain in the game,
but this show sure wouldn’t give a fuck about changing a villain to an ally.
So, everyone in Dreamland goes to consult with the giant omniscient mystical,
painfully minor enemy from the game that has a weirdly important part now, Kabuu.
And he’s like, “What the fuck do you all want?”
“We want to know why this role wasn’t given to a more fitting character? Like Nova or something.”
“Would you shut up with your useless nerd rage, you entitled gamer fucks?”
Okay, they actually ask him about the sheep thing, what should they do,
vent about the terrible leadership in their country, suddenly this is becoming relatable...
But where’s the monster, how do we make it stop?
Kabuu's like, “The monster is here. Dedede did it. Dream Land’s fucked.”
Oh, well, thanks for telling us some completely new information, you fucking minor enemy piece of shit.
Also, he says there’s nothing they can do. This was a productive town meeting, I'm glad we got this accomplished.
He tells them that their one hope is a person who is a Star Warrior named Kirby.
And you know what, I’m not gonna nerd rage about this.
There being a group of people called Star Warriors who have special powers and can take down these nightmare monsters is a cool addition I actually like.
It adds a narrative to a very narrative-less universe.
I could see it fitting into the games. But it’s only in this anime, which only resembles the games when it feels like.
So, Tiff imagines Kirby to be her anime husbando.
Then King Dedede is mad at Kabuu for giving them this top secret totally not easily figured out information,
and says there’s no such person as Kirby, except for all those people named Kirby.
Then just as Dedede is about to destroy a sacred monument
because he’s a tyrant who has no respect for the country he rules or the things and people in it…
[siiigh]
Oh, holy shit, it’s KIRBY. What are the odds?
So, Dedede thinks he’s an invading alien and immediately tries to kill him.
They figure out it’s Kirby, and are horrified that this thing that in no way resembles an anime husbando is a warrior that supposed to save them.
Then Dedede just punts him into a fucking valley,
because attacking baby aliens is a great was to get your approval ratings up.
And everyone’s like,
"How come we’re animated traditionally and you're in this weird limited CGI?
It really makes you stand out in a bad way. I don't like it."
But Dedede tells them that this thing that literally just got here must be the thing eating the sheep,
even though there's
nothing yet to suggest that.
So, the greatest parents in the world let their two children climb down an unstable rocky chasm to find Kirby.
No equipment or adult supervision or anything. Amazing.
SURPRISE, Tiff falls, but Kirby can fly, so it’s cool.
Come on, Kirby…
no one would know…
So, Tuff gets down there with just no problem apparently.
He just hops down like nothing.
So, Lololo and Lalala, who are named Fololo and Falala
for reasons the internet is just not telling me other than “FUCKIN 4KIDS.”
But I don’t know, maybe it like a copyright problem with the Adventures of Lolo game that they starred in.
I don't... know.
Anyway, uh, Lolo and Lala say…
Oh my god, I went on a tangent and it made me forget what I just watched.
They suggest that, hey, maybe Kirby is a Star Warrior.
You know, that thing that the all-knowing oversized minor enemy told us.
And Tiff’s like, “No, that fucker lied.
Warriors are pretty boys with mussed up blonde hair that I can buy figurines of at cons
and not do anything weird with them, of course.
Not cute and puffy!"
Okay...
I know he hasn’t been introduced yet, but Tiff is acquainted with Meta Knight.
Granted, Meta Knight has a fuckin' sexy voice, and has that mask,
but he’s also a ball person that’s barely two feet tall, and he’s a badass warrior.
Come to think of it, why isn’t Meta Knight doing shit about this monster problem?
I’m sure the comment section will ACTUALLY me to death for asking that, so let’s end this tirade.
So, Kirby CG floats himself to the top of this cliff,
and looks at the view of Dream Land, and is like, "This barely resembles my game at all."
"Where the fuck are yellow blocks, and the key monkeys, and the cliché ice world?"
So, Lala’s like,
Lala: "This is Cappytown."
Tuff: "And the people are called Cappies!"
Oh, so this is Kirby equivalent of Ponyville.
Also, that’s just a weird line.
This is Norwegianville, the people are called Norwegians!
Why am questioning things?
So, Tiff brags about being some rich bitch who lives in the castle.
And Kirby’s voice changes surprisingly once he has to say dub names.
Normal Kirby: "Kaabii! Kaabii!" [note: sounds enough like "Kirby" to where they didn't bother to dub it out]
Obviously Dubbed Kirby: "Named Tiff."
Then Roppin’ Rowdy Dedede comes to fuck shit up some more,
and runs Kirby over with his tank.
And in the interest of the video not being a millennia long, let’s skip to the dinner party.
So, they’re having this dinner and, surprise, Kirby fucks it up and eats everything.
It's like...
guys, you just watched him swallow a watermelon whole like a snake eating a rat,
you don’t have my permission to be that surprised.
Also, what he swallowed appeared to include an entire bottle of wine,
someone wanna might take him to a hospital.
So, they just get unreasonably pissed at this toddler, despite Tiff previously stating that he has no idea what they’re saying.
Tiff: "Kirby doesn't understand what you're saying anyway!"
So... why would he now that you’re yelling?
Then Kirby fucks off, because it’s like toddlers don’t like being yelled at or something.
They find him in the decimated pile of sheep bones, and now have a reason to think that maybe he did it,
unlike earlier, except wait at least a few of them know that it was an octopus
and Kirby just got here this morning. You all saw it.
So, they try to help out Kirby, saying they can send him to nice rehabilitation center,
but then they’re interrupted by Sword and Blade Knight just busting down the door.
Like… wasn’t even locked, guys.
Anyway, these are Meta Knight's lackeys, Sword Knight and Blade Knight,
who are actually characters from the game that make some amount of sense as henchmen for Meta Knight.
Even though you could have just plucked anybody from his Halberd team,
but why nerd rage when I’m not even mad?
I haven’t played Super Star in awhile, so I’ll just assume they were there somewhere.
Here’s the thing about them though.
Sword Knight, you’re fine, you’re lovely. You’re doin’ a great job, sweetie.
Blade Knight. What the fuck is up with the way you talk?
It's like...
Dream Land’s Boomhauer.
Blade Knight: [incoherent garble meant to resemble a sentence]
“Dang ol’ we lookin’ fer d-dang ol’ Kirby, man. I tell you what, man.”
This was not like this in the original, and I know I said I wasn’t going by the original,
but I can’t figure out the thought process behind this creative choice.
But that doesn’t matter because then the objectively best character in show comes forward at last.
[fierce Spanish guitar music]
[passionately but quietly] FUCK YES.
And fuck anyone who has ever complained about Spanish accent Meta Knight, it is a beautiful and valid interpretation of the character.
Anyway, Meta Knight comes in and really wants to stab the shit out of Tiff,
and no one in the room even attempts to stop him!
But Tiff moves out of the way, and Meta Knight finds Kirby.
And just...
What if Tiff just didn’t move there, would Meta Knight go down for murder?
But no, he finds Kirby and is severely disappointed to find that he’s rendering in clunky CGI instead of being hand-drawn.
And Meta Knight has those mood ring eyes, like most OCs made by 5th graders.
Then he just leaves because he can’t stand to be in the same room as Tiff anymore.
But Tiff and Tuff beg Meta Knight to not tell Dedede about Kirby
even though Dedede already knows about Kirby.
And Meta’s like, “The king’s not the problem, we need to find the real monster.”
And Tiff's like,
“You know how some of the Cappies are saying they saw a giant octopus?
Well, Dedede’s pet octopus looked at me with these evil green Satan eyes, does that help?”'
“Oh, well, there we go. Problem solved.
That wasn’t such a chore.”
And then Kirby's pissed
'cause Dedede and Escargoon are touching his car, and Dedede stole his backup car.
Then Dedede’s pissed because he ordered this octopus monster,
and it’s not even being a monster, except all those complaints he heard about an octopus monster.
So, the Nightmare Enterprises salesman with the jawline that just will not quit
assures Dedede that the octopus he ordered is PROBABLY
the octopus that the one Cappy complained ate his sheep.
Could be a different one though,
there’s a lot of them this time of season.
Then Dedede looks at it again
and is surprised the octopus monster is actually an octopus monster -
you know what, you get it...
But I guess the octopus makes Dedede evil...er.
And he starts to beat the shit out of Kirby,
so that means we’re actually pretty early in the game and the Dark Matter fight is still like five worlds away.
And Kirby’s just getting the ever-loving hell beaten out of him,
but just because he doesn’t have a copy ability doesn’t mean he’s useless in a fight.
Just swallow the stars that pop out of his attacks and spit it back at him.
It might take a little longer, but you’ll get there.
So, Meta Knight comes back even though I wasn’t aware he left, and Tiff’s like,
Tiff: "Hey, you're on our side!"
[me, as Meta Knight] “Yes, I guess that wasn’t obvious by me implying I didn’t want the King to know details about Kirby,
and wanting to know where the monster is. Genius work, Tiff, number one detective over here.”
So, it turns out the octopus is the octopus and Meta Knight somehow intuits that it’s taken over Dedede’s mind
even though I’m pretty sure being a dick to Kirby shouldn’t be a shocker at this point in the episode.
Then we see the Cappies, who all seem surprised to see the octo monster again
even though they had pitchforks and torches at the ready.
Was this for something?
Was this for Kirby because you just can’t stand dinner party ruiners?
or were you on your way to overthrow the King, and after this you just…
forgot to continue with that.
So, Dedede is scared and bad CGs into Escargoon,
and Dedede is so unreasonably pissed that the monster he ordered is doing the thing he ordered it for.
I'm sorry.
Am I just repeating myself here?
Like, in my confusion of what exactly Dedede wants from this fucking octopus?
Because it keeps happening, and every time it comes up, it’s just so contradictory.
[me, as Cappies] “Your octopus is attacking our town!”
[me, as Dedede] “Lol no it ain’t teehee.”
“Hey, why ain’t mah octopus bein’ a monster?!”
“Hey, my octopus is bein’ a monster, this ain't what I paid for!”
Am I nitpicking? Is this not even worth pointing out?
Like, I don’t consider myself a reviewer, god no,
I’m really more doing kind of a riff show here.
But it’s like I’m the only one here that's kind of annoyed about the logical inconsistencies in character's motivations
and desires in this 16-year-old anime about a pink orb that slays monsters.
Jesus Christ, this anime is 16...
So, Meta Knight
sics Sword and Blade onto the octopus, and they just
don’t even touch the thing.
You’re doing great, guys.
But OH SHIT
This octopus reproduces like that one species of frog that gives birth out of its back.
Then Kirby gets his shit kicked some more, we’re really making a lot of progress, aren't we?
Then Dedede’s excited that the monster is being a monster.
And Escargoon even kind of acknowledges my weird hang up.
Escargoon: "Sure, now it's a keeper."
So, I guess he only likes it if it’s beating up Kirby,
except he ordered it before he knew Kirby existed and- I’m just going to stop.
Then Kirby turns green, but is cured of being green after he gets his Warp Star!
Sure.
And Meta Knight knows about the Warp Star and tells Tiff that it’s the source of Kirby’s power,
and I guess ‘cause it’s a tense situation, but no one asks,
"Hey Meta Knight,
how did you know that?"
How did know about the Warp Star?
How did you know it’s the source of Kirby’s power? Do all Star Warriors have this?
Do you have a Warp Star that’s the source of your power?
Are you and Kirby the same species in this continuity?
Is he your son or clone or…?
Am I real?
So, this octopus is just destroying the shit out of Dedede’s castle,
but the scene hasn’t changed so I guess neither has Dedede’s opinion of the monster,
so it’s still cool by him.
Then Tiff holds the Warp Star up like it’s the heart of Te Fiti.
And Kirby eats some of the octopus things.
Tiff is surprised by this, but Meta Knight explains that “this is Kirby’s classic defense, inhale.”
WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT?!
Then Kirby is suddenly really good at fighting because…
staaarrr.
And he eats some of the little ones that are on fire for some reason,
and finally we have the easiest thing to do in the game as our climax.
The first showcase of Kirby’s copy ability.
Which, of course, Meta Knight knows all about.
Almost as if him and Kirby are the same species or something,
but let’s not bother to bring that up ever in the hundred episode of this show.
So...
So, because Kirby’s head is now on fire, he can breathe fire, too.
So, Tiff throws the Warp Star, I guess praying that it gets bigger and starts flying
and hey, it does!
So, fighting, fire breathing, and then monster that was never in the games is defeated.
And Dedede’s like,
King Dedede: "There goes my refund!"
UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH-
BUT THEN
Sales Man is talking to OH SNAP
Nightmare from the game this series is promoting!
And also Kirby’s Adventure, I guess.
They just say that Kirby’s a Star Warrior and then the scene ends,
and Nightmare doesn’t do or say anything important.
So, they’re sending Kirby back into space because
They don’t want him to leave, he doesn’t want to leave. Who’s making him leave?
He doesn’t have anywhere to go! He’s got nothing going on!
But whatever, Kirby’s leaving, Tiff makes more stupid faces.
Kirby starts flying off, then King Dedede and Escargoon I guess try to kill him
by taking out the ship despite being the ones who fixed it to send him away.
You know, these logical inconsistencies with Dedede make sense in the game, where I think the intent is that he has a weird relationship with Kirby.
Usually it's because, like, they're friends and Dedede's only ever a dick because he's being possessed
and that happens A LOT.
But this is...
one goddamn episode of a TV show, it’s never said that he’s possessed,
and I don’t know why I haven’t given up on understanding this character’s motivations that he doesn’t have.
So, Kirby’s ship crashes, and he has to enlist the help of these sentient carrots
to find 30 of his ship parts scattered throughout the land,
I mean he has to stay in Dream Land.
His voice changes upon being dubbed some more,
Obviously Dubbed Kirby: "KIRBY!"
And I’m just going to end this before my useless nerd rage kills me.
There’s 100 episodes of this series, and um
I'm not done.
Saddle up, people.
♪ How can I help you, King Dedede? ♪
♪ I NEED A MONSTAH TO CLOBBER THAT THERE, KIRBY! ♪
♪ That's what we do best at NME. ♪
♪ YA BETTER GET IT WITH A MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE!!! ♪