Even Krispy Kreme admits that its own doughnuts aren't healthy.
But they can still be enjoyed in moderation.
So go ahead and live a little and enjoy Krispy Kreme every once in a while.
Just be sure to make good choices when you're there by avoiding these menu items.
Sprinkles exist solely to provide whimsy, and no self-respecting adult should be eating
whimsical food.
And that goes for rainbow sprinkles, chocolate sprinkles, bacon-flavored sprinkles, or whatever
possible version of sprinkles you can dream up.
It's hard to even call sprinkles "food."
They're more like a cheap thrill for the visually jaded.
"is that the last donut with red, white, and blue sprinkles?"
Face it: sprinkles are for 4-year-olds, Captain America, and people who don't realize food
isn't supposed to taste like wax.
They're the lazy man's decoration, superfluous at best and somehow always stale.
This changes the whole point of a Krispy Kreme doughnut.
They're supposed to be soft and doughy, not dry and prickly.
Doughnuts are perfectly capable of being self-contained.
This is an important and useful feature for keeping things like custard and jelly from
dripping all over the place.
It also prevents waste, and helps keep your hands relatively clean.
It's what you might call "effective food engineering."
"What is that, what the f--k is that?
What is that, Private Pyle?!"
"Sir, a jelly donut, sir!"
"A jelly donut?!"
But Krispy Kreme doesn't really see it that way.
Consider the New York Cheesecake doughnut.
It has a creamy cheesecake filling, cream cheese icing, and a mound of graham cracker
crumbles on top.
There's no way those crumbles could ever stay intact.
They fall everywhere: on your clothes, in your car, maybe even in your hair.
A little powdered sugar on a doughnut is one thing, but putting crumbles on top is just
asking for trouble.
Krispy Kreme's super cute doughnut that looks like a strawberry might appear tempting at
first.
But according to the chain's own list of ingredients, the icing may contain red #40, a popular food
dye that's been linked to cancer.
Or it could have red #3, which is possibly responsible for things like thyroid tumors
and chromosomal damage.
Then there's the pineapple doughnut.
It contains yellow #5, which is linked to the aforementioned maladies as well as asthma,
hyperactivity, and violent behavior.
The Key Lime Pie Doughnut also has yellow #5, along with blue #1, which may cause chromosomal
damage and even brain cancer.
Artificial food coloring is basically poison.
Some European countries have actually banned it, and the ones that haven't are required
to use warning labels.
The good news is that the more common side effects of consuming artificial dyes, like
behavioral problems and ADHD in kids, occur in less than 1 percent of the population.
But it's still probably not worth the risk.
Cake doughnuts are hard, dry, and incredibly boring.
Honestly, they shouldn't even qualify as doughnuts.
They should just be called cake.
Unlike yeast doughnuts, cake doughnuts use baking powder as a leavening agent and that's
how they get their texture.
Apparently, people like them because they're so dense that they won't fall apart when dipped
in hot coffee.
But if someone needs to soften up an obnoxiously hard rock that dares to call itself a doughnut,
it's worth noting that there are plenty of Krispy Kreme options that need no modifying
whatsoever.
"You make these last week?
These things hard as hell."
"I bet you'll still eat it."
A cruller is a type of pastry that looks like a tractor tire.
It's not really like a doughnut at all except that it's round with a hole in the middle.
All similarities end there.
Crullers are traditionally made with a light, flaky dough that is typically found in cream
puffs, then deep fried and dipped in a sweet glaze.
But Krispy Kreme makes their crullers the same way they make cake doughnuts, then they
slap some glaze on there and call it a cruller, even though it's clearly not.
Perhaps a more accurate term would be "crullerish" or "cruller-like."
One popular type of cruller is the French cruller, and messing around with French food
is never a good idea.
The French know what they're doing already.
So if you want an authentic cruller, forget about this one and head to a French bakery
instead.
Krispy Kreme states that its version of the classic apple fritter is, quote, "bursting
with cinnamon and apple flavor, all covered in glaze."
A doughnut with actual fruit must be at least slightly healthier than the other options.
But not so fast!
With 350 calories, the apple fritter is actually a pretty terrible choice.
For comparison, a plain glazed doughnut has 190 calories.
The fritter also has 9 grams of saturated fat, which is about half the recommended daily
intake, and 26 grams of sugar.
And to make matters worse, the apples that Krispy Kreme uses are full of preservatives
and smothered in high fructose corn syrup, which is known to cause such ailments as obesity,
diabetes, heart disease, and premature aging.
You're literally better off swallowing a spoonful of lard.
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