- But we had a very good upbringing,
we also have loads of, we have loads of pets,
we had loads of pets, give us a cheer if you've got a pet!
(audience cheering)
I'm very jealous, I'd love to have a pet.
I don't have that kind of lifestyle,
I'm away from home too much and it would be cruel.
So me and my fella, when we've got a bit of time off,
like an afternoon off, we like to go to zoos and aquariums
but you can't always do that
'cause those places are expensive
and they take up a lot of time.
So we have perfected the art of
wandering round Pets at Home.
(audience laughing)
You got to go in with a lot of confidence, you know
that you could totally own a fish, you know.
To be fair, I sometimes wander round baby clothes shops
and I haven't got a baby.
That's a lot weirder.
(audience laughing)
I always think I can pass as a new mam
because I've got a bit of a belly
and I always look knackered.
(audience laughing)
And if I think anybody's suspicious,
I just lob a boob out.
(audience laughing)
That doesn't work in Pets at Home.
(audience laughing)
The last time we were in Pets at Home
they had a special section to one side
of animals that had been reduced.
Just let that sink in for a second.
(audience laughing)
Reduced.
It was one of the saddest things I think I've ever seen.
They had a big rabbit in a hutch,
much bigger than the other sort of sexy rabbits.
Sexy is not the right word is it?
Depends on the rabbit.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
And the big rabbit,
to make it that little bit more heartbreaking,
they'd written a sign for it in the first person.
And the sign said, "Hi, I'm Honey.
I'm a little bit bigger than the other rabbits."
(audience laughing)
"I'm a little bit older than the other rabbits.
Please take me home."
You never expect to come face-to-face
with a rabbit equivalent of your teenage self.
(audience laughing)
I didn't buy it.
It's got to learn.
(audience laughing)
We had loads of pets when we were kids,
we had rabbits and budgies
and hamsters and fish and dogs
we had loads of things.
But whenever they died, we were never told that
we were just told some story instead.
Some lie.
Anybody else have this?
(audience cheering)
Yeah, what lies where you told?
Shout out!
- [Audience Member] Gone to a farm.
- Gone to a farm.
What animal was it love?
- [Audience Member] A dog.
- A dog.
Oh, it's still in your voice, isn't it flower?
Farm, dog, can't talk anymore.
This lady the other day
she said, "My rabbit never died".
I said, what?
"My rabbit never died".
It was just sometimes a different colour.
(audience laughing)
And occasionally it was a Guinea pig.
(audience laughing)
Any others apart from the dog on the farm?
- [Audience Member] My snail ran away.
- What was that love?
- [Audience Member] My snail ran away.
- Your snail ran away.
(audience laughing)
Snail's not a pet, love.
But did it have a name?
- [Audience Member] No.
- No.
(audience laughing)
That's why it ran away, flower.
(audience laughing)
'Cause you didn't give a shit.
(audience laughing)
Any others?
- [Audience Member] Swam down the toilet!
- Swam down the toilet.
I take it it was a fish, was it love?
(audience laughing)
Yes?
- [Audience Member] Yeah it was.
- Yeah, was it, bless you.
Yes, boo hoo.
(audience laughing)
Went for a holiday in the lavvy.
(audience laughing)
There was a lady the other day,
she said that she had had a goldfish.
And when it had died, she'd been told
that it swam away out of the bowl.
And when I was talking to her
a bit of chat broke out at the other side of the audience.
And I thought I better see what's going on over here.
So I finished with the lady
who's fish had swim away out of the bowl.
And I looked across here and I said, "What's going on?".
And over here, it was a lady in her 50s,
another lady in her 70s,
potentially mother and daughter.
And I said, "What's happening?".
And what had happened, the lady in her 50s
had gone, "Ee, that's a shame, isn't it?"
That that lady was lied to about her fish swimming away,
because my fish actually swam away.
Didn't it, mam?".
(audience laughing)
And the old lady was pissing herself laughing.
(audience laughing)
But we had the farm one,
we were told he'd gone to live on a farm
to keep an old man company.
(audience laughing)
When it happened to our dog, we were gutted.
When it happened to me nana, we were thrilled.
(audience laughing)
But my favourite one was a young Geordie lad
when I did the Edinburgh festival last year.
He said he'd had terrapins and he'd been told
they'd left to join the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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