>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO. ALL RIGHT WHAT'S WHAT'S UP?
THANKS, EVERYBODY. PLEASE.
HAVE A SEAT. , I'LL TAKE IT THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. LOUIS, LOUIS, MY FRIEND,
MYCAMPADRE, TONIGHT A COUPLE DLIELTFUL GUESTS, A GUEST WE
HAVEN'T HAD FOR SEVEN YEARS JESSE ISENBERG IS GOING TO BE
OUT-- EISENBERG. AND FROM HIS TV SHOW FLEISHMAN
IS IN TROUBLE. AND COMEDIAN ATSUKO OKATSUKA
WILL BE OUT HERE, VERY FUNNY. BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THAT I WANT
TO LET PEOPLE KNOW, WHAT WONDERFUL PEOPLE YOU ARE, BEFORE
THE COUNTRIES MALL-- CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS TO SUPPORT THE VITAL
MISSION OF FEEDING THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE, AND FOR COUNTRIES FOR
THESE DISPLAYED DISSH DR DISPLACED PEOPLE FROM THE WAR,
WE INTRODUCED A LINE OF IS POTATOE MERCHANDISE.
IS POTATOE. YOU GOT THE SHIRTS, YOU GOT
SWEATSHIRTS. YOU GOT THE HOODIES, PERFECT
THIS TIME OF YEAR. AND FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, HOW
ABOUT A MUG. HOW ABOUT A MUG FOR YOUR LOVED
ONE. JUST SINCE CHRISTMAS Y'ALL HAVE
RAISED WITH THIS MERCHANDISE, $275,000 FOR WORLD CENTRAL
KITCHEN, ALL OF WHICH GOES TO FEEDING THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE,
AND THOSE DISPLACED BY THIS TERRIBLE WAR.
SO THANK YOU. LET'S GET THAT TO HALF A
MILLION, ALL RIGHT? LET'S MAKE THIS A HAPPIER NEW
YEAR THAN 2022 FOR THESE LOVELY PEOPLE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE DONE.
NOW FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW,
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HARVESTING THE
DAY'S RIPEST NEWS BEANS, CAREFULLY DE-PULPING AND
ANAEROBICALLY FERMENTING THEM TO BREW FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE CUP
OF EXCELSA MACHIATO THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, JUST SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP BEING
SPOONED BY A RACCOON INSIDE AN ABANDONED JAMBA JUICE, TOSS
INDUSTRIAL SEPTIC CLEANER, FOUR LOKO, AND BLENDER
LUBRICANTS INTO A BROKEN VITAMIX, THEN POUR YOU THE
PAINT-STRIPPING DEMON-SWILL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE ONLY SWIL I NEED, SOME FRESH CUP OF
HEALTH. MEANWHILE, PEPSI IS CHANGING ITS
ZERO SUGAR RECIPE. IT'S THE NEXT STAGE IN THE
EFFORT TO PERFECT THE RECIPE UNTIL IT ALSO CONTAINS ZERO
PEPSI. PEOPLE WHO'VE TRIED THE NEW
FORMULA CLAIM THAT IT'S VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE ORIGINAL,
BECAUSE IT NO LONGER HAS A "WEIRD AFTER-TASTE."
NOW IT MERELY HAS THE WEIRD "DURING" TASTE.
MEANWHILE, IF NAUGHTY ARCHEOLOGY MAKES YOUR COLUMN DORIC, THEN
YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE A POMPEII RESIDENCE FILLED WITH
EROTIC FRESCOES HAS REOPENED AFTER 20 YEARS, AND INCLUDES A
FRESCO OF THE FERTILITY GOD PRIAPUS.
SWEET SMOKING VESUVIUS! HE IS LITERALLY WEIGHING HIS
SCHWANZ AGAINST A BAG OF GOLD, IN FRONT OF A BASKET OF FRUIT.
MAN, IN THE OLDEN DAYS, THE FARMER'S MARKET WAS INTENSE.
>> Stephen: I'M CURIOUS, I'M REALLY CURIOUS.
WHAT PART OF THAT CBS IS GOING TO LET SHOW.
THEY MIGHT BLUR THE ENTIRE SCREEN.
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS OUT OF OKLAHOMA, WHERE A LOOSE COW WAS
SPOTTED WANDERING OUTSIDE AN OLIVE GARDEN RESTAURANT.
MAYBE IT WAS LOST... MAYBE IT HAD A CRAVING FOR
BOLOGNESE, JUST LIKE THE KIND GRANDMA USED TO BE.
WOW, DID YOU JUST FIND OUT WHERE MEAT CAME FROM.
I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO LEARN THIS WAY.
YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO, WHEN YOU ARE HERE, WE EAT YOUR FAMILY.
MEANWHILE, PEOPLE WHO GET UPSET ABOUT THINGS ARE DOING IT AGAIN.
THIS TIME, THEY'RE UP IN ARMS ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED
"FIREBUDS," WHICH IS A DISNEY TV SHOW, AND SOMEHOW, NOT A STRAIN
OF WEED. IT'S A SHOW FOR TODDLERS ABOUT
KIDS AND THEIR TALKING SENTIENT RESCUE VEHICLE FRIENDS.
BUT "FIREBUDS" HAS EARNED THE WRATH OF THE CONSERVATIVE GROUP
"ONE MILLION MOMS," WHO ARE UPSET BECAUSE ONE OF THE MAIN
CHARACTERS IN "FIREBUDS," VIOLET, HAS TWO MOMS.
WHY IS "ONE MILLION MOMS" UPSET ABOUT A CHARACTER HAVING TWO
MOMS? IS THAT NOT ENOUGH?
(AS PROTESTOR) "WE DEMAND DISNEY ADD 999,998
MOMS! AS GOD INTENDED!"
ANOTHER CONSERVATIVE SITE WARNED PARENTS THAT AXL THE AMBULANCE
HAS TWO VEHICULAR FATHERS. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY UNNATURAL!
A CAR FAMILY IS A MOMMY CAR AND A DADDY CAR, LIKE IN THE KELLY
BLUE BIBLE! IT'S AUDI AND S.U.V., NOT AUDI
AND S.U.-STEVE! MEANWHILE, A NEW TALKING BUTTON
SYSTEM LETS YOU GET A TEXT FROM YOUR DOG.
UH, I'M GOOD. I KNOW MY DOG, BENNY.
AND I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA HOW THAT'S GOING TO GO.
"HI!" "HI!"
"I MISS YOU!" "I MISS YOU!"
"HI!" "SQUIRREL!"
POOP EMOJI! "HI!"
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS. DOGS LEARN TO STEP ON A VARIETY
OF BUTTONS, EACH ASSOCIATED WITH A COMMAND WORD, AND CAN LEARN UP
TO NINE WORDS WITH THE BUTTONS, AND EVEN CREATE WORD
COMBINATIONS LIKE "WATER" PLUS "BONE" TO INDICATE THEY WANT AN
ICE CUBE. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH WHAT
HUMANS MEAN BY "WATER" PLUS "BONE."
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM THE FLORIDA OF SCANDINAVIA, SWEDEN:
AN OUTDATED LAW THAT REQUIRED LEGAL PERMISSION FOR DANCING IN
NIGHTCLUBS AND RESTAURANTS IS NO MORE, BECAUSE THE SWEDISH
GOVERNMENT IS GETTING RID OF PERMITS NEEDED FOR DANCING.
YOU CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT THE FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT TO DANCE IN
THE SWEDISH DOCUMENTARY, "FUÜTLUÜSE."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JESSE EISENBERG.