Wow, uhm...
This doesn't happen very often, does it?
No.
It's quite rare, yeah.
I hate myself.
That.
There.
And I'll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.
Uhm, that was a joke.
-Oh no, I know. I know. -Okay.
I was like "OH".
Okay.
Perv.
Slut.
Wow.
You're almost late.
Did a flash poo in Pret.
Christ. Did you wash your hands?
Of course not.
Oh my God. You are disgusting. Fucking hell.
Hair looks nice.
Oh, fuck off.
Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.
When are you gonna stop bringing that up?
When you do something better?
I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.
You shat in a sink.
Gosh, look at you.
Thank you so much for coming to Women Speak.
Opening women's mouths since 1998.
Please raise your hands
if you would trade
five years of your life
for the so-called perfect body.
We're bad feminists.
Patching things up with Harry?
Yeah, we're uhm...
We're engaged, so...
God, what?
No, we're not engaged.
The next man who walks in here gets ridden to death.
Dad?!
Hi!
Not ideal.
You okay? You look stressed.
Well, I'm successful, so...
-SURPRISE! -*SCREAMING*
It's me! It's me! It's me!
Why'd you do that?
I thought I was gonna get raped!
Baby, I am sorry. I thought you wanted a surprise.
It was a ninja surprise.
Oh my god, my heart.
I am shaking so much. Oh my God.
It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.
Why?
Flaunting your life.
No bang bang?
He says he still got that thing on his...
What?
on his
Go on, you can do it.
-I don't have to say -Yes, you do.
-Come on, little one. -No, not here.
-Come on, please! -No.
-Penis. -Thank you.
He says he still
has that thing on his penis. Sorry.
Christ, woman!
Something wrong with that one, it's got death in his eyes.
Yeah, vet says she's depressed.
Oh.
Aren't we all girl?
Look this is London, just fuck off and buy her something weird and expensive.
No, no. It's gotta be good, alright? Help me!
Pay me and I'll help you.
Fuck off!
How much?
60 pounds!
70!
-Done. -Yeah!
Thank you for asking, yeah.
I am essentially a documentary maker. Dox.
*laughs uncontrollably*
Oh, really?
What is your latest project?
Well sir, I'm interested in life.
Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called?
Twatnav.
Don't make this fun.
SLUT!
YES?
We're gonna die here. We're gonna be raped and die.
Oh, just open the fucking door. It's been fucking forev-
Welcome.
Thank you so much.
-Really wonderful. -Really beautiful grounds. -Extraordinary energy, yeah.
What would you do if someone stole all of those?
I'd kill myself.
What is this? I don't even do this in my own home.
Oh, it's very simple.
We've paid them to let us clean their house in silence.
Your flagrant lack of respect for the one rule that we have here
is now affecting the other students-
clients
-inmates? -cleaners? -PARTICIPANTS!
No thanks. I am trying to quit.
She always does something slightly different around her period.
She gets really bad PMT.
Mom used to call it her monthly confidence crisis, but it's PMT.
The only way she can get through it is to reinvent herself in some small way.
-She mustn't see, she mustn't find out. -Okay.
Mmm, five second rule.
No, I have never bought into that rule.
That's disgusting.
The "Sex"ibition.
But don't panic, it's nothing scary.
It's simply a journey through my physical and sexual life,
climaxing in a few pieces,
inspired by and molded on your father.
And there are photos.
Uhm, I've taken a photo of my naked body every year for the past 30 years.
Why?
Well, I think it's important for women of all ages to see how my body has changed
over the years.
I think they have to have a healthy perspective
on my body.
Nice jumpsuit.
Thank you.
You look well. Where have you been?
Boots.
Lovely there this time of year.
I didn't realize you were allowed out without your doggy thing.
Oh, sorry. Have I disappointed you?
Of course not.
Devastated.
You know the most fascinating thing about Father here is that his mother was originally a lesbi-
-I don't like the taste. -And we're trying for a baby.
Oh, Claire.
We thought you couldn't have them.
What? Why?
Well, you just seem a little
Tell us about Finland.
Oh, well it's uhm...
cold and beautiful and dark.
I think she might be happy.
I wish you could have seen him in
Yeah, they can't even masturbate
Oh, sorry.
Did you always want to join the priesthood.
Oh, fuck no.
Food good?
This sauce is disgusting.
Is everything okay?
Oh, it's delicious. Thank you.
Thought you would be in prison by now.
Oh, well I keep trying but they just won't have me.
I'm sorry about your eye.
Oh, that's okay. Gives me some edge.
I've told them some heroic bullshit.
-Bless you Sandy. -Thank you Father.
I just wanted to pay you back for dinner.
-Oh no, thank you honestly. -Because I, no no really.
-I insist. It will have to be in installments bu I really I just, please. - I don't want it, I don't want it. I got no pockets.
Jesus.
Have you had a check-up?
Yes, it's fine. It really is not a big deal. It happens all the time.
Hello.
No!
What?
He says he will only talk you through potential procedures if you go for a drink with him.
-What? -I know. -Outrageous.
Oh, there is the main event.
-Yeah. -Very talented.
She, uhm...
She... (don't say it)
She, she actually...
Just, just don't say it.
She actually orgasmed when she finished it.
I just said it.
For fuck's sake.
I know people in this building, anyone could come.
-Hi Claire. -Hello Leslie.
Well, that's lovely. What is that?
-33 isn't exactly the -And what had Jesus done by 33?
Died?
Exactly. So, get out there and flirt.
You think I should become a Catholic?
No, don't do that.
I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.
And you're good for me, you make me question my faith.
And?
I've never felt closer to God.
Fuck you!
I don't really think it's... I am not really feeling...
There is nothing really affecting me.
Oh my...
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. What am I gonna say, what am I gonna say?
I sometimes worry
that I wouldn't be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.
He's a bit annoying actually.
What is that?
What?
That thing you're doing. It's like you disappear.
-What? -What are you not telling me?
-Nothing. -Tell me what's going on underneath there.
-Nothing. -Tell me. Come on you can tell me. -No! -Nothing!
-Nothing. -What are you doing?
I look so good.
It's okay, we can sort it out. Just take some of your makeup off.
I am not wearing any makeup.
What?
-What has happened? I have never seen you look so good. -No, I don't know. I just woke up looking amazing.
And then everyone's gonna think that I got a facial for my mother's funeral.
Oh, what the hell, you look incredible.
You go in there, I go in there.
And you make me tell you all my secrets so you can ultimately trap and control me.
Yeah.
-All the best and see you again. I'm sorry. Have a great day, bye. Bye bye, bye. -Oh, goodbye darling. Good luck.
What
a
CUNT
WHAT A CUNT
BASTARD, FUCKING, DON'T TOUCH ME
I NEED TO PAINT, I NEED TO PAINT NOW. SEND THEM AWAY!
-OH MY GOD! -Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
You can't just cancel a wedding.
I don't have a choice.
You have the dress.
Thanks. Uhm, Claire just tell me where you are. What the hell has happened?
Just come. I need you to-
I look like a pencil.
You *laughs*
You don't look like a
Don't laugh!
It's okay!
It's not okay. I am gonna lose my job.
You won't lose your job. It's cool.
It's not cool.
It's edgy.
Oh, fuck off!
No, it's chic.
It's unsalvageable!
Claire, it's French!
Really?
Yes.
I haven't even asked you how you are.
How are you? What's going on with you?
Uhm...
I met someone.
-What? Really? -Yeah.
Oh my God, that's amazing. What does he do?
He's a priest.
How was Claire?