Listen, nobody likes to get played
it can be one of the worst
feelings to ever experience
to have someone play games with you,
give you the run around,
use you and abuse you
only to end up in a
dead end relationship that went nowhere
and you feel like you wasted
all this time with the wrong person.
But I want you to know
you are not doomed to this outcome.
There are things you can do
to avoid this happening.
So, today I'm going to give you
five huge tips to avoid getting played.
Now, my name is Stephan Labossiere
aka Stephan Speaks
your life and relationship coach
here to provide you with
dating and relationship advice
that's going to help you experience
better results and a higher quality of life.
Now, before we get in today's topic of
five tips to avoid getting played
be sure to like this video,
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But also, comment below
if you have a tip you want to suggest
to avoid getting played
or just your feedback on this video.
Now, moving on
to the main topic at hand,
you know, as a coach, I have sat down
with thousands of people one on one
hearing all kinds of stories.
And it's so unfortunate to hear
people get put through the wringer
and have to deal with these toxic situations.
Because what's horrible
or even more horrible about it is
that one toxic situation
that you go through can turn into
three, four, five, more, a cycle of it.
Because now there's a level of
brokenness and a need to heal
that a lot of people don't engage in
and simply jump into a new relationship
only to wreak more havoc.
So now, you not only are
the victim of it,
but you actually end up being the person
who's now hurting other individuals.
But again, today is about you
avoiding it happening to you.
So, let's start with tip number one
on how to avoid getting played.
Address all red flags.
Listen, I don't care if the flag
is blue, purple like if it looks
kind of red, any flag address it.
One of the big mistakes people make
in dating and relationships
is this fear of
speaking on the issues that they see
or this fear of digging into it.
Maybe because you're afraid of
what you're going to find out.
But one way or another,
that's the set up to getting played
that's the set up
to you ending up in disappointment
in this situation or relationship.
Because you're seeing the issue,
you're seeing this red flag
but you've got to talk about it.
You've got to see if this individual
is actually going to correct the issue
or if it's a correctable issue
or if it's simply a clear sign
you do not need to move forward
with this individual.
Now, let me make this very clear
if you haven't caught on already.
This is for men and women, all right.
This ain't just what women go through
this is for men too this is for everyone
to avoid getting played.
So, both men and women
you have to address the red flags.
Now, listen, here's a caveat to this.
It doesn't mean attack somebody
because you see a red flag.
It doesn't mean speak negatively to them
or project a negative outcome
from that conversation.
It means to have a very calm, loving,
open conversation about
any concerns that you have
any issues that you see.
And you're doing it with the goal of
gaining a better understanding
and seeing if it can be corrected
or if it's a situation that needs
to be corrected in the first place
because sometimes a red flag
is just a misunderstanding.
So, you're going in for that reason.
You're taking that action
trying to achieve those results.
And again, if at the end
all you do is gain clarity that
they're not for you so be it.
But you've got to address it.
So, do not hold back
always talk about everything
because that's how you're going to avoid
creating a bigger mess.
Tip number two to avoid getting played.
Be honest about your needs and desires.
So, again, in dating
and even in relationships
hell, even in marriage,
so many people do not
openly and fully express their needs, desires,
and hell what their standards are
in that relationship.
And so, now,
that becomes very easy
or becomes very easy to get
caught up in this ongoing
lackadaisical mediocre relationship
because you have not
made it clear what you needed.
Now, the fact that your needs
are not being fulfilled in that situation
is not an automatic sign of
they are a horrible person,
they're not for you or they're playing you.
Because some people want to love you
but don't know how to.
They don't know how you want to receive the love,
they don't know what exactly
you're looking for.
Now, you may have the mentality of
well, they're a grown adult
they should know better,
but you can't do that.
We're all raised differently,
we come from different experiences
and some people may not have
the knowledge and wisdom already
to know how to properly pour into you.
You are a very unique specific individual
they have to learn you.
Now, yes, they should be proactive in that
but you should also be proactive
in providing the information.
Because now, you're going to be able
to see a lot clearer
if they're playing games
or if they're serious.
Because I always say
one of the clearest ways
to see if someone is serious about you
is to let them know how you feel
and see how they handle that, all right.
Because someone who's not serious about you
will deflect, make excuses, dismiss you,
devalue your needs and desires.
But the person who actually cares about you
who's actually trying to have
a real relationship with you
is going to look for ways to,
to address those things.
Look for ways to correct them,
to pour into you in the way that you're asking for.
You know of course
some things might be a little foreign
to some individuals, so it may be hard
for them to grasp.
But there's still a more
active desire to want
to make you happy.
And so, it's hard to see that
when you're not letting them
know what you need.
You can't let them freestyle the relationship.
You won't expose a liar with lies.
And I say with lies
because if you're holding back
and you're not being honest
then in essence you are lying.
So, you cannot drive out their deception,
you cannot expose where they truly stand.
You have to bring truth to the situation,
you have to bring honesty and openness,
which then forces them
to have to step up to the plate
or get to hell out,
it's plain and simple.
So, do not hold back
be honest and open
about your needs, desires,
and the standards that
you want to set in a relationship.
Tip number three.
Never be afraid to ask questions.
So, this kind of goes hand in hand
with addressing the red flags
but it goes deeper than that.
Because every question
we want to ask isn't about a red flag.
It may be curiosity as to
where do we stand?
Where is this relationship going?
What are your true intentions?
A lot of people get caught up
and get played
because they don't hold that person
accountable to answering the questions
and providing clarity to let you know
where do you stand in this relationship?
What are the intentions in this relationship?
And again, any other
questions that you have.
Do you want kids one day?
Hell, I've seen people
go through dating
afraid to ask the kid question
when it's very important to them
only to end up six months later
finally it comes out and you find out
they don't want any kids.
And now you feel stuck
you don't know what to do.
Now, in that scenario,
it wasn't them playing you
but you still feel like
your time got wasted
and now you're caught up
in an unhealthy attachment
that can become much more difficult
to walk away from.
I've literally seen situations where
a woman who really,
I want to use the word desperately wanted a child
because she was over the age of 40.
Got caught up in a situation
with a man who did not
and it ended up dragging off for like
two, three years, which only
hindered her ability
to have the child she wanted.
So, it's very dangerous to
not speak on our feelings,
to not ask questions.
And again, as I mentioned
in tip number two,
you don't drive out lies with more lies.
You have to bring truth
you have to be willing
to ask and talk about
all the things that are concerning you
or are on your mind
there's nothing wrong with that.
And if you're concerned with
well, I don't want to scare them away,
I don't want to overwhelm them
it's not what you say it's how you say it.
So, it's not the question
that you're asking that's a problem
it's how you're asking it.
If you're coming to the table
in a very loving, open,
calm, positive manner,
then there's no reason that
someone who's serious about you
is going to take issue with that.
If they take issue
with you taking that proper approach
that is exposing the fact that
they are not serious or
they're not ready and mature enough
to have a healthy relationship with you
either way, they need to go.
Tip number four,
huge tip, huge tip number four
to avoid getting played.
Set a deadline.
Now, this one might be
a little unpopular for some people.
You might be raising your eyebrows
what do you mean set a deadline?
Listen, we got to stop playing games
if we're try to avoid getting played
then let's not play games ourselves.
The reality is that
too many people
go really nearly into these situations
with no deadline
or no vision of okay,
where do we now set the marker of
are we now taking a further
step in this relationship
or we decide this isn't going to work?
How we deciding that
when is enough, enough, all right.
You can't just let it drag on.
Again, I have seen people
get dragged on for
two months, not two months
two months is short.
Two years, five years, ten years,
and it was just a horrible relationship
that didn't actually go anywhere.
They just got dragged along the whole time
because again, there was never a deadline.
There was never a set standard to
listen, if we've been
in a romantic relationship for...
And this is just an example
let's say two years.
And you still don't know
if you want to marry me
or we don't know if we want to move
forward with each other
then at that point, we need to make a decision.
Now, some of you may say
well two years is too soon.
Well, listen, you can set the deadline
you're comfortable with,
but let me make something very clear.
It doesn't take that long
to figure out who you want to
share your life with, all right.
Outside of special situations where
let's say two people are very young
and they still haven't establish themselves
that might be an exception to the rule.
But if we're talking of two grown adults, all right.
Two individuals who
lived a little bit of life here
the reality is that
you don't need forever to figure this out.
In most situations
when it takes that long
it's because you haven't fallen in love with them
you're just learning to tolerate them.
You become attached to them,
you are holding on because of
the investment you made in the relationship.
And yes, this can happen
to both men and women.
But people who have experienced
a connection with each other,
they don't need two, three years to determine
this is who I want to marry.
So, again,
why do you need to have that much time
or give them that much time?
Let me give you another perspective to consider.
If you went to work at an internship
for six months, they didn't pay you
and after six months it was supposed
to be the decision now to hire you
or let you go.
They say to you
well listen, we love you as an employee
we think you're awesome.
We want you to keep working for us
but we're not prepared to hire you yet
let's keep this going
and see where this goes, all right.
The majority of you if not all of you
are not going to continue
to work at that internship.
You're going to say, oh, hell no,
I already showed you
the employee I am
you know what I bring to the table
you either want to hire me or you don't.
Guess what?
It's the same thing in relationships.
I've shown you who I am,
I've brought my best to the table,
I've been open and honest.
At this point, you either want this
or you don't.
And if you don't, cool.
We go our separate ways.
Or maybe it's a situation where
even if you want to say
you're simply not ready,
why do I or you
have to remain in the relationship
giving them the benefits of you
and the benefits of being with you
when they cannot decide
on their intentions with you?
It doesn't make any sense
and you're not incentivizing
them to make a decision,
you're actually helping them
drag things along.
So, I don't want to drag out this point
but the bottom line is
yes, set a deadline,
there's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with you saying to yourself
listen, I'm giving this relationship
X amount of years
and if we cannot decide to move forward
we move on
and we keep it simple.
And that's how we avoid getting played.
And now last but not least tip number five
on how to avoid getting played.
Well, real quick let me do
a quick plug, all right.
Get my book Love After Heartbreak.
I put a link in the description,
and a link in the comments section.
It will tell you
the steps to heal, all right.
And to really experience
peace, happiness, and joy in your life.
It's extremely important
that we go through the healing process.
And so, this book will lay it out for you.
It is for men and for women.
People are already have their lives
transformed by it.
You can see the reviews on Amazon for yourself.
This is a legitimate book
that is going to help you.
So, again, Love After Heartbreak.
Click the link in the description
or in the comments section.
Now, tip number five
is actually you need to heal.
So, I plugged the book in before
just lead into this
but healing is a huge piece of the puzzle
if you want to avoid getting played.
And the reason is because
when you have not healed
you're essentially trying
to see this world
through broken glasses, all right.
You can't see straight,
you can't see clearly
and hell, you may not even be able
to think clearly
because you're holding on to
so much hurt and trauma.
This will almost inevitably
lead you into the wrong relationships.
It will cause you to
entertain individuals
that don't belong in your life.
It will also add to you
developing more unhealthy attachment
and continuing the toxic cycle
that you've already previously experienced.
So, it is important to heal because
when you heal
you see through the BS quicker.
You're able to love yourself enough
to not entertain someone
who does not belong in your life.
You're able to conquer
the fear of being alone,
conquer the fear of...
My time, my clock is running.
Whatever fears you have, all right.
You'll be able to overcome that
because you will have a healed whole heart
that will strengthen you
to make sure you make better decisions
and you end up in the right relationship.
So, if you want to avoid getting played
you need to heal.
And again, get your copy of
Love After Heartbreak.
So, once again,
I want you to comment below,
tell me if there is any other
tip you want to add
on how to avoid getting played
or just your feedback on this video.
I hope and pray this was helpful to you.
Please like this video
because that's going to help other people
see this that need to hear this message.
Share this video, all right.
And of course, subscribe to the channel.
But again, I appreciate you for watching
and I'll see you in the next video.