*"Linkin Park - Numb" playing*
The episode commences with Targaryen Industry having a strategy meeting
Dany gets fired up at Varys for always conspiring against different kings and queens
She's like: "You're so bloody sneaky. How do I trust you?"
He says: "I'm not a bad bloke, once you get to know me"
"He is a fucking good bloke"
In the end, it's decided that Varys is an okay bloke
Wormsy senses they have a visitor
Oh it's Melisandre!
Varys fucking roast her for supporting Stann-o Baratheon
"Did we not just talk about you supporting fuckheads?"
"Touché, my Queen"
"That's a bloody solid retort"
Melisandre gives Jon Snow some free promotion
She says he's a top bloke and that he and Dany should form a new group
Tyrion says: "I know Jon-o, and he is a top bloke"
Dany tells him to fire off an email
Sansa thinks Winterfell is being hacked
Jon-o says: "Yeah nah, that's a legitimate email"
Davos supports starting a new group
Cersei sensationalises the arrival of Daenerys to a small gathering of influencers
Randyll Tarly has some concerns over the dragons
Qyburn says: "It's no worries"
He has a very cunning plan
Jaime tries to get Randyll to 100% sign a contract with the Lannisters
He offers Randyll a sweet job promotion for when this stupid war comes to an end
Over in Old Town, the Arch Maester tells Jorah he's absolutely fucked
Sam is like: "Damn bro, do you have an emergency contact I can call?"
Jorah says: "Everyone fucking hates me ay"
Qyburn unveils his latest gadget
He quotes the slingshot channel by saying: "Let me show you its features"
Cersei gives it a test and absolutely demolishes an antique fossil
Back over at another strategy meeting
Everyone bullies Dany to create chaos
She doesn't want to destroy everything and be the Queen of Ashes though
Tyrion is like: "That's my fucking saying"
"Are you gonna give me credit for that?"
"I'll bloody make a YouTube drama video on your arse, Queen"
Tyrion does all the work again, and comes up with a solid plan of attack
Grandma Tyrell then gossips about her colleagues
And tells Dany to do her own thing
Classic shifty Grandma!
Wormsy talks to Missandei about his feelings and vulnerabilities
She's like: "Sure, yeah, that's all well and good Wormsy"
"BUT"
"What are your thoughts on theeeeese?"
They rub their bumps together
And he eats out her hairy magnet
Sambo decides it's definitely time to have a peak of Jorah's scabs
Jorah is like: "Fuck yes, that feels so good!"
"Do it mate!"
Sambo picks the shit out of those scabs
Oh fuck yes! It's Hot Pie!
In classic fashion, he gives Arya a hot pie
And then he's like: "Why aren't you in Winterfell?"
"All the cool people are there"
Arya's like: "You're a fucking legend, mate!"
And heads for Winterfell
Jon-o has to tell everyone how he's gonna go start a new group with Dany and Tyrion
They reckon it's a shit idea
Sansa airs their dirty laundry in front of everyone, again
Even Lyanna Mormont gets stuck into him
You can tell he's thinking: "Fuck, she's gonna stab me like Olly did"
"Fucking hate Olly"
In the end, he loses his temper at Littlefinger
Which is not something I recommend
Arya is out in the bush when she gets approached by a big fuck-off wolf
She reckons it could be Nymeria but the wolf is like:
"Oi yeah nah nah nah, sorry, you got the wrong wolf ay"
Finally Euron Greyjoy fucks
shit
up
I mean he really kills a dickload of people
He even causes Theon to malfunction and revert back into Reek
Ellaria, Yara, and I think the only non-butchered Oberyn daughter are all captured
*"Did What I Had to Do - The Attention Seekers" playing*
You know, if last week's episode was about where you're from
I reckon this one called "Stormborn" is about who you are
To be more specific, I'd say it's about who you are within an era of escalating total war
Dany pushes Varys to stop talking in doublespeak
And explain who he is and what he stands for
Even she has to decide if she's gonna be Queen of the Ashes, or take King's Landing with minimal conflict
Melisandre is reinventing herself
And now Cersei is on the Thrones
She's has to figure out exactly what type of queen she's gonna be
We worry that the Mad King's reputation is hanging over Dany's head
But it's definitely hanging over Cersei's
Wormsy reveals more about who he is at the moment
Oh, and so does Missandei by taking off her clothes
*Background music stops* Ha ha ha ha ha
Had to do it
*Music plays again* Sam is becoming a rebel against the education system
Jorah is hoping is still gets to be himself
Instead of turning into a fucking rock
Will Theon ever escape being Reek?
And Jon-o has to wander if he's making the same mistakes
That got him stabbed and killed back at Castle Black
Or is he turning out to be too much like Ned?
Considering he doesn't come from Ned's ballsack
I'm not gonna panic about this
Yeah nah nah nah oi, it's just a coincidence
Tying this all together is Arya when she says:
"That's not you"
That's bloody layered as fuck, and applies to everyone
Me favourite scenes this week were the ones where Varys cuts the bullshit
I thought this was a fair interrogation by Daenerys
And seeing actor Conleth Hill sink his teeth into some juicy dialogue
is undeniably bonza
I genuinely loved that Sambo's adventures at university
are turning out to be the grossest scenes ever
The big fuck-off wolf gave me a stiffy
I mean, the dragons are impressive
But a big fuck-off wolf would be amazing
I also really liked seeing Euron be a savage
We know it's late in the Game to develop a new baddie
This is knowing
But having a dialogue scene last week and an action set piece this week
was smart, I reckon
The way the made the Oberyn daughters annoying and arguing before the slaughter fest
is hysterical, when you think of previous criticisms
I just liked the tone of this
After years of Disney pirate movies
It's like a swashbuckler horror film
Where Euron is a cross between Jack Sparrow and fucking Freddy Krueger
Seeing Theon revert to Reek was tragic
And this reaction cut me to the bone
Overall, I love that this episode feels like it's delivering on the old promise of the premise
This is a game of thrones
Everyone is setting up their chess pieces
And trying to hustle as time runs out
There's a massive shit fired on the horizon, boys and girls
Absolutely massive
Oi, a big cheers to the Melbourne band "The Attention Seekers"
for sending me your song to use
I've put links to their YouTube channel and Bandcamp in the video description
Top notch stuff
Cheers!
[Outro Music: "Did What I Had to Do - The Attention Seekers"]