♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE, STAY HUMAN.
THANK YOU JON, DELIGHTFUL.
COMING UP IN JUST A MINUTE, JON, YOU KNOW WHO IS THE GREATEST
MEDICAL CORRESPONDENT ON TV, DR. JON LaPOOK.
WE'VE HAD MR. LaPOOK ON MANY TIMES OVER THE COVID CRISIS AND
HE'S ON AGAIN TONIGHT.
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT T IT IS NOT JUST THAT HE IS INFORMED, IT IS
THAT HE HAS GOT A FUNNY NAME, LaPOOK.
>> Jon: ST A COME DOE SHOW.
>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM HIS
ACCOMPLISHMENTS OR INTELLIGENCE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT BUT WHEN
YOU TALK ABOUT A HEAVY SUBJECT LIKE COVID, EVERY TIME YOU SAY
DR. LaPOOK, IT SAY LITTLE FUNNY, JUST A LITTLE FUNNY, THAT
HELPS.
>> Jon: EASY ICEBREAKER.
>> Stephen: BALANCES THINGS OUT.
FOLKS >> Stephen: HERE IN THE STATES,
WE'RE DEALING WITH OUR OWN SHOCKINGLY FAST SURGE.
EXPERTS ARE NOW SAYING THAT DUE TO THE DELTA VARIANT, THE FOURTH
WAVE OF COVID-19 IN THE U.S.
COULD BE WORSE THAN THE THIRD.
ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NOT MORE I COULD TALK ABOUT IN AFGHANISTAN?
ALL RIGHT, THIS COVID NEWS COMES FROM
DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH AND
INFECTIOUS DISEASE PROP COMIC, FRANCIS COLLINS.
YESTERDAY, COLLINS BROKE DOWN JUST HOW BAD IT COULD GET:
>> I WILL BE SURPRISED IF WE DON'T CROSS 200,000 CASES A DAY
IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THAT'S HEARTBREAKING CONSIDERING
WE NEVER THOUGHT WE WOULD BE BACK IN THAT SPACE AGAIN.
>> Stephen: NO.
WE CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT SPACE AGAIN, OR ELSE I'LL HAVE TO GO
BACK TO 'THIS' SPACE AGAIN.
IF I'M GOING THERE, ALL OF YOU ARE COMING WITH ME I'LL FIT YOU
IN EVEN IF IT MEANS I HAVE TO CHOP YOU INTO CUBES AND STACK
YOU LIKE LEGO, I WILL NOT BE ALONE AGAIN.
DELTA IS TAKING A HUGE TOLL ON THE UNVACCINATED-- A GROUP THAT
INCLUDES CHILDREN AND PEOPLE ACTING LIKE CHILDREN.
AND THE REST OF US ARE STARTING TO GET PISSED OFF.
IN A NEW CBS/YOU GOV/ME TARZAN POLL, AMONG CALIFORNIANS WHO'VE
GOTTEN THEIR SHOTS, 59% SAY THE UNVACCINATED ARE PUTTING PEOPLE
LIKE ME AT RISK, WHILE 47% SAY THE UNVACCINATED MAKE ME UPSET
OR ANGRY.
UPSET OR ANGRY?
WHY CHOOSE?
THOSE ARE TWO GREAT FLAVORS THAT GO GREAT TOGETHER.
LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND WHISKEY.
IT'S BEEN A LONG PANDEMIC.
BECAUSE OF THE DELTA SURGE, STARTING TODAY, NEW YORK CITY IS
REQUIRING PROOF OF VACCINATION FOR INDOOR DINING, GYMS, AND
ENTERTAINMENT.
I'M SO HAPPY I'M VACCINATED -- FOR TWO OF THOSE THREE.
IF MY GYM ASKS, I'M SCARED OF BILL GATES.
IF YOU'RE IN THE CITY AND WANT TO ATTEND A PREMIERE CULTURAL
INSTITUTION, LIKE, LET'S SAY, THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, YOU CAN
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SIMPLY , SHOW YOUR VACCINATION
CARD.
AND THEY WILL CHECK TO MAKE SURE IT'S REAL-- IT'S GOTTA HAVE THE
C.D.C. LOGO AND BE ALL BENT UP FROM BEING TOO BIG FOR YOUR
WALLET.
AND IT'S IMPORTANT CUZ FAKE VACCINE I.D.s ARE OUT
THERE.
OVER THE WEEKEND, FEDERAL AGENTS SEIZED THOUSANDS OF FAKE COVID
VACCINATION CARDS DESTINED FOR LOCATIONS ACROSS THE U.S..
THEY BECAME SUSPICIOUS WHEN THEY NOTICED THE FORMS HAD ERRORS,
INCLUDING MISSPELLINGS, UNFINISHED WORDS AND INCORRECT
SPANISH TRANSLATIONS.
SO DO NOT TRUST ANY CARD THAT CLAIMS TO SHOW:
"PORF OF VARXINATION AGINT EL NOW, ANTI-VAXERS HAVE ALL KINDS
OF STUPID REASONS THEY OPPOSE GETTING THEIR SHOTS.
BUT MAYBE THE STUPIDEST IS THAT THEY THINK THEIR 'PURE' SEMEN
WILL SKYROCKET IN VALUE.
I GUESS THAT SPAM EMAIL WAS TELLING THE TRUTH: YOU REALLY
CN MAKE TONS OF MONEY FROM HOME.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT STUDIES HAVE DEFINITIVELY SHOWN THAT
GETTING VACCINATED DOES NOT, IN FACT, AFFECT SPERM QUALITY OR
COUNT.
BUT SOME COVID TRUTHERS HAVE CLAIMED THAT THE VACCINE CAUSES
MASS MALE INFERTILITY AND THAT ALL MALES WHO HAVE BEEN
VACCINATED ARE EFFECTIVELY STERILE.
SOUNDS FISHY, BUT I WILL POINT OUT, THEY VACCINATED PEOPLE OVER
75 FIRST, AND EVER SINCE, NONE OF THEM HAVE HAD KIDS.
WITH QUALITY SPERM SUPPOSEDLY HARD TO FIND, ANTI-VAXERS THINK
UNVACCINATED SPERM WILL BE THE NEXT BITCOIN.
SO, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, YOU CAN INVEST IN A "SPANK BANK."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CBS CHIEF MEDICAL CORRESPONDENT DR
JON LAPOOK.
(APPLAUSE)