CHRIS ROCK, HIS RAZOR WIT
HAS MADE HIM ONE OF AMERICA'S FAVORITE COMICS
AND DESPITE STARRING IN STINKER AFTER STINKER,
HE SOMEHOW ALWAYS COMES OUT
SMELLING LIKE CASH.
DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON,
WRESTLER COME ACTION STAR.
TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY POUNDS
OF PURE ASS-KICKING MUSCLE
THAT KNOWS HOW TO SAY,
BEAT DOWN IN 32 LANGUAGES.
IS THAT TRUE TALLY?
I HAVE NO IDEA JOHNNY,
BUT I DO KNOW THIS,
CHRIS ROCK HAS ENTERED THE ARENA
AND IS MAKING HIS WAY INTO THE RING.
FANTASTIC!
WAIT A MINUTE,
THIS DON'T LOOK LIKE KNOW COMIC RELIEF.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PLACE?
IT'S CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH SONNY.
I'M GONNA KICK CHRIS TUCKER'S ASS.
DEATH MATCH, HUH,
THIS PLACE DON'T LOOK SO TOUGH.
THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE I GREW UP,
NOW THAT PLACE WAS TOUGH.
I'LL TELL YOU HOW TOUGH IT WAS.
MY NEIGHBORHOOD WAS SO TOUGH
THE SCHOOL PAPER HAD AN OBITUARY COLUMN.
[GROAN]
OH YOU ALL CAN KISS MY ASS.
SORRY I'M LATE
BUT 2 O'CLOCK ASS KICKING RAN LONG.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU MEAN I GOT TO FIGHT HIM?
THIS GUY'S NO REAL WRESTLER.
NOW HULK HOGAN, THERE'S A REAL WRESTLER.
I MAY NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHO DWAYNE JOHNSON IS.
HE'S ONE OF THIS COUNTRY'S FINEST WRESTLERS,
THAT'S WHO HE IS.
BRING IT IN YOU TWO.
ALL RIGHT.
NO MORE LOUSY JOKES OUT OF YOU AND YOU...
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT,
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
LET'S GET IT ON!
THERE'S THE BELL AND WE'RE UNDERWAY.
LISTEN...
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE BIG ASS MONKEY...
WHOOAAAA!
WELL, THIS IS NO SURPRISE.
DWAYNE JOHNSON WILL HAVE
A COMMANDING ADVANTAGE IN THIS FIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT JOHNNY.
A NUDE AVRIL LAVIGNE JUST ENTERED THE RING NICK.
THAT'S GREAT JOHNNY.
WE'RE AT WAR WITH JAPAN AGAIN NICK.
THAT'S GREAT JOHNNY.
HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?
HOW WAS MY...
IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN?
YOU'RE GONNA FOLLOW EVERY PUNCH
WITH A LAME ONE-LINER?
IT'S MY OEUVRE.
WELL LET'S SEE WHAT YOU SAY
WHEN I BRING ON THE PAIN.
[STRUGGLE]
[CROWD CHEERING/ROARING]
WELL THIS IS JUST PLAIN HUMILIATING.
HAVE YOU SEEN DOGMA?
NOW THAT WAS HUMILIATING.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT DOGMA WAS.
DOGMA WAS ONE OF THE FINEST EXAMPLES
OF AMERICAN CINEMA IN THE LAST...
[CROWD CHEERING/ROARING]
HERE'S A LITTLE TRICK I PICKED UP
ON THE SET OF POOTYTANG.
WHAT?
THAT EYEBROW SUPPOSED TO SCARE ME OR SOMETHING?
[CROWD CHEERING/ROARING]
WHAT IS GOING ON
WITH EVERYBODY'S FACIAL HAIR TONIGHT?
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
WHAT'S THE MATTER...
FEELING A LITTLE BROW BEATEN?
HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE DROPPED?
BROW BEFORE THE ROCK.
[STRUGGLE]
PUNS! AREN'T! FUNNY!
WHERE THE HELL DID CHRIS ROCK
GET AN MTV MOVIE AWARD?
YOU KIDDING?
THOSE THINGS COME IN A BOX OF CEREAL.
JIMMY FALLON'S GOT TEN.
YIKES.
I KNOW, RIGHT.
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING IN THE RING WITH ME NOW?
[STRUGGLE]
I'VE BEEN IN WORSE SPOTS.
IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA IN THE LONGEST YARD FOR ONE.
LOOKS LIKE JOHNSON IS SETTING UP FOR A LEAP...
[CROWD ROAR]
WELL HOW ABOUT THIS DEATH FANS!
CHRIS ROCK IS COMPLETELY UNHURT
AND JOHNSON IS COMPLETELY MYSTIFIED.
OH, HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
CHRIS ROCK'S NEVER BEEN HURT BY A FLOP.
NOT WALKING SO TALL NOW ARE YOU?
CHRIS ROCK STILL HAS SOME FIGHT LEFT IN HIM.
HE'S REALLY PUTTING THE WOOD TO HIM.
OH, OH,
CHRIS BETTER THINK FAST,
OR IT'S LIGHTS OUT.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?
COME ON NICK
EVERYBODY KNOWS PAPER BEATS ROCK.
YEAH, IT'S THE CHRIS ROCK SHOW NOW.
NO WAIT, JOHNSON ISN'T FINISHED YET.
MIND IF I CUT IN.
SCISSORS BEATS PAPER
ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
LOOKS LIKE YOUR LUCK'S RUN OUT.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS.
I'M SO LUCKY
PENNIES THROW ME IN FOUNTAINS.
I'M SO LUCK RABBITS RUB MY FEET.
I'M SO LUCKY...
[STRUGGLE]
[CROWD CHEERING/ROARING]
LOOK AT THIS.
DWAYNE JOHNSON HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE.
HE'S SHUT CHRIS ROCK UP.
LOVE 'EM AND CLEAVE 'EM I ALWAYS SAY.
THANKS FOR THE HAND...
THIS NEXT ONE WILL COST YOU AN ARM AND A LEG.
[SQUEALING]
NOW THAT'S USING MY HEAD.
...OF STATE.
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?
NOBODY SAW THAT.
AND THE WINNER IS CHRIS ROCK.
WHAT AN AMAZING BATTLE.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED
THAT CHRIS ROCK COULD BEAT THE ROCK.