- [Voiceover] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the founder and CEO of Apple,
Apple.
- Thank you, thank you,
you're too kind.
Seriously, here's a 100 bucks for each of you
to shut up immediately.
Now then, welcome to our quarterly keynote address.
Apple has some truly innovative
and exciting products in the pipeline.
And we can't wait to share them with you.
Our first presenter is Orange.
(clapping)
- Wow, that's bright.
(laughter)
Hey, hi Mom!
(throat clearing)
- Orange, take it away please.
- Oh right.
Sleek, efficiently designed,
the next big thing from Apple will revolutionize
the way you live,
and die.
(applause)
- [Voiceover] Where other knives
are capable of chopping
through only seven pineapples,
(chopping sound)
- [Voiceover] the iKnife is capable of chopping through
infinity pineapples.
- [Voiceover] It's amazing!
- I know, right.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Let's see that again.
Yeah.
(chopping sound)
- [Voiceover] We'll take 50 of them.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why on Earth would we want
to bring a more efficient knife into our lives?
- [Voiceover] Ohhhh.
- [Voiceover] Take my money.
- Is anybody listening to me?
Guys, we do not need this product.
This is madness.
- But this isn't madness.
This
is
Apple!
- Huh?
(hit)
- Ahhhh.
(dramatic music)
- In to the pit of naysaying with you,
naysayer.
Now, who's our next presenter?
- Me.
Yay.
(clapping)
- Take it away, Marshmallow.
Tell us about Apple's next great product.
- [Voiceover] Sleek, efficiently designed,
the next big thing from Apple will revolutionize
the way you spend money.
Introducing, the Apple iMoney Vacuum.
- [Voiceover] That's incredible.
- [Voiceover] Seriously?
- You have money and you can put it anywhere.
What better place than to put it in
Apple's pocket?
- [Voiceover] Toss me one, Bro.
- [Voiceover] Oh my God!
- Hey June, babe, can we get some tigers
down in the pit of naysaying to keep them occupied?
(tiger growl)
(dramatic music)
(yelling)
(clothes ripping)
- [Voiceover] The Apple iMoney Vacuum
is powerful enough to suck up bills
and change of any denomination.
Also, puppies!
Yeah.
- [Voiceover] I love puppies.
- This,
this iMoney Vacuum will revolutionize
how I spend money.
Ah, my head feels like
it's going to explode.
(explosion)
(cheering)
- Apple, he's just taking your money, people.
Wake up!
- Another tiger, please, Jim.
(tiger growl)
(screaming)
(clothes ripping)
- Thank you, Marshmallow.
Finally, we have a presentation from Grapefruit.
- Thank you, Apple.
Sleek, efficiently designed.
The next big thing from Apple will revolutionize
the very way you think of Apple.
Introducing, the Apple
iApple.
- [Voiceover] I'll sell my soul for one of those.
- Pretty good, right?
- I should think so.
- Ahhhh.
- It's a robot.
But, you can hardly even tell.
Watch this.
(laughter)
- Which one of us is which?
- I don't know, Apple.
That's a good question.
- [Voiceover] Eh, it's a monster.
Kill it with fire.
- Alright, which one is which?
- Oh my God, kill it.
- How?
How do I know which one?
- It's him.
- Nah uh, it's him.
- What the?
Where did he even get a bazooka?
- [Voiceover] Oh man, oh man, oh man,
oh man, oh man, oh man,
oh man, oh man,
Oh Man!
- Oh my God, just do it already.
- [Voiceover] Ohhhh.
(shooting sound)
- Oww.
What the frick, dude?
- I had to pick, there was no time.
- [Voiceover] I don't even look like an apple.
- Sorry.
- [Voiceover] Do you have any idea
how bad that hurts?
And how hard it was to climb
out of the pit of naysaying?
- The robot is still at large.
Dude, kill it, kill it.
- Oh right.
Ahh.
- [Voiceover] Now, do it now.
(shooting sound)
- Wahhh.
(splat)
- [Voiceover] Are you serious?
- So I think you got it right that time.
- Me too.
I feel good about this.
- Now let's go buy an Apple iMoney Vacuum
before they're all gone.
- [Voiceover} Yeah.
- [Voiceover] Hello.
Can someone at least toss down some food
or water
or something, please?
(tiger growling)
(yelling)
- [Voiceover] Why?
(music)
- Orange, you awake?
It's ground beef day.
Let's go see if ground beef emerges
from his meet grinder and sees his shadow.
(laughter)
- [Voiceover] Knife.
(slice sound)